Teaching a 6 year old to use self control

Question

When we're at odds about a snack, going outside, or a punishment for something she did, she KNOWS she's going to be further disciplined and she can't HELP opening her mouth and getting that last two cents out. Be it a slammed door, a fresh comment, or other tantrum.

I'm not saying she shouldn't be upset or even mad about a punishment or decision, but I need some help teaching her how to use self control. I'm out of ideas.

Answer 1

First of all don't be afraid to go to a counseling session or two.  I have a few friends that have seen a professional to help stabilize family life, be it marriage or children, and they loved it.  These were normal people with good families.  

In my opinion, you may not be providing an effective punishment.  Many people think that spanking or physical punishment is required but I am not implying that by any means.  All I am suggesting is that the their MUST be a consequence for disrespect or bad behavior and that the consequence MUST be effective.  Otherwise you are wasting your time and efforts.  

A lot ot people don't want to be "the bad guy" with their kids but if you take an educational psychology course you will study the mental and ethical development of children.  They go through stages early in their lives where they function in a world of consequences and they do or don't do things because of a fear of those consequences or the prospect of reward for good behavior.   Once they become young adults they might reach the mental understanding where they do things simply because its the "right thing to do".  But young children don't understand that type of abstract thought.  

I see many parents always trying to reason with their kids thinking that their reason will appeal to the childs better nature, but biologically that is not they way it works.  

Your child is getting those last two cents and slamming doors because she knows she can.  

Children also go through phases were their behaviour gets better and then gets worse, so don't think that its always you lack of parenting skills.  Sometimes they just act up.

I am sure it will turn out fine, because you sound like a good parent.  

Answer 2

This is what worked for me

A mom I know and admire has children who are so well disciplined that none of them have ever had a temper tantrum, not even during the toddler years. One day, when asked, she mentioned that although her parenting book was the scriptures she had found the book "to train up a child" by Michael Pearl very helpful as a young mother. I couldn't wait to order it, read it, and find out her secret!

Essentially the book told how to create tight bonds so the child doesn't want to rebel and then how to discipline with spankings.  The spankings are not the result of a frustrated, irritated parent or earned when the child has pulled the last straw.  Rather, the child gets one warning for disrespectful behavior such as slammed doors, a fresh comment, or throwing and sort of fit or tantrum.  If they persist in direct defiance, they earn a spanking.  The parent calmly explains why the behavior isn't okay, calmly spanks, and then lovingly reassures the child of their love and concern and encourages them to do better.  

I told my daughter that learning to be respectful even when we are mad is a talent I was going to help her learn.  She wants to be good, but when she gets annoyed she totally forgets and is very sassy.  I told her I was going to be very strict and use spankings, but that she would be surprised how much it helped her.  After a few days, my daughter would stopped tantrums, defiance, and disrespect within seconds with just a warning "1-2.."  Every time she stops herself, she is strengthening her self control and a habit of respect is forming.  I can see it and I am so excited for her.  She is so sweet, we are closer than ever before, and now, instead of fearing to send her to school and get reports of defiance from the teacher like I got last year, I have no fears, she is a new little girl.

Answer 3

Step up the punishment.

Disrespect must be stopped immediately. The punishments you give for the last little flip off she gives is not harsh enough. You have to make it bad enough it is no longer worth it.

YES SHE CAN HELP IT. A 6 year old understands consequence. A 6 year can stop her mouth.

Whatever your punishment is for the flippant stuff, double it. Keep doing it until she stops. Everyone has that point.

Disrespect from a 6 year old is a harbinger for huge problems when they get older. Squash it now.