Telling adoptees how they should feel about adoption?

Question

Why do so many people seem to think they have an obligation to tell adoptees how they should feel about their adoption?

That we should be grateful, happy, and love our adoptive parents?

What are they so scared of?

Answer 1

I don't know why people fell that way, but no one has the right to tell you how to feel or how you should feel.  I am adopting a beautiful baby boy, and I thank his birthmother everyday.  We are having an open adoption because I don't want my little boy to ever have to wonder about his birth family or have to search for them and be heartbroken because he didn't grow up with them.  

I am not scared to let my baby boy know his birthfamily because it is important to me that he always be happy and fulfilled and I feel that denying him access to his birthfamily will cause him heartache, pain and grief that is totally unneccesary.  

The next time someone tells you how you should feel, turn around and tell them that they should feel ashamed of themselves, you are entitled to your feelings and emotions, good or bad, and no one should tell you how to feel, ever.  Good luck.

Answer 2

They are scared of adoptees hurting their adopted parents' feelings. The parents will feel sad and hurt since they did all they could for you and you aren't grateful.

Answer 3

I agree that every situation is different and nobody had any right to tell someone how they "should" feel. You feel the way you do for a reason. =)

Answer 4

Well I am sure that it is a very complicated feeling/situation, but being adopted is better than having to jump from foster care to foster care your whole childhood.

Answer 5

That happened to me allot also.  I think there afraid that if there isn't the "blood bond" that the "made up" family might just fall apart.  There is so much divorce in this world that commitment is seen as some thing temporary that any party can back out of, and that is not the case with adoption.  That is what makes it so wonderful.  Also you will never know who gave up a child and these people need to believe that there children went on to better situations.

Answer 6

I don't think anyone at any point in time has any right to tell another person how they should feel about any situation.

Answer 7

I get what you are saying..I was adopted and I had a friend tell me that I didn't have to Be curious about my biological parents because I had good adoptive parents...I told her it was my decision and stuck to my guns.  People who are not adopted don't get what we think!

Answer 8

I have no idea.  I think a lot of people have the idea that their experience with life is the only experience out there, some people are very judgemental, some people just can't see outside their own world and experience.

I'm not sure what you mean by scared, who is scared in particular?

I think every adoptees, birth family, and adoptive family's experiences will be very different, as will the experiences of every family out there, so nobody has the right to tell someone else how they should feel.

Besides, anybody has the right to feel any old way they want about anything, right?  I have no idea why people do that.

As an adoptee, I've experienced a similar thing, and I've learnt over time to tune it out.

I've also experienced other people telling me how I should feel about my birth family, who to some people are considered to be my 'real' family.  Some people, including other adoptees are unable to understand how I feel about my situation, and see it as being 'unfaithful' to my birth family.

I don't know, I guess wherever you're coming from, there'll always be someone from another perspective to tell you that you're wrong!

Answer 9

They are afraid of finding out the truth.  They figure that if they keep saying things like that then it will be the truth and that there will be no "bad/dark" side.

Answer 10

I think that you make a point. People do tend to do that but it is just human nature. they don't expect you to feel anything for your adopted parents they just want you to respect them.

Answer 11

weird question, i think your living in a dream world with your own situations

Answer 12

I'm adopted . my adopted parents told me so much about my biology parent that wasn't true. That hurt when I grew up and found out that it wasn't true. Then in school kids would tease me about being adopted. I think only other people that is adopted can truly understand about adoption. Also on the flip Side only biology parents can understand how they feel about adoption. Remember there is many reason to adopt or adopt your kids out. It isn't anyone business why anyone was adopted or why some adopted their kids out. Some people just don't know the facts.

Answer 13

When your family dynamics and an industry has been built on people acting "as if" they expect and do a large bit of pushing ALL parties to act "as if" and when the adoptee doesn't want to act "as if" they try to shove the "as if" down our throats. Society has bought in to the "as if" aspect of adoption. They want adoptees to continue pretending nothing is different for us...

AS IF!!

Answer 14

No one has the right to tell you how you should feel about something.  I would say they are giving you a chance and maybe you should give them a chance.  I think they are scared of you not giving them that chance.

Answer 15

What do you mean, "What are they scared of?"  I personally feel no obligation to tell anyone how they should feel about their parents.  Most "kids" go through a time of ill feelings towards their parents.  Whether its their biological parents or adopted parents.  Some kids even end up having no relationship at all with their parents.  Every family dynamic is different no matter how they became a family in the first place.

Answer 16

Who are you even talking about?

Who are these "so many people" ?

You're projecting. Get a hobby.

Answer 17

People are scared to find out the "solution" of adoption doenst "fix" the "problems" ie, single parenthood, infertility, poverty (or the lack of material goods). Not all adoptions are "happy happy joy joy" and the multibillion dollar industry does not want that to be known.

Answer 18

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE....

Answer 19

Not all adoptive parents are good to their kids, so why should a person feel grateful if their parents abused them. YES adoptive parents abuse their kids, do drugs, drink, etc. Sometimes in those situations it might have been better for the birth mom to have kept them.

Answer 20

they shouldn't tell you how to feel but perhaps they try so that you will focus on why you were adopted by someone rather than focus on why someone put you up for adoption.

Answer 21

Because many people actually believe the (false) stereotype of the "druggy/alcoholic birthmother" and that women who place their children would actually just as soon dump them in the trash.

I know, is't that ignorance just insane?

People also still feed into the (false) idea that adoptees should feel "grateful" for something they had no control over, for something that (most of us) didn't ask for, for something that we didn't want - to be separated from our families and be lied to all our lives.

Some people still believe that an adopter is always a saint, and a "birth" mother is always a substance-abusing, child-abusing prostitute.  (So not true)

People still believe that adoption is the only alternative to abortion - and vice versa.

Some people don't realize that even though they WEREN'T adopted, that they, too, could JUST as easily been aborted, or dumped in the trash by THEIR mothers.  Perhaps they should feel grateful for that.

Some people just believe that an adoptee owes their very life to the person who "took them in" yet they don't realize that our "Birth" mothers would have (and probably wanted to) taken care of just just as well, if not BETTER, than our adopters.

Some people don't understand that adoption agencies are actively COERCING mothers out of their children because so many infertile people want a kid.  Procuring that infant = big bucks. It's simple supply-and-demand, people.

Some people have no empathy for others.

Some people don't think that treating one class of humans as sub-human is bad.  They think it's perfectly acceptable - GOOD even - to deny an entire class of people their birth certificates, their medical records, their identities and their ancestry.

Some people just don't have two brain cells to rub together.

Answer 22

Freedom, is that something you experienced personally? That DOES happen to far too many children and it is TERRIBLE and it should never happen to anyone.

That being said, not all biological parents would relinquish their children if they knew the child would go to foster care. Many expectant moms actually WANT to parent and are loving nurturing souls. They just know that aparents have more money, more job security, bigger savings accounts, a nice house etc etc.

Material things they can not give to their children. It's really sad when adoptions happen for this reason because a child loses a really loving mother and never knows it, or finds out and is devastated by it. Especially if the child DOES end up in an abusive adoptive home and they would otherwise have actually been in a loving nurturing home, albeit lower income.

Both of those scenarios happen.

Do you see why there are a myriad of different ways an adoptee might feel about their adoptive parents and bio-parents respectively? For someone who only has experience with foster care adoptions, I can understand your view of bioparents vs adoptive parents.

Otherwise, it's a skewed vision.

Answer 23

Sad - isn't it.

A question for all those not-adopted -

How often are you told to be grateful for not being aborted???

Sadly - it's not just what is explicitly SAID either - actions can speak a lot louder than words IRL.

Answer 24

i was adopted and i know how some would feel. not everyone but i know we are lucky cause we get picked and not put on this earth with someone that may not like us there are some that aren't so lucky and that is sad but its not all the much that it happens. you dont' have to thank your lucky stars etc. i mean its great and all but we are humans and should be treated as humans and are i never heard my adoptive parents tel me nothing about how did i feel. its the people in this area that are telling you how to be feel ect. i mean so why get up in arms over this. there is nothing to be afraid of its done and over and therefore you gon on your way and sometimes you can help someone yourself whose not so lucky cause you have learnt from this.  take care.

Answer 25

There are a lot of nosy parkers out there in the world... people do that out of different motivations.

Some do it to feel superior, others do it out of a misplaced feeling of duty, and there are others who are just completely oblivious to social grace.

learn to ignore people who give you destructive comments as you cannot eradicate these people.

Answer 26

I am going to assume you have never visited an orphanage or youth facility...In American or otherwise,  been raped or beaten by foster parents. I will assume you have never aged out of the system having spent your whole life being passed from family to family....with no one wanting you, no one really caring about you... I know for sure that bad things happen to children but the fact is adopted children are less likely to be abused by their adopted parents... No no I'm not going to tell you how you should feel but perhaps paint a picture of a life that you missed out on thanks cold and heart-less people who adopted you.

Answer 27

Honey, people feel the need to tell everyone how they should feel about everything.

It isn't just you.  Take it all with a grain of salt.

Answer 28

This is about the 20th adoption question i answered reading and learning from other adopted people. Thank you for posting question about adoption! I was never told by my adopted( mom) that i was adopted and found out after her recent passing. Do i have questions and concerns to why she never told me? Sure do but you know what I'm a mom myself and need to focus on my kids lives now and not put myself into a frenzy as they say to why she never told me. There are alot of obvious reasons to why  she didn't  tell me and now that i know of the adoption its always going to be on my mind but i live day to day and am doing fine...She and my dad were the best thing to ever happen to me!