Telling All.... is this sharing too much?

Question

should a child (if not wanted by the PAPs) would have been tharaputicaly aborted do to likely birth defect (not out of being unwanted) , does get adopted, should that part of his story be shared?

I know a lot of people are all for tellng all, but is this too much?

How will this might this make him feel?

Answer 1

oh. To me that sounds like a "when you are ready" type of discussion. I'm all for openness and honesty but that just isn't something you tell a child. To be honest if it was a bio kid you wouldn't have to say a word really, you would just be able to accept that you made the right choice and move on. Adoption makes everything so complicated! I most likely wouldn't tell my bio child something like that outright, more likely I would tell him or her that therapeutic abortion was an option but wasn't what we wanted to do. With an adoptee you have to prepare them for everything, usually meaning preparing them for the worst case scenario. At least this is how I deal with things, no expectations no pain right? How do you say "If we hadn't taken you you wouldn't be alive" to someone??? Wow. You have to tell them, if they found that out through a search I can only imagine the hurt they might feel. But when and how?

I think the emotions would be stupidly hard to deal with. Even more loved by their a-parents? Angry at their n-parents? Ashamed of their birth defect? Hurt that someone considered aborting them? Sorry that they weren't? Maybe even "grateful" they were "saved".  There are so many things a person could feel over something like that.

Answer 2

I face this with my daughter.  I know that her biological mother considered abortion when she found out she was cleft-affected.  She even told us so.  She chose to continue her pregnancy, though.  My daughter will know this.  It will be talked about when she is older and with an understanding of the cultural and social factors that made her birthmother's decision to continue her pregnancy a very brave thing.

Answer 3

Hi Florida Gal,

I'm not sure I totally understand your question clearly.  If you mean do the adoptive parents have an obligation to share all of the adoptee's history and information that they have with him/her, then the answer is yes.  All information belongs to the adoptee.  Adoptive parents are trustees of information for the child.  By age 18 at the latest, the adoptee should have all of their information.  I don't believe an adult adoptee's information should be censored or filtered in any way by anyone else, no matter how well-intended.

I'm assuming you are posing a hypothetical question as I'm not sure how the adoptive parents would know what the natural parent's intentions were as far as abortions that may have been considered before birth.  If a parent who had actually raised their child had considered an abortion at one point, is that something they should later tell their child?  When you get right down to it, couldn't any child theoretically have been aborted if they were conceived at a time when abortion was legal and available?  For that reason, I'm not sure why that information would need to be included in adoption records or relayed to the adoptive parents since it goes without saying that any pregnant woman can have an abortion if she wants one, married/single/birth defects or not.

Getting back to the case of a child who was born and then later adopted by someone else, something to keep in mind is that social workers often give incorrect or incomplete information in the records.  That's why adoptees should never assume that everything they hear is true.  It is best to take what information you have with a grain of salt, then verify the rest of the story from other sources, preferably the natural family later.  That will give you the most accurate picture.  I have known many adoptees who had erroneous information passed on to their adoptive parents.

Incidentally, I'm assuming you mean the natural parents in your question, rather than prospective adoptive parents.

Hope that helps.  If it's in the adoptee's records or was told to the adoptive parents, then yes, the adoptee has a right to know.  There is no such thing as "telling too much" to an adult.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

While adopted children need to know their special story and place in your family, it needs to be done on an age appropriate level. This type of information is definitely a "need to know" type thing an dyou may want to eliminate from his adoption story when you talk about adoption with him or answer questions.  I guess if it were me, I'd keep this information unless he came flat out and asked about it in some way when he was much older.