Talking about biological dad??

Question

Hi. I have a son from a previous relationship. The guy knew about the baby and has never bothered to lay eyes on his son or contact us in anyway. He was a dead-beat (drugs, etc) so I never went after him for child support or anything.

Well. I met a wonderful man, we got married, and he adpoted my son. We had to first terminate the rights of the bio dad by abandonment, and then my husband adpoted my son when he was 5.

Every year on the adoption date we have a party and celebrate all being together as a family. So my son knows he's adopted, but doesn't quite know what that truely means yet.

My son is almost 9 and I'm sure he's going to start asking q's. I don't want to say anything negative about his bio-dad, but I don't want to suger coat it either. What do I say?? Any websites people know of?? Thanks!

Answer 1

im honestly surprised he's almost nine and hasnt brought the subject up. my friend's little girl was only 2 the first time she asked her mom where dad was. but every case is different. anyway, this is my suggestion:

one, never ever badmouth his dad in front of him, and dont allow your new husband to either (had issues with my mom and step dad with this...) i do not believe it's okay for you to lecture your son about feeling grateful for the father he does have and his curiosity about his first dad. curiosity is completely natural, and your husband should undestand that. tell him that daddy was into drugs while you were with him, and the drugs caused him to think that he shouldnt be around when your son was born. tell him that drugs make people believe things that arent true sometimes. tell him that you love him, and you understand (if he expresses hurt over it, he probably will....) but unfortunately all he can do is pray that his daddy gets better (if you're a family that prays).

this is a tough situation, i hope this helps! although it will hurt him a lot as he gets older, it may also help him to see the damage drugs can cause.

Answer 2

What wonderful parents you both are!

I dont feel you will have any problems here.

I agree not to be negitive about the boys father.

My grandson is in a very similar relationship he's 15 and has never asked about his bio father, he is just happy the way things are.

God Bless you , you seem so nice :)

Answer 3

How do you go about getting the rights terminated? If you can e-mail me and let me know more that would be great and I would be willing to give you more info on why I ask. My e-mail is in my profile. I think you have to be truthful if he knows that he is adopted, just tell him that the man who helped make him had some issues and didn't realize what a beautiful person he had created  but another man came along and saw this wonderful boy who needed a dad and decided that he wanted this boy to be his since he was such a special kid. So when the new dad came alond he took steps to become his dad legally since it meant so much to be his dad. Make him feel like his dad(which is true) had issues but he was special enough for somebody to come along and want to be his dad. Make him understand that he wasn't the reason for donor dad not being around and he is the reason dad stayed. I don't know how else to put it but I hope that helps.

Answer 4

The earlier the better that you start explaining it to your son. I mean little by little you can talk to him and make him understand why he was adopted. That his true father loves him, but... (and so on and so forth). Time will come he will accept everything about his life. For sure he will ask you what he needs to know, but this is much better than lying to him which later will just turn his back to you and your husband right now. Show him all your love and attention and understanding. He will never leave you.

Answer 5

I know 5 kids in my family who all  had to look up their bio-dads in very similar circumstances. No matter how much you sugar coat it or be honest about it. They still want to find out for themselves.  Your son will have more respect for you if you dont say anything bad about him.  Of the 5 I know, the situation that turned out the best, was the one where the bio-dad grew up, (gave up drugs), and occasionally interacted with his son. But some denied responsibility, and some were just brief visits with no further interaction.

Answer 6

Be honest with him. My daughter is adopted and sometimes asks about her birth family. We have hidden some of the more unpleasant facts from her for the time being, but we are generally pretty honest. Try to remain as neutral as possible; don't be too negative about his biological father.

Answer 7

Something attracted you to this man in the first place so I would start with telling him these things. e.g. he was tall, or funny or had nice eyes.  There is no reason to be negative to your son.  In time as he gets older he will work it out himself.  He may have even turned his life around and be open to a relationship with his son, who knows.

Answer 8

We are planning to adopt through foster care, and will most likely be in a similar position one day.  Our plan (if our children's parents have drug/alcohol issues) is to tell our children that their parents could not parent them.  It's honest.  Your son's dad was not able to do what he needed to do to be a dad.  He is still very much a father, but he's sick, and his illness got in the way of his being a dad.  He just couldn't do it.

I've gotten slammed for what I'm about to say here before, but I'm going to put it out there anyway, because this is firmly my belief. It may seem that your son's father didn't want him.  But it is my firm belief that no one in their right mind would "not want" their own flesh and blood.  He is sick, and this sickness is making him believe [whatever he believes] that makes him THINK he "doesn't want" his son.  (Possibilities here are that he believes he's "not good enough" to be a father, that his drug use would only make him hurt your son, that his lifestyle is not suitable for fatherhood (again with the not good enough thing), etc.)  This makes it possible to rationalize a parent's abandonment (physically, emotionally, etc.) of their child.  No one would ever do this if they were really thinking clearly and/or thinking about it from the child's point of view.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope it helps.  I wish you luck!  This is a tough one!

Answer 9

I have a friend that was not adopted, but her dad left and he did drugs and things too.  Her mom is single.  She is 13 and knows what happened.  You should just explain to your son that he did drugs and didn't want a child so he left and now he has a great dad.  Don't wait longer to tell him, he should know what happened.  Good Luck!

Answer 10

Tell him the truth. He will find out someday and he will think you are a bad person for not telling them the truth. I was told my dad was a horrible person,but i loved him until i grew up and realized all he cared about was drinking, drugs, and friends.

Answer 11

be straightforward. I was adopted by my stepfather and during my adolescent years did a good bit of imagining about what my biological father must have been like, because it was taboo in my family to talk about it. My stepfather didn't want to acknowledge that I had been adopted but he also didn't treat me the same as my younger half-sister, so I got totally screwed up by all this. Anyway, explain to your son that a real father is someone who does what your husband does, not what the biological father did. Explain that you love him and as his mother, you made choices that you thought were best for him and so far, you think it is working out. And tell him not to idealize his father, because you are probably not that hard to find and if he wanted to find you all, the father would have. So your son is a lot better off the way things are. Also point out that he could easily hurt your husband's feelings by getting all worked up about his father, since your husband probably feels like his father and wants to be acknowledged as such.