Teenage son - drama, selfishness, no respect for mom.

Question

Me and my son have always been close and had open dialogue but lately he's changed and seems to be very disrespectful, emotional and selfish. I've raised him single handedly (his dad died when he was a baby). I work hard to provide a good stable life for both of us. Problem is all summer he did nothing but sleep and play video games and dowload p**n. He lost his computer priveledges as this was the 3rd time I caught him downloading p**n after asking him not to and he telling me he wouldn't do it again. He's been sarcastic towards me, won't help out around the house (taking the trash out is a major ordeal like I'm asking him to part the red sea). I've been a great mother and have trusted him but now he's just being disrespectful and mean. I asked him to get a job this summer and he did nothing but pick up a couple of applications, never filled them out. The other evening we went to dinner then to the mall. The mall closed and he was no where to be found. I sat in my car in the parking lot for one hour waiting on him and he never showed up. He then blames me that I didn't come look for him that he was waiting in front of a video game store. I told him to meet me at Sears (where he always meets me when we split up). I was so angry. I spent two hours waiting on him both in the mall and in my car. He blamed me for not coming to look for him and said I left him at the mall. I started driving home looking for him. Of course he left his cell phone at home so he had no phone on him. He uses it to talk to people in the middle of the night but can't carry it with him (which is the reason I bought it - so I could reach him in instances like this). He threatened to leave home after this, I told him if he ever left I'd change the locks and he couldn't come and go as he pleased. I've grounded him. He's telling me I'm a bad mother. I planned a vacation next weekend for us and he doesn't appreciate that or the fact I just spent $5K on braces to get his teeth fixed, etc. He's become an ungrateful brat with no respect or appreciation for anything. Why? Is it a typical teenage stage?

Answer 1

Assuming your son is in his teenager years, some of this is just simple growing up. The majority of your story seems to rest on two elements.

1. Your entire story seems to suggest that "it's all about you". What you've done for him, what you spend on vacation, what you do for dinner and your trips to the mall. Your story is absent of what things he does for himself or what he does for you. Facing just your words, you're the best mom while he's the son from h**l.

2. I share the core element in your story. I too grew up in a single parent house absent a father from the age of 4. Regardless of the reason, boys become men and the process is not only extremely delicate with out the father, but with each passing year towards adulthood and within the teenage time frame, the enemy is not your son, but the influences surrounding him. Everything from his peer group many of which most likely have father figures to what I call 3rd party contributions - ie: video, music, p**n, etc.

It is my humble thought that p**n itself is not the problem, but more so a symtom of something larger.  His negative attitude as you describe is not the probem, but again symtomatic of something else. Treat the negatives on face value and realize they are only symtoms from what appears to be an unknown set of causes. Go after the causes, sit down and with heartfelt concerns, dialogue with your son in Q & A's. You'll be surprised what you may discover if and when he starts to open up which will start addressing the causes of his behavior and attitudes vs. reacting to the symtoms in form of punishment.

Answer 2

I would say you've done too much for him. How old is he now? If he's 16 or older, next summer he works, and if he doesn't feel like working, he can go live someplace else.

You've got to go the tough love route with him for a while, I think. Until he gets it.  

Answer 3

uh

this is normal mayhaps?

And, BTW, NOBODY is gonna appreciate braces.. seriously you're delirious if you think he likes braces.

I'm 14, and i really don't like parents who are like you. it seems like you're telling the boy that you HATE him and he isn't WORTH anything.  

Answer 4

This happens with all 'SINGLE CHILD FAMILY'. Especially the children without father becomes problematic to his mother or to their fathers when they do not have mothers. Because almost all mothers will show extraordinary and unwanted infatuation to them. Till they marry, produce a child, start their own family, they will not understand the meaning of relationship and the reality of life.Just keep cool. Time is the solution. When time comes, everything changes.Otherwise, nothing is in your hands including unseen Gods.  

Answer 5

It's definitely a typical stage. Teenagers like to rebel, and it's part of becoming independent. Try having a sit-down talk with him where you can both express your feelings without getting mad at each other. Explain that it's hard taking care of the two of you on your salary, and that him getting a job would help out a lot (he can easily work part-time during the school year, so it's not too late). Provide reasons for your actions without blaming him (i.e. he shouldn't download p**n because of the number of viruses, you'd like him to carry his cell so you can contact him), and ask him what he's not happy about. If he criticizes you for something, ask him what would be a better solution. If you show you're willing to work things out, he might be more willing to try. Threatening to change the locks does nothing except deepen the rift between you. Work on making things better, not worse.

Answer 6

I rember it, giving him the you leave dont come back thing makes it worse. you are not a bad mom but that translates into " if you dare leave i will forget i have a son" you can still be close, he does need a job, im 15 and ive already had a couple works wonders, and if you fight alot pay attention to what he has to say, many-a-times you will pick the fight, as sarcastic as he is ask him what pisses him off the most when you guys fight, try to not bring it up on purpose in a fight like if you call him ungratefull and you know he hates it dont do it. that will send him over the edge. Take the cell phone away easy as that take every single thing away from him make him get a job and buy it back.

if you need the cell phone to keep track of him get him a track phone so you can buy minutes and put them  on it so he only has a couple to call you and thats it. make sure you can track the phone too so that amazingly he can go where he pleases and if he geos somewhere hes not suposed to go get him. ground him put bars over his window if you have to

eventually you are both going to ruin your relationship if you dont find help

so

- he needs somehting to use up his time

- he needs to EARN his stuff back

- he needs to have something that hes good at to do to feel good about himself

- you need to watch what you say to him when you fight, he is only 15 still a kid

- if things dont get better get a counsler they are magic workers

i hope i can help with the kid prospective

Answer 7

have you ruled out dependency problems such as drugs???  

Answer 8

Hey

My mum is a single mum and my older bro who is 15 has been like that for the past year...dump him at his grandparents,friends house and take one of your friends on holiday :)

Maybe He's upset about not having a fatherly figure around him to look up to.

Try speaking to him about his dad.

x*x