Telling children they were adopted: should that be mandated?

Question

We've seen several questions toying with the idea of mandating certain things with regards to adoption: from native language to honouring open adoption contracts.

But what about mandating the fact that they were adopted in the first place.

Mandating parents to do anything with regards to their children would ordinarilly give me pause, but not for this. Frankly I am shocked that it still happens.

Should adoptive parents, before they are allowed to adopt, have to sign a contract (that is legally binding) that will tell their child they were adopted at the moment the adoption was finalized?

What would the penalty be if they do not conceed? Would social workers have the right to intervene and tell?

Is this something that should be mandated in the first place?

***To be clear, I think parents ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY should tell their children they were adopted and I believe that they should be declined as potential parents if they dont wish to do that.

My only pause is what's happens after the adoption is finalized and the parents have not kept their word.

Answer 1

Ethically obviously the parents should tell the child he/she was adopted.

However, I strongly believe the less government interference in my private life the better.  So, I don't believe that this should be something the government gets involved in.  

Social workers may want to stress the importance of letting the child know from an early age that they are adopted, so that they don't deal with the shock of it at a later date.  But to make it a mandate is just not something I want to agree to.

I think that parents need to have the final say in what they do or do not tell their children, even if I don't agree with the parent's views, I think that as parents it is their right to do so.  I would not want to be forced to tell my children anything, it is almost like mandating people to take their children to a Christian church.  Or any church for that matter.  

Answer 2

Well I do agree that parents should tell their children they are adopted. The same could be said could be said for those who use an egg or sperm donor. Some of those parents have no plans to tell their kids about that either.  I also feel it’s completely up to the parents and don’t think they should have to sign some legal contract.  

What good is it going to due to  throw the parents in prison? That does not benefit the child nor would removing the child from the only home and parents they have known.

Answer 3

I'll tell them when they ask, until then, there is no need to bring up the subject.

They know they were born in China, but they know me as DAD.

Answer 4

I do agree that a should be told that they were adopted from the beginning but I do not believe it should be mandated.  Every family is entitled to their beliefs in how to raise their kids.  The government should not have a say so in how to raise your kids with the exception of making sure they are fed, clothed, sheltered, etc.  This is a family matter.  It is completely up to the adoptive parents to make the best choice for their family.  The government has enough say so over things.  

And I totally disagree with the comment about telling children they were conceived out of rape.  What good would come out of a child knowing that?  Imagine how they would feel growing up and knowing that.  Once they are adults and they push the issue then they can be told.  

Answer 5

I strongly believe that children should be told about their adoption.  But, I also strongly believe that it should not be mandated.  The government has too much control over our lives as it is and this is just one of those slippery slope situations.  

If it's mandated that adoptive children are told they are adopted, then it should also be the case for children of rape to be told how they were conceived.  It would also only be fair to mandate that all affairs and children produced from them be informed of how they were conceived.  While I believe they SHOULD be told, I don't think it should be mandated, or even possible to regulate that.  

Answer 6

I'm all for a form of post-adoption monitoring until adulthood anyway, in which the aspect of telling can be a part.I think that will already reduce the likelihood parents are not going to tell. Those who will insist on not telling probably have all sort of other issues too, due to which the child should not have been in their family in the first place.

Answer 7

While I ABSOLUTELY believe that children should know they are adopted from the get go, I do not think that it should be law. I am libertarian, and as such I believe in small government. I DO NOT want the government telling me how to raise my child. (he is not adopted, but the logic still applies)

Answer 8

Hi Kazi,

I also agree that it is the adoptee's right to know their own facts.  Withholding vital information is not morally acceptable behavior.  I agree with the posters who suggest people who would do that should not be adopting in the first place.  Fortunately, most AP's are more enlightened these days & do intend to raise adoptees with knowledge of their status.  The question becomes how can we assure that all adoptees gain this knowledge if they happen to get AP's who intend to hide this from them?

When this was discussed here last year, Phil suggested a different approach.  Adoptees could receive an adoption notification letter from their state on their 18th birthday.  If AP's know ahead of time that the truth is going to come out eventually anyways, they will be more likely to be honest all along.  Hopefully, adoptees will have been raised with this knowledge.

I would support such a measure to ensure that no more adoptees fall through the cracks.  This way there will be no required contracts, no punishment required of AP's for failure to comply, & best of all, the adoptee learns his/her truth.  Thanks for bringing this up again.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 9

I definitely do think parents should be required to tell their children they're adopted. I was just discussing this with my mom (adoptive) the other day, and she told me the agency my parents used (Adoption Alliance in TX) lightly recommended that they tell me I was adopted, but didn't say anything further about it--thankfully they decided to be honest with me from the start.

However, I agree with the others who are saying it would be near impossible to enforce the laws without some irritating and invasive involvement from the agency or social workers, which, in a household with normal circumstances, I think would do more harm than good.

I do think, though, that agencies should be required to provide information on the advantages of honesty and suggestions for dealing with a child's questions.

Answer 10

While I agree with you that it absolutely should happen that parents tell their children the truth regarding their own adoption, unfortunately, as with most things, it cannot be mandated. Even if it were 'mandated' there wouldn't be enough resources, enough people to investigate, enough time to demand that the child is being told the truth. Further, what punishment could you give a parent for not telling the truth? And would that punishment fit the crime and would that punishment necessarily cause undue trauma for the child all over again? I am not saying that there isn't a huge amount of trauma for adoptees who aren't told the truth until they are 18, 25, 44, etc. However, would there not also be trauma in removing a parent or child from the home for their lie (i.e. jail time for parent or termination of placement for child)? I don't know what type of punishment would both deter ap's lying to their child AND punish the ap--while not punishing the child. Anything with jail time would cause distress for the child, but anything less than jail time wouldn't be much of a deterrent.

EDIT: Kazi, now that you are going through the foster/adopt track, I would be interested to know if anyone involved in your homestudy/training will speak of the need for you to tell your achild about his adoption. I know in our case, sadly, it has never been mentioned and was not mentioned in training.