Surrogate, Adoption.. or what?

Question

I have been happily married for half a year, and we are not able to have children. My husband opted for adoption, and I said surrogacy. I have a problem with my uterus. I can produce eggs, but even if they are fertilized, which many of them are, we can never seem to keep a baby. With my doctor I have established what is wrong, I won't go into detail, but we are having trouble (my husband and I) deciding which way we are going to go. What do you recommend, having a surrogate mother or adopting.

Being an adoptive mother would be VERY helpful, but I feel as though I wouldn't have that connection with my child. I also would have to chose the s*x of my baby, which would be also very difficult...

What do you suggest for us? Please, I do not want any hurtful comments, this is a very difficult time for both my husband and I.

Thanks,

Emily L Troy (age 26)

Answer 1

I am very sorry for your fertility issues and having been there, I know how trying it can be.  

While I can sympathize and understand the appeal of a surrogate mother, however I think that surrogacy is one of those issues where our scientific advancement has outrun our legal system and social mores.  There are a lot of ethical matters surrounding surrogacy and I don't think there is enough information out there to determine the effects it has on the family and most importantly, the child in question.  

Please research both options carefully before making a decision.  But before you do either, please take whatever time you need to grieve for your fertility problems.  Neither adoption nor surrogacy will cure infertility.  It's important for those feelings to be resolved before a child enters the picture.  

Good luck to you.

Answer 2

Well my cousin Tammy and her husband tried for 10 years with no luck.  She looked into surrogacy but felt that with so many children out there in the world already in need of a home that she would feel much better going with adoption so she began the process.  A few months later she was through the homestudies and everything and on her way to being a mom.  She fostered kids as well and then when they found a child they just connected with they knew they had to adopt him.  He is now 7 years old and the joy in her life and she is in the process of adopting a little girl that she was fostering.  She said that they were worried because of no blood connection but once they started meeting on these kids that needed a loving family they just knew they had to try and are so happy they did.  They don't ever think of him as just their adopted son, he is their son.

Answer 3

Ok.  Your infertility sounds a bit like my story... can fertilize the egg but it wouldn't stick for more than a few weeks.  I am sorry for that. It is disappointing when you find out you cannot birth a baby.  Deal with that loss as best you can and leave it in the past.  Get yourself ready to be a mom and let that go.

I am an adoptive mother of twins and you will love your child more than life itself.  It will not matter if that baby comes through your body or from your egg or from another woman's body or another woman's egg.  I promise you that it won't matter.  

I truly believe that there is no wrong decision.  You have to make the decision that is right for you.  Because no matter how the baby gets to you - it is the little soul that you and your husband are meant to raise.  

Ask anyone you know that is an adoptive parent - even if they married someone with a child and happen to be lucky enough to be raising that child as a parent.  They will tell you - the love is the same.  

Your idea of family will change and so will your life - either decision you make.

Answer 4

Well Emily this is truly only a decision that you and your husband can make together.  You should probably look at all the forms of adoption that are available. I don’t think you would be choosing the s*x of your child if you adopted though you could probably have preferences  I don’t think that means you would get that gender. If you were matched with a birthmother well your baby would be just whatever gender the child is.  Some would say you need to grief your inability to have a natural child before adopting. If I was in the situation I personnel would just adopt what with all the kids in the world that need parent(s) and loving home.

You and husband might ask yourselves what is more important having a biological child or simply  being a parent? There is no right or wrong answer , however to some having a biological child means so much that they are willing to do anything to achieve that. Where as some people just want to be a mommy or daddy to a child regardless if the child is genetically theirs.

Whatever you deiced you all will need to do a lot of research on again all the diffrent types of adoption, surrogate laws and how they work in your state or the state of your surrogate.

Answer 5

There are pros to both options. With adoption you are helping a child already here in the world or a mother having a child she knows she is giving up. Surrogacy the baby is made from you and your husband and another woman carries it for you. I have my profile on a list to be a surrogate and as a surrogate I think its very important to the parents to be to be involved with my pregnancy so that the baby is born know the parents as family and not just me and my husband. So that is something to kee in mind if choosing a surrogate, make sure this person is willing to work with you all ways possible and be willing to work with her.

They, I believe are about the same price range. Im not exactly sure though.

Answer 6

I would at least look into adoption first. The bond that you are worried about will be there if you the parents work hard to understand and support the child. Trust me my adopted parents say that it is the most rewarding experience. They have adopted 3 kids. of all ages

Answer 7

I know this is a difficult time for you and I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I don't want to upset you, so sorry if I do.

This link is to a website written by a guy who was born by surrogate, so I thought it would be helpful for you to read it. Basically he sees himself as a commodity. His adoptive parents (as he sees them) paid his surrogate mother to have him. I hope you read this to understand what being born from a surrogate child means.

http://sonofasurrogate.tripod.com/

If you do adopt (which I personally believe is the better option), you and your husband both have to be 100% behind it. I don't think you don't have to pick the s*x of the child when adopting - it would probably be easier if you didn't. The pickier you get with s*x, race, age, etc, the more difficult it is to match you with a suitable child.

If you do adopt, please do loads of research e.g. read "the primal wound" and "20 things adoptive kids wish their parents knew" and similar books, as they will help you in bringing up the child. My adoptive parents are great, but I think if they'd been more educated in adoption and had sent me to counselling at an earlier age, I would be emotionally healthier now.

I'm sure this is a difficult decision and I hope whatever you decide works out well for you, your husband and the child/children concerned.

Answer 8

I'm adopted myself so this is a little biased but there really are thousands of kids out there without families and there's more being born every day

As far as bonding goes that connection is there; you're raising the kid, does it really get much closer than that?!

Depending on where abouts you are most adoption services will have the birth mother choose the parents, not the parents choosing the child but it's usually down to local policies

Answer 9

This is a decision you and your husband need to make on your own. Don't let anyone influence you either way.

If you have a friend willing to be your surrogate, the costs of surrogacy and adoption will be about the same. If you are going through an agency who will match you up, it will cost significantly more than adoption.

To get an infant though either method, you are looking at years. The only loophole to getting a child quicker is if you personally knew a girl willing to give you her child.

You will connect to the child no matter what. Biological or not, it is YOUR child.  It just depends what you want to do.

Answer 10

could you please explain what is wrong b/c i am going through the same problem with being able to get pregnant, but i just can not carry. The doctors are telling me nothing is wrong but in my mind 3 miscarrys in a row is not fine. Thank you I would really like someone else's input on it.

Answer 11

This is such a personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer.  Talk to your dr. about your options, the expense, the risks, etc. of surrogacy.  Not being about to have children the way you envisioned is really hard- I know.  Once you have information about all the options, you need to decide what is most important to you and your husband.  I have done multiple rounds of IVF and am currently hoping to adopt.  Both scenarios involve loss- loss of having my own children, loss of being pregnant, loss of control.  None of this is easy.  For us, it came down to this- there were no guarantees that even if we went into dept over fertility treatments that we would be successful and we didn't want to be exhausted, bitter, and tired and then have nothing left to give our children through adoption.  We made the choice to adopt.   Good luck to you and your family!

Answer 12

I am adopted, and if the child is adopted from birth as i was, there is no difficulty feeling close to the baby, i feel like my adoptive mothe is my real mother and vice versa. Although if you do decide to adopt do NOT make the common mistake of not telling the baby until they are older. My mum made sure i knew from..before i can even remember, and because of this there was no huge identity crisis or whatever and everything has remained fine.

Answer 13

Although your surrogacy will not be exactly the same as Brian's in the link posted "sonofasurrogate" it is the first thing that came to mind as I was reading your question. Although there are no right or wrong answers here and this is a personal preferance to be decided between you and your husband. I have questions for you. Have you given thought to what is to happen to the surrogate mother after she has fulfilled her duties for you? Have you thought about how your son or daughter might feel toward the surogate? Is it possible that they might want to meet the person who brought them into the world? How do you feel about them meeting the person who brought them into the world. I am not trying to be hurtful to you. I'm just wondering if you have thought this all the way through. I understand wanting to have your own children. I have 3 of my own. On the flip side of this decision are you willing to have an opened adoption so that your new son or daughter will have access to their ancestry, medical information and their first parents? This is another huge decision. What type of adoption are you willing to have opened, closed, little contact, lots of cantact, supervised visits, unsupervised visits? What ever you chose make sure you have done your research, read the books suggested and many more, and gotten on the same page with your spouse. If this is to work either way you have to both be on the same page.

My answer to your question is: what I think is irrevant. I can see justification for both sides. Adoption is always nice as long as it is done to help a child and not the perspective parents. Good Luck to you

Answer 14

does the dr say you will not have your own baby???  I think adoption would be good if you need to pick that or suffogate.

Maybe adopt a pair of siblings and have a boy and a girl.