Table Manners with friends/family

Question

I have a 7-year old biological son, a 5-year-old step-daughter, and two foster kids: 12-year-old girl (I'll call her Sadie) and 15 year old guy (half-siblings, same mom). Sadie has a very serious weight issue. As in: she's 5'9 yes, at 12) and 220 lbs. I think that a person of her height 'should' weigh aprox. 150. I use this term loosely because I think any woman of her height who is 130 - 170 is probably in the 'OK' range. But she's way above that. So understandably, I've put her on a VERY restrictive diet. I don't SAY that, but I make it clear to all people in my household that the only times the kitchen are open are: 6 - 6:30 a.m.; 11:30 a.m. - 12:30 p.m.; 3:30 - 4:00 p.m.; 5:00 p.m. - 6:00 p.m.; and 7:45 - 8:15 p.m. During these times, people can eat what's served to them or not eat at all. Either way, they are expected to show up a) on time and b) sit there until the time is up (half hour for snacks, hour for dinners). Then, they are free to do what they want within reason. If they don't eat anything, those items are presented at their next eating opportunity. If they don't eat it then, I put it in the compost pile or give it to the dog. I put a weekly menu of what is offered on the fridge and outside the kitchen so anyone can read it. They know what is coming. I padlock the kitchen shut and there are four exits outside of that in order to get ouside in case of a fire. So there is no health risk. The only real risk here is that you can't eat what you want, when you want. You eat what's presented or you don't eat. Simple. I also enforce exercise for three 15-minute sessions a day. On one of the three, I have fine motor-skills, and the others are gross motor skills. if they don't want to do the exercise for gross, they're expected to run or walk laps around our yard, or else if they don't want to do the fine, they are expected to do scales on the keyboard/piano.

I don't think I'm being abusive, I think I'm being quite nice about it - however, my foster-daughter thinks I'm 'depriving' her of food and 'starving' her and being abusive. Since she's experienced abuse in the past, people are looking into mne. I am WAY too old to have someone try to do this to me. I am doing my best to discipline her and her brother. So . . .how do I convince her that I'm doing this for her own good? As you can see for the diet/exercise portion, all children are required to do this and she has plenty opportunities to eat. It's not just her - it's everyone and she NEEDS the restrictive diet. she's homeschooled because the 'teasing/' about being fat has 'traumatized' her so much. I'm giving her an opportunity to get RID of that option for people and she's being ungrateful!

help!

Answer 1

Children who have been placed in foster care have serious issues, aside from eating disorders, to contend with.  Overeating has long been associated with ones trying to "comfort" oneself...also it is common among seriously depressed individuals, including children.  If you can afford to take her to a professional, trained in child psychology, especially as it relates to children who have been in abusive situations, this might be very educational for you and helpful for this child.  My heart goes out to her.  I just feel so blessed to have been raised in a non-abusive and loving environment, and we have provided the same for our three sons.  But getting back to you, it sounds like you are very disciplined and are doing what YOU think is best for these children.  Perhaps you are fulfilling some need that you have to be in charge.  I personally think you should step back from all the hard disciplining and look at the situation with more objectivity...it's not all about rules and regulations and doing what's best for their health.  It's also about the need for love and nurturing and understanding.  I will pray for you and the children in your charge.  I wish you the best in these endeavors.  You have undertaken a very challenging task.

Answer 2

I don't agree with your n**i approach to food. Being that restrictive only invites rebellion. Ease up for Pete's sake!

Answer 3

Has she gone to therapy to try to work out the underlying problem(s)?  None of your efforts will make a l**k of difference if she isn't getting her head straight.  You should also sit down with her and have a talk.  12 is old enough to take control of your own self discipline.  Point out that the household restrictions apply to everyone ONLY because you (and the family) are so concerned about her obesity, not because you want to be mean and deny her.  If she could prove to you that she can monitor her own self, you could loosen up the restrictions.  Ask her if there's some way she can suggest that might work for both of you--and let her think about it; if she can come up with some good ideas, all the better (don't suggest any to her because those are your ideas, not hers).  Ask if she would prefer to go to Weight Watchers (I think they have a young people's section) instead and learn how to measure her food intake, do the daily weigh ins in front of other kids, etc.  Also talk to her father--let him know of your concerns and see if he's willing to help out (sometimes girls are more willing to listen to their dads then to any ol' mom).  You also might want to join overeater's anonymous or some other support group like that to get ideas and to get some backup support yourself.  Cutting off food probably isn't the best way to do this because, you as already know, it seems to only engender resentment (and she'll be sneaking food and eating anyway on the sly).

Answer 4

You sound really abusive in your tone, but I'm thinking you're fed-up and venting.  You have given the children MORE than plenty opportunities to eat.  I haven't seen your menues, but if they are healthy foods and they are enough foods, there shouldbe no problem.  Your foster daughter sounds like a fat, whiney brat who is used to getting her way.  It's no wonder her own mother doesn't want to take care of her!  Eventually, the little porker will learn something.  Just be patient.

Answer 5

It sounds like you're really into being in control, but since you're the one who is legally LIABLE if anything goes wrong, that's understandable.  It looks like you're offering each child three meals and two snacks each and if they won't take them, that's their fault.  That's not abusive, that's called common sense.  You also offer them the opportunity to do what most children DON'T do today: exercise.  You are making it clear that in your household, not eating right/exercising isn't an option.  There's nothing wrong with that, that's what MORE parents should do!  Don't be scared of some 12-year-old punk who is trying to use her "I was abused" status!  Please don't, more than anything she NEEDS this.  She's a fat-*** and if she doesn't like getting picked on for it, she needs to exercise commonsense and stop eating like one!  You actually sound like a GOOD parent!  As for the people who think homeschooling is a bad thing, understand that I was home-schooled and I got on just fine.  Were there things I was 'clueless' about?  Yeah, lots.  However, I knew better than to even consider putting myself into a position where that 'knowledge' would help me anyway!  I was smart enough to know that option didn't even exist for me!  Your foster daughter hasn't hd the chance to experience this, that's all.  God bless you!

Answer 6

In their original home they had to put up with abuse and also probably had very little structure, schedule, or rules.  Sadie is rebelling against the structure and she's using her weight, an issue people use against her, against you.  I think your foster kids will benefit from the structure and predictability of your home.  It's maybe not the way I or others would choose to parent, but I am also not willing to take on the burden of foster children, especially teens, so I say MORE POWER TO YOU.  You are doing what you think is best for these kids.  That is a new experience for them.  You can't be surprised that they are fighting it.  But if you stay firm (and loving) they will get with the program and be glad for it in the end.

Answer 7

It is probably harder on her since she is being home schooled and feels like the strict routine you have imposed makes her feel like shes in juvenile detention instead of a loving home environment.

This must be a difficult time for her.  Most girls her age are into school, friends, clothing, hanging out and boys.  All those aspects of a girls life have been stripped from her, basically giving her no motivation to do anything.  Have a talk with her and ask how you can help.  Set up an appointment with her doctor for a full physical.  Ask if she would like to join a gym or have a trainer come to the house to assist her on food choices and exercise.  She will have better results if it is something she wants to do, not something you want her to do.