Tell children they're adopted or not?

Question

I have 5 children that I have adopted. I'm unsure of whether it's better to let them know they're adopted or to keep it quiet. I have heard the pros and cons of both.

Answer 1

i have 5 brother and 3 sisters and just me and my older sisters are biological children...all my brothers and sisters know they are adopted and they have pictures of there siblings...i think you should tell them its better for them to know that you adopted them to give them a better life.

you should get them some books like

"Tell me again about the night i was born"

and

"A mother for Choco"

they are very cute books and it can help them understand why they are adopted

my mom always tells them than rather them being grown in Her tummy they grew in her heart.

Answer 2

The truth is ALWAYS the best answer, so tell them!!! I would hate to have my parents keep a secret like that from me!!!

Answer 3

They need to know.  We plan on incorporating our child's adoption story into his/her life as earlier as possible.  Not in a "We adopted you, be thankful" or the super way too sweet "We picked YOU out of all the children in the world" but in a matter of fact, this is how you came to be our child, part of our family, obviously stressing the love we have for him/her and the love his/her biological family had (whom for whatever reason, obviously I don't know the reason yet, as we have yet to adopt, couldn't parent).  If we are part of the biological families life (and I hope we are) then, obviously she/he will know them as her family too.

There are so many books aimed at little kids about adoption, that would be a good way to start telling them the truth.  

You need to look into your reasons for wanting to keep the adoption quiet, because this is part of their history, and they need to know that.  Would you want it sprung on you when you were "old enough to understand"?  Or would you rather the knowledge be something you just always knew?  I think it would be the latter, at least in my case.  

I had something sprung on me when I was a kid, not that I was adopted, but...that my parents had me in high school, and got married after I was born.  It wasn't something they planned on telling me until I was older (I was in second grade, so eight or nine), but the way I found out, it just slipped out, and even though it wasn't as monumental as being adopted, it still...freaked me out and since my parents were really kind of ashamed about it, I carried a lot of shame over it, and do to this day, as an adult.  I can't even imagine if it was something as huge as I was adopted...that would have been life shattering.

Sorry this is a long ramble.  I just think you should start immediately to make it as matter of fact as possible.  Don't make them be special because they are adopted, no kid wants to be singled out like that.  Something along the lines of:

Families are built in many different ways...this is the way your family is built.  You can talk about all the different types of families too, so they know they aren't abnormal that their family was built "differently".

Sorry this is so long!

Answer 4

my daughters biological father left us when she was 3 months old and has not been a part of her life since. she is now almost 3. i am married to a great man and we have twin boys on the way. waiting on one last court date and the adoption of my daughter by my husband will be final! she will never know any different. she has her daddy who loves her and has taken better care of her than i could have ever imagined. thats all that is important. (my hubby was also adopted so he knows what it is like from that view point.....we both agree on the subject)

Answer 5

Secrets and Lies are toxic, and never stay secret forever.  They deserve to know the truth, all of it

Answer 6

It's a personal choice.  Personally, I would like to know that I was chosen and not just the results of mom and dad having a good time.

Answer 7

If you don't tell them, they'll find out from someone else.

Then they'll want to know why you kept it hidden.

"Are you ashamed of them? Why is it a secret? Was there something terribly wrong with their parents? Are they bad somehow?"

If it's in the open when they're younger, it'll be easier for them to accept. There will be more opportunity for you to discuss it casually before teenage emotions run too high.

Basically, if you make a big deal out of it; it will become a big deal.

If you celebrate it, it will become something to be proud of.

Something that makes them a unique family.

Answer 8

absolutely tell them. that is not something that you keep from your child. they will have so many issues if you keep this from them.

my brother was adopted, and we let him know from day one. my mom developed something of a story, telling him that he was created in his birth mom's stomach, but that God knew that she didn't have  any food for him, or a place to live, so he decided that he should live with us. My mom makes it a very special story, letting my brother know how glad we are that he's a part of our family now. It's hard for him sometimes, but he also is glad that he knows. He also spends time with his birth family a few times a year, which is great, because he loves his siblings. please don't keep this from your kids. they would be missing out on a whole half of their lives. they deserve to know their place in the world, and in your family.

you have done such a wonderful thing by adopting those children, but don't take away its meaning by keeping the truth from them.

EDIT: my mom suggests reading "twenty things adopted kids wish their adoptive parents knew"

written by Sherrie Eldridge, an adopted child

not telling your children that they were adopted is an insecurity issue. better to deal with the pain of being adopted WITH your child, than to deal with the anger and feelings of betrayal you will surely get later.

Answer 9

I'm an adult and was adopted when I was almost 2.  So, from my point of view as an adoptee, I would suggest YES - tell them when you feel they can grasp the concept of what adoption is.  If you have especially small children, they actually have kid's books you can read to them that explains it in a way a child can understand.  In my opinion, there should never me a moment where they DON'T know.  The not knowing and then revealing it later is what really traumatizes some adoptees.  Identity is formed very early in life, and when you hide a large part of their identity from them....well, it just makes things very hard.

Answer 10

Lie to them until you are cold in your grave and they find the adoption records in your personal effects. WTF???

Do you allow your children to lie to you? Didn't think so. THEN DON'T LIE TO THEM!

Answer 11

Yes you should tell them. It may or may not upset them to find out but it would be better for you to be upfront about it it will only backfire on you if you try to keep it under wrapps.

Do explain that choosing a child is different than having a child "naturally" and that because you CHOOSE them they are more special. My aunt has 3 kids that she adopted all know they were and are very accepting. I also have many friends whom have adopted and all of theirs know as well. Do keep in mind every child is different and will take it differently but in the long run they will come to understand how much you love them because you Chose them.

Answer 12

And which of YOUR rights would YOU like to have trampled and violated?

Perhaps we should just go back to the days when women couldn't vote and black people were slaves too?

OMG THINK about the implications of this!!!  These adoptees are HUMAN BEINGS who have a RIGHT to know about their origins!!  

And people wonder why I don't see adoption as 100% wonderful for the adoptee....wow....*picking my jaw up off the floor*

Answer 13

tell them! If you dont tell them then u run the risk of them finding it out some other way and totally resenting u. its hard but break them in gently with it. I was told from a very early age and upwards in dribs and drabs. It made me more understanding and made me realise that I am not that different from any other kid. I have a loving mother and father and a great sister. Tell them please. :)

Answer 14

I personally believe in being truth full to the child for they will appreciate and they will learn honesty.  The only thing I would suggest to do is to do it when they are at an age where they will understand what it means, each child is different so you would have to see each child's maturity level.  Never lie it always catches up to you and usually lies does more hurt than good.  Good Luck.

Answer 15

Tell them. I have a brother that was adopted. I wasn't, but he was born from the heart. Your kids love you and that will never change.

Answer 16

The only way they will not find out eventually is if NO one knows.  Believe me, they will hear it from a cousin or a neighbor or somebody.

People talk and they will talk to your kids when you are not around.

I know someone who found out when he was twenty.  His sister wrote him a letter telling him because she thought he should know he wasn't really part of the family.  He never got over it.

Tell your kids soon before somebody else does.

Answer 17

tell them !! they need to know the truth! would'nt you want to know if you were adopted??

<3<3

Answer 18

I had to give up my first baby up for adoption back when I was 17. We keep in touch and he said that his adoptive mother told him he was adopted at age 3.

Older than 3 is fine.

Answer 19

To me it would be better to wait until they are old enough to understand and then tell them rather than not have have them find out later from someone else.  But your the parent and you have to decide whats best for your kids.  Congrats on the 5 angels you have.