Tell me something funny!

Question

Jordan: Yep. lol.

Answer 1

FUNNY

Answer 2

http://media.photobucket.com/image/mexic...

Answer 3

You're in a room with a baseball bat there are no rooms no doors and no door ways no anything how do you get out?

hit the wall three times with the bat one two three strikes your out

Answer 4

Ok, so a black,asian,white,and mexican man are standing on a cliff. the mexican man says "this is for my people" and jumps off the cliff. The asian man says "this is for my people" and jumps off the cliff. The black man says "this is for my people" and throws the white man over the cliff. U get?

Answer 5

My 10 year olds fave:

Q: How do you make a tissue dance

A: You put a little boogie in it!

(He wriggles his butt on the word BOOGIE)

Answer 6

A flea and a fly were trapped in a chimney

had been there so long they couuldn't remember

said the fly let us flee

said the flea let us fly

so they flew through a flaw in the flu

Answer 7

my friend was alter serving then he was wwalking to the priest and fell down the stairs and just laid thier while the whole congregation aughed at him

Answer 8

i heard of this 1 prank where u put ceran wrap over the toilet bowl.. lol

or put IcyHot pads on the toilet seat. copy and paste this whole thing into the address bar:

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_qu...

click on the first one

Answer 9

This link will make you laugh forever.

http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index...

Answer 10

Two women died and went to heavan.

1st woman: hi im sandy

2nd woman; hello im amy, so how did you die

1st: well i kinda froze to death, see it was really cold and i fell asleep so its okay i guess. SO...how did you die....

2nd; see i could have sworn my husband was cheating on me..I came home after work and thought i would find him with another woman but instead he was on the sofa watching TV.. so i suspected a woman hiding in a closet or somthing. so i ran upstairs and searched every room..  i went up into the attic...i ran down stairs searched every  room..i went into the basement and could not find the putrid woman..I got so tierd from all the running and suspense that i fell over had a heart attack and died. so thats why im here

2nd; Well if you would gave just checked the friggin fidge in the first place we would both still be alive today. thanks alot

Answer 11

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of

easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and

now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,

fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would

ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull

the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of

my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No

melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand,

they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or

wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard

can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined

enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each

other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks

in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"

yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it

tight and . . . . . . pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward

body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I

sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right

side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my v****a and

stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek. (Yes, it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself.........RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!.... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half

the strip. c**p!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is

swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...........must stay

conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to

normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has

caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel

in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.

I am touching wax. c**p! I run my fingers over the most sensitive

part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake.......remember my foot is still

propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my

foot down. d**n!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

v****a? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do

and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to p**p. My head

may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water

melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,

immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe

it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture

prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only

thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having

them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...

in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I

had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who

had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the

bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some

secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation

starter - "So, my butt and who-ha are glue together to the bottom

of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret

tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She

wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or

hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now.....I can hear her. I

give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of

the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's

night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax

off with a razor . Nothing feels better then to have your girlie

goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water

and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not

working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to

need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on

and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and

scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I

really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works !!" I get a hearty

congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully

remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and

despair....

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Answer 12

A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog leaps for joy, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."

Answer 13

Real 911 calls

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?

Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.

Dispatcher: Do you have an address?

Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

--------------------------------------...

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?

Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.

Dispatcher: Excuse me?

Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.

Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?

Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

--------------------------------------...

Dispatcher: 911

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

--------------------------------------...

Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.  

Answer 14

My answer to another question. :-) I was laughing like mad when I read it... <3

Answer 15

we had a bad storm last night , and i went to sleep with my head under the pillow and when i woke up the basta#d fairys had took all my teeth out

Answer 16

once my sisters friend told her something funny at her house during dinner. They always have like huge fancy dinners. and she was drinking rootbeer and her friend said something funny and she spit her rootbeer all over the food. I guess they weren't having leftovers.

oh we were at a service station on our way home from a huge mall that took like 3 hours to get to, andthere was only macdonalds, lol so my cousin was with me & my mom and my cousin my cousin was eating and there were these like indian er sumthin ppl on the other side of the room, and my cousin burped so loud yo could have heard it all over the service station omg, i have never heard someone burp that loud, and the indian ppl looked at her funny and i was laughing so hard i almost peed, and they came over and asked her if she was okay! lol my mom was like omg eileen (my cousin) where did that come from!?!?!?

oh so one time me & my friend were at wal-mart cuz my mom couldnt find something she wanted at price chopper that she wanted to try, so me & my frien got bored and started walking around, she dared me to get condoms and put them in a really old ladys cart front that we just saw, so i did. we ran by her when she was looking at shoes and threw them in the front of her cart, she never noticed and i think she ended up buying them! lol

well, message me if you want more

Good times!

Answer 17

i was talking to my mate about how wrong i think masturbation is...and he never heard me probably and he said "come again"                                                           then i didnt stop laughing for about 30mins and he never knew what he said

Answer 18

Me and my bestfriend always make these kind of things up.. here's acouple..

If I was a rollercoaster, would you ride me?!

If I was a light, would you turn me on?!

If I was a can, would you crush me?!

You know, funny stuff like that :p.

Answer 19

move a piece of furniture like a half inch everyday- who ever it belongs to it will really confuse them!

Answer 20

oh this is funny...a story i heard at uni... there was a lass had a one night stand n in the morning the lguy (it was the guys flat) said he needed to go to work but she could stay n let herself out when shes ready,. anyway, she had a poo and chain wudnt flush, nto wanting to leave it she picked it out lou with a bag, she left him a note with her number on n left the house locked door n shut it behind her........then she realised shed left the bag of p**p on bench next to her number n ***** get back in......cring!!!! dunno if its true but i nearly died when i heard it hahahahaha

Answer 21

Never raise your hands to your kids, it leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out, my philosophy is no pain,no pain.

I'm in shape, round is a shape.

I've always wanted to be somebody, I should have been more specific.

One out of every three Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your friends, If they are OK it must be you

They show you how detergent take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a shirt with bloodstains all over it. maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.

A lady comes up to me on the street and points to my suede jacket and said "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said  "I didn't know there were any witnesses, now I will have to kill you too"

Answer 22

so there was this mental guy wwho lived at the mental hospital! so then a fellow mental woman fell into the pool they had there and almost drownd so he jumped and saved her! a administraitor came in and told him he could leave because they thought he was stable enough to go live on his own. the woman said "unfortunanttly the woman u save hung herself today " hes like "well actually i put her there to dry!" the woman faints. when she wakes up he is there and says,"so when do i get to leave again?"

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha funny stuff

Answer 23

42 ways to get kicked out of Wal-Mart? Rate them 1-10?

Glue coins on the floor where people can see them and see how many people try to pick them up.

When there is a sign that says, "Caution: Wet Floor", move it somewhere else or to a carpeted area.

Switch the price tags.

Put random things in peoples' carts.

Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away.

Look straight into the security camera, use it as a mirror.

Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

Take the shoes off that you are wearing, then try to buy them. If a cashier tries to tell you that you didn't get them there, refuse and say you did.

Yell, "We got a code red in housewares!" and see what happens.

Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "Pick me! Pick me!

Go into a fitting room and wait a while. Then yell very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!

Ride around on a 3-year old's bike screaming, "The British are coming! The British are coming!

Set the alarms in the clock aisle to go off continuously every 5 minutes.

Get a toy water gun and then duck tape all of the Elmo dolls together and say, "Don't move or the Elmos get it!

Get chopsticks and stick them in your nose and run around yelling, "I'm a walrus! Hear me roar!

Pretend to be a manakin and dress up in store clothes. Strike a pose. If someone looks at you, make faces.

Stare at the ceiling and see how many people look to see what you're staring at..

Take a Darth Vador doll and when a clerk isn't looking, pick up the intercom phone and press the button to make teh Darth Vador doll talk on the store speaker system.

Walk behind a person who works at Wal-Mart and say, "Can I help you?

Grab one of the sample perfume bottles and squirt random passing people.

Get whipped cream and put it in your mouth and run around screaming, "I have rabies!

Talk on the loud speaker and say, "Attention K-Mart shoppers!

Walk up to a random person and say, "Hey! I remember you!" and see if they play along to avoid emberrasment.

Put barbies in a tough-looking guy's cart.

Take a bunch of bouncy balls and bounce them at people.

Test fishing gear by casting into other aisles and see what you can catch.

Get a toy gun and run around the store playing army.

Pat a person on the back and put a "Kick Me" sign on them.

Throw a tennis ball and then chase it on all four legs, catching it in your mouth like a dog.

Dress up as Batman and sit in a cart while someone pushes you and yell, "To the Batcave, Robin!

Play bumper cars with the shopping carts.

Dress up as Spiderman and tackle random people and run off yelling,

"Another villan stopped by Spiderman!" and then say, "You can thank me later!

Start singing in a horrible voice and when people look at you, say, "I'm the next American Idol!

Get a can of Lysol and follow someone around the store, spraying everything they touch.

Spitball the cameras and random people.

Breakdance in the middle of the store..

"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out.

Play "Marco Polo"

Randomly throw things into neighboring aisles.

Run up to a complete stranger and say, "You're it!

Take a "mysterious package" to someone's cart and say kinda loud, "Here's the next clue, meet me at Sector 57 at oh- seven hundred hours tomarrow.

Bring no one. "

Get 20 people together and play "Hide and Go Seek

Disclaimer: If you do decide to use these, your trip may never be the same!!!!!!!

Answer 24

FEMALE COMEBACKS:

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together

Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Answer 25

Two rednecks, Hank and Jenny Sue went for a walk in the country. After a while, Hank had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself. Jenny Sue waited for Hank....and waited, and waited. Finally, she looked inside and saw Hank stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick.

"Hank, what the h**l are you doing, stirring in the sh.it?" she yells.

"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains. "It's the one my momma gave me."

Jenny Sue shakes her head. "You're crazy....you're not gonna wear that thing now, are you?"

"h**l no," Hank assures her, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"

Answer 26

Ahaha true fact!!!

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. Meanwhile, The Russians used a pencil.

Answer 27

Prank- once my brothers girlfreind was in the shower and my brother set up those little 4th of july snap dragons (you know the things you throw on the ground and they go POP!) and he rigged them so when she opend the door the would fall all over her feet!!!

it was funny!

Joke- why was tigger sticking his head in the toilet.. because he was looking for POOH!

Riddle- okay, so you are in a room with no door   or windows.. and you have a mirrow and a peice of wood how do you get out???

you look in the mirrow you see what you saw you take the saw cut the wood in half take the two peices of wood put them together to make a whole and climb through the whole!

Answer 28

If you put your elbow in your ear you'll turn into the opposite s*x .

Answer 29

There is a school and recess is over. The teacher asks: What did you do during recess sarah? Sarah replied: I played in the sandbox. The teacher says: spell "sand" and you get a cookie. Sarah did and got a cookie. Next the teacher asked tim what he did. Tim also played in the sandbox. The teacher asks tim to spell "box". Tim does and gets a cookie. Next Mohammed comes and tells the teacher he tried to play in the sandbox but tim and sarah threw rocks at him. The teacher says: that is blatant racial discrimination. Spell "blatant racial discrimination" and you get a cookie.

Answer 30

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 31

blonde jokes rock lol

3 people die - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead

to get to heaven they have to listen to 100 jokes and if they laugh at any they go straight to h**l

redhead goes 1st does quite well - get to 20 then laughs and goes to h**l

brunette does a bit better and gets to 30

blonde gets all the way to 99, and laughs, and god says "awww! you were doing so well, but why did you laugh now? that joke was no funnier than the rest"

blonde replies laughing "i just got the 1st joke"

hope you like :)