Tell me what you think of my sonnet please?

Question

Oh how I love you so, my dear sweet star

Might it be, my love is none but obsessed

I love you when you’re either near or far

Oh my dear, but I really do not jest

There you are, some beautiful memories

It’s your wit, your skinny legs, your blue eyes

It’s the way you make me weak at the knees

You're like heaven in the spacious skies

You're the wind breathing over my skin

You’re the dream I wish I never could lose

You're the fire burning up my sin

You’re the only one I would ever choose

I had to write it for English my sophomore year. It had to be about something or someone we loved. And it had to be obsessive like Shakespeare. So tell me what you think....

Answer 1

Amazing...

Lurved the last part!!

Answer 2

Stimulating poetry.You could be a beginner of William Shakespeare.

Answer 3

There are parts of this poem that are very good, like the last four lines.  They could stand alone as a short poem.

As a former English teacher, I despair that your teacher did not explain the concept of iambic pentameter which is essential to a sonnet.  Each line should have five feet, consisting of an unstressed syllable followed by an accented one, something like this:

ta DUM, ta DUM, ta DUM, ta DUM, ta DUM

Not even one of your lines follows that rhythm.  You might have come close once if you tried something like this:

you ARE the WIND'S soft BREATH upON my SKIN

There should be a couplet at the end of the poem so the rhyme scheme would be ABAB CDCD EFEF GG.

So much for the mechanics; now, as to content....SKINNY LEGS?  What can I say?

I would be curious to know what grade you received for your would be sonnet.  I know a lot of work went into writing it, but fear your teacher did not read it.

Answer 4

A true Shakespearean sonnet would take one metaphor and work it for all fourteen lines (not twelve -- where's your final couplet?) You mention a star in the first line, wind in the ninth, dream in the tenth, fire in the eleventh. Choose one and use the entire poem listing specific ways in which your love compares to it.

But I do like your poem! It would make great lyrics for a song.