Tell me if this a good thesis or if it needs to be revised?

Question

Homelessness is a serious problem in America because industry is being moved off shore, foreclosures are at an all-time high, Increase lack of education due to poor government spending.

Answer 1

good facts to start off with. there are some grammar mistakes but overall it is a good start. make sure you state what you are going to argue or present. if you have that with good transitions in 5-8 sentences or so you are set!

Answer 2

I think first of all you need to work on the premises you state.  Is industry moving really contributing to homelessness?  It may mean a loss of standard of living, but rarely homelessness.

Education is an issue, but I think research shows that a large number of homeless people have mental illness issues.

A better thesis statement might be: In recent decades America has done little to help the homeless. Few programs are in place to assist those in need with the main causes for homelessness: lack of  edcuation and mental health problems.

Answer 3

use more transitions, it sounds like your just aimlessly listing all the issues of why homelessness is a serious problem