Teens and older, What do you think?

Question

I had to write a short story for school, and I wanted to know what you thought of the introduction. BTW, it's supposed to be a teen-ish story, not necessarily the school yr mentioned.

Well.... here it is:

The cafeteria buzzed with excitement and an occasional soda can found its way through the air and across to the other side of the room. It was the last day of school before Christmas break and, obviously, everyone was getting revved up. I looked around at my tight circle of friends and wondered how I ever would have gotten myself through this without them, and then I looked at Elizabeth, the brunette and hazel eyed girl I was proud to call my best friend. “Just ask her out!” Caitlin hissed. “Sure…” I answered but laughed it off. Don’t get me wrong, Elizabeth was great; she was President of the sophomore class and the most popular girl in the school, but we’re friends and I would never look at her romantically.

People were always bugging us about getting together, but we always knew it just wouldn’t work. She was the top of the social food chain, and I was the little minnow she would’ve devoured; instead, though, she took me in her circle and brought me up to the top. Now hear I am, sitting at the popular table in the middle of this chaos.

Answer 1

Try a little bit more vocabulary and I'm not really sure "revved" is a word.

But good nontheless.

Answer 2

It's a good start. My comments:

- What is "this" that you are wondering how you got through? School? The semester? Finals?  

- That sentence has two distinct thoughts. End it after "them."

- Start the sentence, "I looked over at Elizabeth..."

- Drop the "brunette", just hazel-eyed is good enough. Otherwise it sounds like her eyes are two colors.

- Move the paragraph that starts with "People" after "...call my best friend."  Instead of "we always knew" change it to "I wasn't sure it would work."

- Split up the next sentence.  End if after "devoured.  Say "Luckily, though, she took me INTO her circle."

- "HERE" I am (hear is for listening)

Answer 3

What story?