Teaching your daughter about the reality of rape.......?

Question

I am considering allowing my daughter to read a novel, Lady of the Forest, in it the subject of rape is dealt with, not gory or descriptive at all.

My husband thinks she is not old enough to read that as she is only 10 and he doesn't want her to have to deal with the concept of rape at this point.

My argument is that I would like to give her a doorway to speaking to me about things like this, she often rides her bike around the apt complex with friends and the world we live in does not care about how much we don't want our daughter to deal with rape. I would prefer her to be able to come to me in a safe environment and ask about rape, that way I can take her cue and teach her in more depth. I feel reading a book is a safer environment, and I would rather not have to teach her about it because she had been raped.

Thoughts?

Answer 1

I'd have to say that she is old enough to read that book and yes it will open up an opportunity to talk to her about rape.  There are children even younger than her that face the gory reality of rape.  I am thankful that she has not.  I agree with you.  It's best she learn about it in a safe environment with someone she's comfortable talking with.

Answer 2

"................the world we live in does not care about how much we don't want our daughter to deal with rape." WOW! Isn't that the truth!

Difficult call for me. I think it all depends on the child. Too many children are not told the possibilities of what can happen to them and when they are faced with the situation they do not know how best to handle it. In that respect I agree with you.

I have not read this book but if you feel that it is talked about in a way with not too much detail, then I would say it would be OK. My daughter knew all about s*x at 8 and she certainly knows what rape is at 13. She also knows how to avoid (if possible) such horrors.

How will our daughters ever know how to protect themselves if they do not know what they are protecting themselves from?

Answer 3

Better for you two to read the book together, and have her know what rape is, than to have her be raped and for her to think it's her fault.

Answer 4

If she isn't ready to handle it, she can stop reading the book.  When I was in middle school I was reading a book that started getting sexual so I ended up handing the book to my mom and asking her to tell me when it was over.  Turned out nothing actually happened, but the point is, I knew I didn't want to read about s*x so I didn't.  If she's reading the book and it starts to go in a direction that she doesn't like, she doesn't have to read it.  If she is at a place where she can handle it, she can read it.  I'd say talk to her about the book before she reads it.  Tell her that if she gets to a part where it's starting to feel uncomfortable she doesn't have to read further and if there's anything in the book she wants to talk about, you're there to talk.

Answer 5

Yes, I agree with you. I disagree with the person who said that 10 is too young to learn about rape. I had started talking to my mom about rape well before then, and I think it has kept me safe.

I wouldn't just give her the book without any warning though, especially if she has never had any exposure to the topic. I would have at least a small talk with her first, or it might  traumatize her.

Just make sure that you are ready for lot's of talking and reassurances. Rape is a scary and confusing thing, but it is definitely better to learn as an outsider than from personal experience.

Rapists are less likely to attack a child who they know has an open relationship with their parents because they are more likely to get caught. Not only that, but if (God forbid) something ever does happen to your daughter or someone she knows, talking about rape with you early on might prevent her from blaming herself. Make it clear to her that rape is NEVER the victims fault. It doesn't matter if the victim walked stark naked down a dark alley, it isn't her fault.

Also explain to her that it can still be rape even if physical force wasn't used. Explain each situation that is considered rape. Make sure she knows that she can always talk to you about anything, no matter what.

Answer 6

My opinion would be - you first read the book, gather your own opinions on the book, and then maybe you and your daughter read the book together.  That way you can talk about everything you read, and if she has questions you can honestly answer them.  She is 10, I am sure she is a smart girl, and in today's society she is going to find out quick enough.  By reading the book together you can deal with it as a team, and ask her if she understands or if she has questions

Answer 7

I completely agree with you...She should also know what to do in case someone/child molester approaches her

Answer 8

no 10 is WAY to young

Answer 9

As a victim of rape you do not need a book to tell her the cruelty of humanity. You can broach your daughter and talk to her about unwanted s*x, unwanted touching

And certainly no book can ever prepare a person in how to deal with any life crisis, you are your own controller--I'd find it better to talk to her vs getting her a book to read and then discuss, I'd be hoping for a more open relationship with my daughter over needing outside tools.

My daughter is 6 and my son is 3 and they already know about how strangers/some family members can touch them in inappropriate places and what you need to do if that happens--you do not need a book to do that, I find taking things into my own hands is far better than some book as Books can be interpreted in so many ways.

Answer 10

I think that you should do it. I think your making a good decision at the age she is now. I read in the news paper the other day about how an 8 yr old saw a 14 yr boy molesting his 5 yr old brother. Now if an 8 yr old knows what's going on thenI think a 10 yr should know what's going on specially if it's a girl. There are a lot of sick individuals out there that do not care how old a child is and would rape them anyways. Therefore I think you should talk to her about it despite how your husband feels. Would you have wanted to know about this when you were 10? Your husband is going to see this subject in a different light because he is a dad and you know how all little girls are daddies girls so a dad is going to be over protective of any subject like this one and does not understand how necessary it is for your daughter to have knowledge about this.

Good Luck!

Answer 11

You want to educate your child about s*x but you wont even get her a cheap cell phone for her own safety? Let me tell you a story...2 girls in my area were playing outside (around age 9-11) a man in a car slowly pulls up to the side of the street and rolls down his window, they are close to home but he could still grab one kid if he wanted to, the kid whips out her cell phone and the guy sees that and drives off, saved her life. I am not saying buy your child the most expensive cell phone, but a cheap one for safety reasons so you can get a hold of her, there are less and less pay phones these days. I am just trying to educate people of the dangers in the world, and for someone who wants their child to be so educated on them you certainly are not taking all the precautions.

Answer 12

She is not too young I was exposed to alot of adultish material that dealt with subjects like this early...and it made me wiser.

Answer 13

I think 10 is too young for what you have in mind.

However, you can certainly start talking about safety, in the home, in school, on the Internet, in the car.

Talk to your daughter about making sure that when she is walking home from school that she walks with a friend, she should make sure she calls home when she arrives safely at a friends house, talk about her not hitch-hiking when she gets older (teens), tell her that going to parties when there are no parents (or irresponsible parents) there.

I wouldn't just single out the topic of "rape", because that is just one of the dangers for a young woman, but I would make sure that she understands that you care deeply for her safety and want to ensure her overall safety and well-being.

Answer 14

I was a victim of a rape by a stranger 4 years ago when I was 18.  Although it would of course be good to talk with your daughter to some extent about rape and abuse now, I think that she is too young for the book at this time.  I would wait until she is about 13 - 14 or so for something like that.  I am not an expert in psychology, but I have read a great deal and discussed the subject of rape a great deal since it happened to me.  I think 10 is a little too young for a book where rape is its main theme.  Love and romance and magic shouldn't be clouded too much by the complications of rape and abuse for as long as practical in my opinion.  However, I think that warning her about strangers and talking about good touch/bad touch, etc. is appropriate at her age.

People seem to be missing the question you asked, which is whether the book is appropriate or not.  I don't think it is unless possibly it is a book specifically designed for her age group.  If it is not, then it might be kind of traumatic for her to read.  That is not to say that you shouldn't discuss rape and abuse and the dangers posed by strangers or by people that want to touch her inappropriately.  You definitely should.  But, the book might not be a good way to start the discussion at her age.

Answer 15

I know what I knew at 10 and it was certainly enough to understand rape.  I think it's appropriate and necessary in this day and age.

Answer 16

That sounds like a great idea! I wish I would have talked to my daughter more about that. Poor thing had to learn the hard way at 15 that rape is much worse then parents tell you it is. She is still traumatized (Don't think she will ever not be) and she won't go anywhere public with out an adult around her.

Answer 17

I think 10 years old is way too young for this type of conversation.  Try 14 years old.  I mean do you live in a rough neighbourhood or something?  Is rape and crime high in your area?  I think the moment you let her read a book like that or talk to her about it, she is going to associate her thoughts about rape with s*x and you are probably going to give her a serious complex.  She needs to learn and understand her own feelings about s*x first (ie...go through puberty) before you teach her about rape!  I don't think any child needs to be told about rape or taught about it.  I boys should be told that no means no and mini-skirts do not equal yes.  And I think that girls should be taught to respect themselves and to be careful of men and to not get themselves in vulnerable situations....ie. drunk and friendless.

  Also when she starts going to parties and out and about, buy her a pack of drink testers.  Little paper tabs that she can dip in her drink, it changes colour if the drink has been spiked.

Let her have her childhood...dont steal that from her.

Answer 18

The people telling you 10 is too young are dead wrong and completly niave and oblivious to what happens when their child is not with them.  Kids are having s*x knowingly now as young as 5 and 6.  Im not overly worried about rape from creepy adults, as my neighborhood is relatively safe.  But what about from other kids?  Thats a real situation you have to think about.  I feel reading a novel is an excellent way to introduce the subject.  I wouldnt lead it into her blindly.  Let her know that it is about some difficult issues that you want her to know about and be sure to answer fully all the questions she may have.

Good job for you thinking about things like this.  A lot of people as you have seen in these replies dont think its necessary to teach things like this until they are way older.  Well, when these people were kids, that may have been appropriate, but today, its not appropriate to wait that long as others are suggesting.

Answer 19

Yeah, you need to tell her. Right now she's at the age where she's most vulnerable, and as she is showing some independence she needs to know the dangers that follow it. I'm not saying you need to tell her to terrify her, she just needs to know the potential of some of the strangers she might ride her bike by.

Answer 20

Is it a novel for preteens?  THere are a lot of novels that touch on subjects like this for preteens - first a book that talks about periods and such.  Judy Blume is a great writer for p*****n girl's novels, you can look at BooksAMillion or BarnesandNoble or any library.  I dont think a book for adults would be a good idea though.  Sit down and talk to her before and after any book like that too... if youre uncomfortable bringing up the subject she will be too.