Tell Mom I Want to Put My Baby Up for Adoption?

Question

Now please, before you criticize me, I am a good person. I truely am. However, my boyfriend and I had been having s*x, and I was on Birth Control, but I got pregnant. I know I should accept the consequences, but I am able to see that this baby could have such a better life and that I am not ready for a child. I want to put my baby up for adoption, but everytime I bring it up to my Mom, (I'm 20) she says that she'll raise it. I can't have her do that though. It would just bring me so much hurt everytime I saw my baby. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't be able to do that, because it would just be a daily reminder of how bad of a person I am. How do I get the point across to my Mom though. Her and I are very close, but she's very hurt by me wanting to put the baby up for adoption. Probably because she was adopted. But I just can't do that. I'm so overwhelmed, I just need some nice advice and please, don't be mean. I already feel horrible enough...

Answer 1

Please don't give your baby to anyone.  He/she needs you.  He/she will lose identity, heritage and an entire family.  A substitute family might be very nice, but it's just not the same

I'm sure you are a good person - no birth control is 100% and nobody can judge you for what happened

Answer 2

I know you think right now you will not want to see your baby, but trust me, once the baby is born, you will change your mind. My son's natural mother had planned on not even looking at our son when he was born, that quickly changed after she gave birth. Now we have an open adoption where she sees him every couple of months. If you only want to give up the baby for adoption because your afraid of seeing him all the time, I would say this is definitely not a good reason. I would suggest waiting until he is born to determine if you want to put him up for adoption. I suspect that once you give birth, you will want to parent, or allow your mom to raise him, by then I think you will be ecstatic that you get to see him all the time.

Answer 3

First of all, you are not a bad person. I was in this situation, at 17, and it was very stressfull. Just explain to your mom that you love her alot, but it would put you through to much pain to see the baby everyday of your life. She should understand, she's your mom. Maybe the two of you could interview possible garduians for the baby together. Get the adoption stuff done before the baby is born, so you don't get too attatched(everyone always says, oh I won't get attatched I can't wait to say good-bye to this  baby, but once the baby is born you feel sad that you must give it up). Have your boyfriend support you about this too.

I know this is stressfull, but your mom should understand. If she gives you any more guilt trips, just say "You know what, this is my descision and I'm sticking with it.

Good luck and god bless!

~Gabbie

Answer 4

Waitwaitwait. You had s*x and not willing to accept the consequences? people like you shouldn't even be able to have children. Your the one that had the s*x and now you want to get rid of the child. How is that right? its not.

You had s*x not using a condom the best way to stop a child but then you got pregnant and are just going to leave it in an adoption home. thats just not right. I know people that would kill just to have a baby that came out of there womb.

Answer 5

I do not think you are doing anything wrong Actually you are being Very mature in this. I applaud you for making such a good choice

Your Mom actually had No say in this you do know that right?

As long as You and The baby's dad signs papers that is all that is required

I got pregnant at 16.

I knew right then I could not handle a child. My parents tried to get me to have an abortion but I kept dragging my feet so it would be too late.

It worked and I placed my child for adoption. I made sure to sign papers stating she could have All non identifying info (as an adoptee I know the feeling of never being able to tell a doctor your family health history or in school never knowing your nationality back when I was adopted these things were forbidden now you can ask that they be passed on Please do that for your child)

and when she turned 18 could have all info including names pictures etc.

I also wrote a letter and sent a teddy bear and left her know Why I made the choice I done. (Her Mom gave that to her when she was 9 and she has thanked me for that more than once.)

We have since met through a reunion site online and have a wonderful understanding. She was raised really well and is a fabulous strong young lady with a great husband and kids of her own.

The letter I sent was one of honesty in that I told her while I loved her I could not offer her everything I wanted for her and that this way I knew she would have that. etc etc

Do NOT let anyone make you feel bad about this choice.

Speak to Social Services or a private adoption lawyer.

Some private ones will allow you to see a family file and pick who you want to adopt your child I did not have that choice but seems Social Services done a good job

By the way I am also adopted. My Birthmom placed me up for adoption at 6 months and I had a wonderful loving family also.

Just let your Mom know this is YOUR choice and one that you think is the best choice and You really hope that she can support you with it. if you show her your are dealing with this maturely and responsibly I am sure she will come around.

Good Luck

Answer 6

My husbands mom was raised by her grandma because her mom couldnt take care of her either. They are both great ladies but the fact of the matter is they cut the bio mom completely out of the picture on both sides. I think adoption is really a great idea because there are lots of families who would love to adopt a baby..but is this your moms first grandbaby? because i could kinda see her point on where and why she thinks you should keep it or let her have it. Either way it doesnt matter who has your baby your goign to go through a low point nad want to see that baby...if i was to ever do that i'd give my baby to my mom because i know i could see it if i wanted too and if i ever got my stuff together i could have the baby back. You really need to think about the big picture. Goodluck and congratulations! Also i had a baby at 16 so in this life theres nothing you can't handle as long as you think on your feet.

Answer 7

hey, i admire the fact that adoption is an option for you.  most girls would have taken a different route and i'm proud of you.  i can understand why you wouldn't want your mother to adopt your baby, makes since that it would be too hard, and weird for that matter.  i'm sure you've explained this all to her, but it's your baby and i think you are doing the right thing.  sorry i can't be of more help, but i just wanted you to know that my prayers are with you.

Answer 8

I won't add too much - many have covered points I would have said.

Please know that you are not a bad person.

Your mum has lived through being adopted - she just doesn't want to see her grandchild live that same way.

No one can know what that feels like - except for another that has lived through it.

Sure adoption does work for some kids - but I know so many that are in a great deal of pain for being separated from their biological family. Really - quite damaged.

Adoption is often a long term solution to a short term problem.

You won't be this young forever. Younger mother's have coped - and you could. But you have to want to try.

If you really can't - make sure you pass on plenty of medical and family history - and try to have an open adoption if you can - it's what is best for the child. I was not allowed to know my bio family for 35 years. That hurts a great deal.

Take a deep breathe. Don't rush into anything.

Look at all options. Don't let anyone talk you into anything.

Make lists of the pros and cons. Talk to many.

Check out the links others have given you for blogs to read - you'll learn a heap there.

I wish you all the best.

And remember to breathe!!

Answer 9

havethe baby and then see if you rly wanthim or not

ur nota bad person but howdare you think of giving up ur baby

Answer 10

If you are 20 years old, the decision should be yours, not your mom's.  Find a crisis pregnancy center near you and pursue adoption resources in your community/region.  I have included a link below to try and help you with your search.

Further, I commend you for actually being far-sighted and unselfish enough to see what probably is the very best choice for your baby.  Your mom may mean well, but this is your problem and you must determine what is the best way to solve it; she may be angry and hurt with you for going against her wishes, but surely she can see your point that having the baby around you would be a constant source of pain, and that this way you can give your baby a loving home, not burden your mom, and give yourself some time to grow up before you become a parent.

Hopefully you have also learned from your mistake that there is no such thing as foolproof birth control, and you will either practice abstinence from now on or get married!

I wish you the best, and again I admire you for a courageous and compassionate choice!

Answer 11

I have friends that have been trying to have babies for years. They are the most loving couple and could give it everything. They've been to fertility clinics...everything you could think of. If you don't think you can give this child everything...there is someone out there who can.

Answer 12

firstly - analyze why you think the baby would have a better life; I respect your choice, there are plenty of people willing to adopt.

Answer 13

I think both you and your mother are doing a wonderful thing. I think your mother wants to raise your baby so you can be close to the baby. you will see the baby everyday and will still be in your life. I understand you just cannot have her do that but maybe you should sit down with and get deeper into the conversation. I know i was planning to get pregnant when i turn 20 but then i wanted to change it to later in the future because i know my parents wouldnt like it at all, but for your to have such a wonderful mother, i would love it. You are not a bad person. I mean in the near future, maybe your baby would want to go out and look for you, it might just hurt even more but i would allow my mother to help me just because not alot of mother are that way. Hopefully this helps. And Im proud of your decisions.

Answer 14

This must be tough for you because you are so close to your mom. I don't know how far along you are but do keep your mind open to raising the baby, or your mom. You don't have to decide right now. If in the end you are still determined to adopt then you need to be honest with your mom.

P.S. Whatever you decide.....you are not a bad person.

Answer 15

You are thinking of yourself instead of your baby. Unless your mother is a real jerk, you should give her the option of raising the baby if you don't want to.  Relative adoption is almost always a better option than stranger adoption for your child.  While your child may find it strange later on to find out that you are his/her mother, virtually all do fine with it.

My parents bullied me into giving up my son.  If you think your child will be better off, let me tell you that my kid was raised in a home with 2 drunks that were mysteriously absent during the home study.   He would have been MUCH better off raised by me and my grandmother would have been happy to offer us a home.

Answer 16

As a reunited birth mother, I can tell you what it's like to give up your child at birth. It's a hurt that will never leave you, it's a decision that you don't want to make. Listen to your mom, she knows what it feels like to be adopted, the hurt she felt at knowing her mom didn't want her, the feelings of abandonment. Think long and hard before you make this life changing decision, because it will affect you for the rest of your life and the life of your child. You are not a terrible person for wanting a better life for your child, but I wish my mom would of said to me, I'll take her and when you are ready, I'll help you. I cried every birthday and for everything I missed. We are now reunited and have a friendship. Talk to your mom and see what you can work out, it will be harder than you know to not no where she is, or if she is hurt, I'm sorry to ramble on, I just want you to think long and hard.

Answer 17

First of all you are NOT a bad person. You have an unplanned pregnancy like millions of other women around the world. Now you are deciding what is best for you and your baby. If you feel that adoption is best for both you and your child, then that is what you need to do.

Sit your mom down and tell her why you think adoption is right for you and your baby and while you appreciate her offer to raise the baby, you think it is best for it to be adopted outside of the family.

She may not agree with you, but hopfully in time she will come to respect your decision.

You are very brave to be considering adoption since it is in the best interest of the baby.  

Good Luck

Answer 18

I think you are wonderful for considering adoption for your baby. You are unselfish and are thinking about what is best for your BABY and not what is best for you!

This is not up to your mom. It is your decision and it sounds like the right decision for you.

Explain to your mom that you want your baby to have a mom and a dad who is ready to take care of a baby. Be understanding of your moms concerns but stay strong because you are doing the right thing.

You are a wonderful person in my eyes!

Answer 19

Basically tell her how you feel and tell her how this will benifit the baby and your self and hope she under stands but dont be mad when you  bring up the subject and just talk to  her and hope she will understand

   Make sure when you tell her you are com down your self and that you are ready to talk abou the subject adn what it means adn howmyou feel about it

Answer 20

i was in a similar situation 16 years ago. except my parents wanted me to place my son.

i was a college student, with limited resources and dated a guy who turned out to be a real t**d.  about a year into the relationship i became pregnant.

my parents were LIVID! all they kept reminding me of is that my life would be a mess, i'd be on welfare like so many other girls and that adoption was the only way to go.

i made an adoption plan in my second trimester.  since this is a few years before open adoption became popular in ohio, i was told only that there was an affluent, african-american couple who couldn't have a baby. he was a surgeon and she owned a collection of exclusive boutiques.  but i never met them.  so quite honestly, their only qualities (IMO) were that they were well-to-do.

throughout the pregnancy, i thought i was solid on my decision to place my son.  i was constantly reminded that it was the "best, and most loving thing" to do. also, like cowboy-fan's son's bmom, i didn't want to hold or see him after birth. i was also encouraged not to by the agency. but something felt wrong about that.

about two weeks before i delivered, i decided not to place him.  i remember BEGGING my parents to help me, promising them that i would work 2- jobs, get good grades in college and do whatever i had to not to give up my baby.

they finally agreed to help me.  and 16 years later, i'm married to a wonderful man, have another child (and i'm pregnant with my 3rd) i hold 2 bachelors degrees, a master's degree in public health and a will have earned a doctorate by the end of next year. so much for the "all young, unmarried single moms end up on welfare and poor, heh??"

now, was it a cakewalk, no. but i say all that to give you my experience with "being scared, young and pregnant."  sure, there was a time when i had to get on welfare to ensure that he had health insurance, shop at thrift stores and use hand-me-downs from my family and friends.  but those experiences humbled me; and when i look at my flippant, self-absorbed, narcissistic 16 year old son, bopping with his i-pod nano, i realized that not making that plan was the smartest decision i made. and that my love for him ranked higher than any banter about "a good loving 2-family home."

although this is my life, i offer this scenario as a contrary perspective of the " being young, married and having non-socially sanctioned s*x" means you have to give up your child.  

and i do agree, the choice is yours. all i suggest is to learn as much as you can about all sides of the adoption story (the good, bad and ugly), including experiences from aparents, adoptees, and b/f/nmoms.

good luck...

ps. some stats about s*x:

the average age of first s*x is 14.9 yo

the average number of pregnancies that are unintended >65%.

the average age of first marriage= 27 yo

in other words, welcome to the world of the rest of us... you are in no way bad or worthy of criticism for doing what MOST OF US ON THIS BOARD have done...

peace

EDIT: as to not be accused of "calling someone out" i will just make a general statement: offering to take a baby from a scared, young, unmarried pregnant girl is NOT helping a girl get out of a bad situation. i chose not to default to the popular myth that being unmarried and pregnant is a crisis; and a cure for some unrelated person's infertility.

Answer 21

Firstly you’re not a bad person.

Tell your mother while her offer is kind, you have decided to place the baby for adoption.  That you just would not feel comfortable if she adopted the baby or raised the baby. In the end its your decision not your mothers. She may not be happy but hopefully in the end she will respect your decision  and support you.  You cant sign your rights away in till after the baby is born, you might feel differently once the baby is born and want to keep or decide to let your mother raise it.  Even if you do decide with adoption in the end don’t feel bad for doing what you feel is right for the baby.

Answer 22

This is your choice and your choice alone. I would suggest that you go to counseling and talk to a close friend. There are many feelings here on adoption and I don't think you will get the answer you are looking for.

Answer 23

You and your Mom need to talk with a family therapist.  You need support to make the best decision for the child and your Mom needs help to accept your decision.  Are you sure you and your Mom cant care for the baby  together?  It would seem to me that at age 20 with a supportive mother you could keep your baby.

Answer 24

I'll be honest with you just because your husband is in jail does not mean that you can just put HIS child up for adoption so you can run off off your bf Ryan and not look back because that's what your previous posts sound like you are doing. You are 20 years old and I fail to see why you are unable to care for this child? I had my daughter at 17 and I did just fine. But in all honestly if this is the kind of mother you are going to make then maybe your child is better off with someone who is not going to ditch them to run off with another man while her husband sits in jail.

You're not a bad person for getting pregnant but you pushing the envelope by the circumstances in which you are considering placing this child up for adoption.

Answer 25

I may be new to this site but I am not new to the pain of giving away a child. I agree with possum, you need to think long and hard. It is a pain you will feel forever. Even after reuniting. I still have pain over what I missed and I have had a wonderful relationship with my daughter for 8 years. How old is your mother and what were her plans for her life before making this generous offer? It will be hard to see that face everyday being raised by some one else but it will be much harder not being able to see that face at all.

Answer 26

I am so sorry you're going through this. ((((((Hugs))))))

I've got limited time to reply here, so my apologies for not giving you as full an answer as you deserve. But here's the short version...

If your mother is supportive of you having and keeping your child, that's absolutely what you should do. Rather than give the baby up for adoption, and rather than have your mother adopt, I would strongly suggest you sit down with your mom and talk to her, honestly, openly, and with heart-felt emotion, about all your fears, concerns, and emotions about your pregnancy, about adoption, and about parenting. Let your mom talk, too--ask her what it was like for her growing up as an adoptee. Stay open to parenting--ask your mom if she'll help. Find out to what extent she will help--get details.

Adoption is not as simple as it sounds. I don't mean that in a mean or condescending way at all... I'm just saying... I was in your shoes once (unplanned pregnancy, considering adoption), and life after relinquishing my parental rights is SO much more complicated than I had ever imagined. It is hard. Really, really hard. I don't mean to scare you, but honestly... it is a life-changing, shattering kind of hard. It's taken me six years to get to where I am now, which is: okay. Okay despite adoption. DESPITE... not "because of." But I still think about my daughter every single day, still miss her every day, still cry for her, still feel the ache in my body for her, and still feel her absence.

I truly believe parenting--despite the challenges--would have been much better for both me and my daughter... and also for my husband, my subsequent daughter (the one I am raising), my parents, my sister, and my grandparents.

Your life, now that you are pregnant, is going to change no matter what you decide. From afar, it can be hard to see that... from afar, adoption looks like it allows you to continue your life and your plans as if you had never given birth, never become a mother. But you ARE a mother now, regardless of whether you parent or relinquish for adoption. And that simple fact--the fact that you're a mom--will change your life. No matter what.

With parenting, the changes are more obvious--you have a child to take care of. You'll have to adjust your lifestyle. You'll have to wake up in the middle of the night for feedings. And on and on.

With adoption...? The changes are still there. No, you won't have to get up for 2 AM feedings... but you'll for a good long time, you'll be up at 2 AM anyway, crying. No, you won't have to juggle parenting with school and/or work... but you're going to have to force yourself to go to school/work many days... because of the ache inside that will make you want to hide under the covers.

Again, honestly, I am NOT trying to scare you. It's just... I wish someone had told me the realities of giving up a child for adoption. It is HARD. And actually relinquishing the child, as difficult as that is, in many ways is the easy part... the tough part is living a lifetime without your child.

This is not just my story, either. So so so so many moms who've relinquished children tell the same story... a story of hurt and heartache and a dawning realization that they used a permanent solution (adoption) for a temporary problem (youth, finances, being single...).

Please don't become one of us. It is just not worth it. Your life is going to change, once you give birth, no matter what path you choose. Both paths--adoption and parenting--bring with them challenges. But one path--parenting--also brings with it great, indescribable, wonderful joy. Those 2 AM feedings? Those are some of my greatest memories I have with my (parented) daughter. Limited finances? My (parented) daughter couldn't care less that her home is small and we parallel park on a street rather than in a driveway, or that her shoes are from Target rather than Nikes, or that the dress she wore to daycare today is a handmedown... she's just thrilled I came home with a $3.00 Shrek puzzle for her tonight--and the smile on her face when I showed it her was PRICELESS.

I've done both. I've relinquished, and I've parented. Two kids, two different types of mothering. Both paths have brought hardships. But only one path has ALSO brought me deep, incredible, soul-touching, life-changing joy. Choose the path that brings joy with it. Please.

Good luck.

Answer 27

ultimately it's your decision, not your moms.. but I would think that letting your mom adopt the baby would be great!  my great-grandparents adopted my mom when she was little, and my mom was very happy with it.. she was able to still have a relationship with her birth mom, and was still in the family.. it worked out great for everyone..

dont you think you would like to see your child growing up?  many people who give their babies up for adoption are left wondering "what-if" all the time.. you wouldn't have to carry that kind of guilt.. and your child would still be able to know you..

but like I said, ultimately it's your decision.

Answer 28

u are 20 yrs old. its your choice and i think u know its the right one for u and the baby. your mom was adopted and thats probably why she feels so strongly against it. u know whats right. god bless and good luck

Answer 29

As an adoptee, it would KILL me if my child wanted to give my grandchild to strangers.

As an adoptee you mom KNOWS how difficult and painful it is to be abandoned by one's famiy and raised by others who most likely have nothing in common with you.  Your child represents a chance for her to know a second generation of her heritage.

You were lucky you got to be raised by your mom. I am so sorry you want to deprive your baby of that. I don't think you are a bad person. Maybe just immature. If you don't want to parent, I hope you are still early enough you might consider terminating your pregnancy.  You imagine you'll hurt seeing your baby, until you give birth you won't be able to imagine the hurt you will feel NOT seeing your baby.

Answer 30

You say your mom is adopted and doesn't want you to give your baby up.  Have you asked her why?  She probably has some very valid reasons for not wanted to see her grandbaby put through the experience of being adopted.  Ask her to explain her feelings about being adopted, and you may think twice about doing that to your own baby.

I'm sorry to say this, but it's  selfish for you to put your child through adoption just because you can't face what you've done, because it will "bring you so much hurt".  What about the baby's hurt from being given away by it's own mother?  I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but as an adoptee I know that feeling all too well.

You also need to think about how you will feel about yourself later after you've given your baby away to strangers...talk to other birth moms about how they felt later after placing their babies with strangers.  

You are very fortunate to have a mother who is willing to help you, and the upside is that you will be able to see your baby grow up.  I'm sure that in time you will be able to forgive yourself for an accidental pregnancy and be so happy that you can still have contact with your very own baby.

Answer 31

Listen to your mom. Why? First, because she's your mom. She's the adult responsible for you. Second, because she is older and therefore has more life experience than you. Third, because she has been in your baby's situation and so she knows the consequences better than you do.

Besides, once your baby is born and you look into his/her lovely little face, you will realize that you love your baby and don't want to lose him/her. Your mom already knows that. She's looking out for you, and for her grandchild.