Tell me some really good jokes

Question

I,m over 21(BY 30 yrs and need a good laugh.Thanks C x

Answer 1

HEY I'M RETIRED AND LOOK LIKE BRAD PITT!!

Answer 2

my names chloe :)

Answer 3

He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . "

"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!"interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope ... "

"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.

One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."

"No sports talk...That's how fights start in bars. " the barman said.

"Look, how about s*x. Can I talk to you about s*x?"

"Sure."

"Good. Go f*ck yourself."

Answer 4

One of the best ones i heard on here the other week.

Did you hear about the woman with no legs who won the annual strawberry picking contest?

Jammy C*nt

Answer 5

One Fat person was riding on an elephant and little boy was laughing at

the man asked the boy have you never seen a man riding on elephant

the boy replies I have seen man a on elephant but hardly seen a an elephant riding on another elephant.  

Answer 6

Why did the man fall of his bike?

Because someone threw a fridge at him!

(God, I love weird humour)

Answer 7

Dear Dave,

look man. im just going to say it,  Im g*y.

but dude i love you, Dave, you remind me of the most beautiful horse i can find on the ranch. man dont go for the chicks just love me.

so what if we`re guys. i always check you out man. come stay over my house tonight. we can party together..*wink sparkle sparkle*

....giggle tickle giggle*

To Dave

From Scott  

Answer 8

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"



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Fred: My girlfriend loves nature.

Dave: That's very generous of her, considering what nature has done to her.

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Boyfriend: Is that a new perfume I smell?

Girlfriend: It is, and you do!

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My girlfriend phoned me and said.. "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

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I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.

She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently, although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".

I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?

I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my g/f. I think deep downI just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.

I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a veiw of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

So what should I do? Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?



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Six girls are on vacation without their boyfriends. They are walking on a beach when they are attracted to the sight of a beautiful six-storey hotel.

Wishing to check in immediately, they walk in. They are greeted by a charming hotel manager who tells them: "Go up to each storey and you will see a sign. If you like what it says, we'll put you up there."

So the six girlfriends take the lift to the floor above, where they see this sign: "All the men here have no money, and are short and ugly." The girlfriends laugh and move off.

On the next storey, they are met by this sign: "All the men here have money, but are short and plain." The girls continue on their way.

At the third level, they see this sign: "All the men here have money, and are tall but ugly." The girls smile and move on.

On the fourth floor, the sign says: "All the men here have money, and are tall and handsome." This excites the girls and they are about to go get registered when they remember that there is one more storey above. So they head up there.

At the top, they see this big sign: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is just no way to please a woman."

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Why are great girlfriends hard to find?

Because the right girls are like parking spaces - all the best ones are taken and the ones available are handicapped.

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GILLIE: Will I lose my looks as I get older?

WILLIE: With luck, yes.

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My girlfriend walked into a shop to buy curtains.

She went up to the salesman and said, "I want those curtains in pink, the size of my computer screen.

The salesman said, "Computers don't need curtains."

My girlfriend said, "Hellooo, I have windows!"