Tell me a joke - i need a good laugh!

Question

c'mon!

Answer 1

What does cheese say when you take a picture of it?

Can you name a worst golf 4 some?:

1. MONICA LEWINSKI

2. O. J. SIMPSON

3. TED KENNEDY

4. BILL CLINTON

WHY:

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER

2. O. J. IS A SLICER

3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND

4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

Answer 2

One blonde calls to the other blonde from across the river,,,"How do I get across the river?" the second blonde looks up river and then down the river and replies "You are across!"

Did you hear they are planning on operating a new airline that will connect Geneva to Italy? They plan on calling it Genitalia.

Answer 3

It was a womans birthday one day and she decided to treat herself to some baked beans, since she could never eat them when her husband was around, and she decided just this once it wouldn't be that bad. She ate it at a resteraunt, and let out a lot of gas, so she wouldn't f**t in front of her husband. He picked her up from the resteraunt and tied a piece of cloth around her eyes and when they got home he had her sit down at the dining room table.

"I'm going to the kitchen really quick, i'll be right back" he whispered in her ear. The entire time, she had been fighting the urge to let one go, and now in relief she farted several times, and then let another one rip that lasted about five seconds. She sighed in comfort and then quickly got the napkin on her lap and fanned the odors away. When she felt the odor was gone she put the napkin back on her lap. At that very moment her husband came back from the kitchen and took off the cloth around her eyes. "Surprise!" He yelled. All her family and friends were sitting at the table with her.

Answer 4

what's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

you can unscrew a lightbulb

Answer 5

What nationality are you when heading towards a bathroom?

Russian

What nationality are you when going to the bathroom?

European

Answer 6

a lady walks in a jewelery store she leans over to look at a big diamond and farts. She hope no one heard and looks around. it seems like no one heard. she asks a sales lady how much it is. she says if you farted just looking at it you are going to (p**p) when i tell you the price! HOPE THIS MADE YOU LAUGH!

Answer 7

Bob:  Hey Ed, I can make you say "purple".

Ed:  No you can't.

Bob:  Sure I can.  Name the colors of the American Flag.

Ed:  Red, White and Blue.

Bob:  See!  I told you I could make you say "purple".

Ed:  You didn't make me say "purple".  I just told you the colors of the American Flag.

Bob:  Ha! Ha!  You just said "purple"!

Answer 8

how many babies does it take to paint a house red?

depends on how hard you throw them!!!

Answer 9

You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Answer 10

A man is driving home & remembers its ihis daughters birthday so goes to a toy store to buy her a gift

he goes in and sees a display of barbies in the window & askd the sales lady "how much?"

"well it depends on which one", she said, "we have pool party babrie & shes $19.95, We have disc babrie & shes $19.95, Ballerina babries $19.95, skater barbies $19.95 & divorce barbie for $219.95

The shocked dad askes "why is the divorce barbie $219.95 & all the rest are only $19.95?"

the sales lady rolled her eyes, sighs & says "sir, divorce babrbie  comes with Kens car, Kens House fully furnished, Kens boat, Kens computer one of Kens friends & a key chain made of Ken's lungs"

Answer 11

Why Bill Gates decided to sell Microsoft

Letter from Sardar Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft:

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems,

which I want to bring to your notice:

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Bhatinda!

So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system?

I find only 're-cycle', but I own a Vespa scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the

door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was

unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft

sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon

which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a

single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the

PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My

Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife Bebbo to know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

  

Answer 12

my Gf gunna let me have a 3sum with her -  

Answer 13

How do you keep a fool in suspense???  

Answer 14

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like c**p.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're getting smarter already.'

  

Answer 15

whats brown and sticky.........a stick