THIS IS a POEM i wrote in remeberance of my mum, is it ok?

Question

MY MEMORY BOX

I have a box of memories

Precious warm and true

Its filled with love and kindness

Given to me from you

When an angel took you mum

As we sat by your side

I took my box of memories

And opened it up wide

This box was put together

Over many happy years

And from this box

I could hear you sing

Whilst we filled up with tears

When i need you near me

Or need to see your smile

I open up my memory box

And I'm with you for a while.

Answer 1

its perfect, your mum would have loved it....

Answer 2

Your Mum would be proud and I hope your box of memories brings you precious memories throughout the rest of your life.  Your poem was very well written and obviously reflects a lot of love and a lot of heart.

Edit:

If I could suggest just a few minor changes they would include…

Your line "Given to me from you" has six syllables and goes with a line that has only five syllables.  I would replace this line with, "Given me from you."

You line, “I could hear you sing” makes this section different by adding one line which is OK, but I would change it by just removing the word “could.”

Your line "Whilst we filled up with tears" has six syllables and goes with a line that has seven syllables.  I would replace this line with, "Whilst my eyes well up in tears."

Your line, "Or need to see your smile" has only six syllables, but goes with a line that has seven.  You also just used the word "need" in the previous line.  I would change this line to, "Or I wish to see your smile."

Your line, “And I’m with you for a while” might be better put by changing it to, “And you’re with me for a while.”

Your line, "Its filled with love and kindness" should have a apostrophe in the word It's.

Your line, “When I need you near me” should have the “I” capitalized (at least here in the States where we do things differently.)  I’m told that that is often considered presumptuous in Europe.  If that’s the case, ignore that suggestion.  In fact, you can ignore all of my suggestions because you have a poetic license to write as you wish and I admittedly have an obsession with perfection and like poems that rhyme perfectly.  

Whether you use any of my ideas or not please don’t take them as anything other than my possibly lame attempt at constructive criticism.  It is easier to find fault with another person’s work than to create the original work in the first place.  You have the real gift and I admire your talent and respect your love for you Mum.  Peace.  

This is how your poem would read with the revisions I suggest.

I have a box of memories

Precious warm and true

Its filled with love and kindness

Given me from you

When an angel took you mum

As we sat by your side

I took my box of memories

And opened it up wide

This box was put together

Over many happy years

And from this box

I hear you sing

Whilst my eyes well up in tears

When I need you near me

Or I wish to see your smile

I open up my memory box

And you’re with me for a while.

Answer 3

that was very good, i don't know how else to describe it, wonderful and touching, i write poetry as well and thought it was excellent, how old are/were you when you wrote this?

Answer 4

lovely iam sure she would be touched -take care

Answer 5

Absolutely beautiful. Your mum would have been so proud of you.  

Answer 6

that is sooo beautiful everyone is right your mum would be vey very proud of you. you must love your mum soo much. I'm very very sorry for your loss. the poem has a warm comforting feeling in it. very nice poem.

Answer 7

thats a very nice poem.your mum would be proud of you.sorry for your loss :-)

Answer 8

It's perfectly ok for reading out at the funeral.  After all, you don't want to let people think you're smarter than they are.

Its literary qualities are above a greeting-card level.

Answer 9

Yeah, it's really beautiful and touching. The rhyming and rhythm of it is also very good; however, the fourth stanza has an extra line and it throws off the pace a tiny bit. It's a very sweet sentiment, though. Remembering your mother is a really good reason to write a poem.

Answer 10

Sean this poem has obviously come from the heart. it has depth, warmth, and so much love coursing through the words you have used.

it tells of memories never being far away and that we can all access our thoughts and times spent in the presence of our loved ones whenever we need to feel their closeness.

thoughts are with you on your sad loss

Answer 11

Wow... it's wonderful... you made me cry!

... I am sorry for the serious loss that you addressed... But I am sure that your mother is there next to you, in every moment of your life..

Really touching poem...

congratulations!