Telling my child about their father...?

Question

I am pregnant. I don't know if its a girl or a boy. I won't know until they are born. I'm 17. My ex-boyfriend is my baby's father. He doesn't want to be part of our lives. I really don't need you guys telling me how stupid I was and all that. I already know and already had to take it from my mom. I am fully responsible for my actions and I am keeping my baby no matter what! And I will love him/her no matter what.

I'm due in October. I know I shouldn't be worried about this now, but how can I tell my child about their father. That he didn't want them and so he left? There is no way I can say it without making him sound like a jerk and hurting their feelings?

I don't know what to do. Its better that he isn't in our lives. He would just make things really bad for everyone!

Any advice?

Answer 1

Being truthful is always best.  If you lie, the child will eventually find out and then be very angry and resentful.  You just tell the child that you got pregnant very young and that his/her dad was also very young and not prepared to be a dad, that he felt it best to move on and not further complicate your lives.  Don't talk bad about their father, as sometime in the future he may grow up and become a responsible dad.....but I doubt it.  You also shower your child with the love I am sure you have for it and that should be enough.  Hopefully, you will meet some wonderful man someday who will love you and your child unconditionally.  

Further advice that I will give you is to have the father sign off his parental rights to the child as soon as possible.  Then he has no legal rights to the child.  This is something that can be done quickly and with little or no expense.  I would contact the Probate Court in your County and ask them what you need to do to accomplish that and then get ahold of your ex and tell him what you want to do.  If he does not want to be responsible for you and the baby, he will probably jump at the chance to sign off his rights.  

Answer 2

i am in the same boat....my daugter's father didn't stick around but the way i see it is that u have nothing to lie about....and if they don't find out from u they will find out somewhere else just be open to any questions ur kid may ask about their dad and tell them that their father wasn't ready for the responsibility but don't lie to them because it will hurt them more in the end...and make sure to emphasize that they are special and u love them no matter what!

Answer 3

I'm sure you know that you won't have to have this talk with your child for at least a few years (usually around 4 or 5 years, when the child is old enough to ask where their father is). But I also know that you are thinking more about the future now that you are envisioning being a mom and caring for your child.

When the question comes up, you'll answer it the best you can in language appropriate for your child's age. You'll tell your child that families come in all sizes, and some kids dads don't see them a lot. When your child is a pre-teen and teenager and working on developing their identity, you can tell them more about how you were both young and that he wasn't mature enough to deal with being a father. The words will come when you need them.

Now, I'm not going to lecture you on having a kid at 17 because you know and will soon find out how hard it will be. What I will say is that you should think long and hard about not cutting the father and his family out of your child's life completely. I'm not saying seek him out. He's probably not ready and you're right - he'll just make everything harder. But one day he might come around for a visit, and your child will need that connection. It's worth sitting in a McDonalds or a park twice a year or letting him show up to birthday parties for your kid to know where he or she comes from and feel like his or her father had the chance to be there. Believe me - you have no idea how bad my biological father was and is, but I've always kind of wished I had at least met him.

Have you talked to his parents? They might be interested in getting to know their grandchild, especially if they know you don't expect anything. If not, well, that's their loss, right.

Congratulations, and best wishes for a healthy, happy baby.

Answer 4

You have many years before this really becomes an issue, and a lot can change between now and then.  It's not something you really need to worry about right now.

When the time comes, and if your ex still isn't in your child's life, just keep it simple, and do not insult him (because your child may perceive that as indirectly insulting him/her).  Just say something like "We were very young when we found out we were going to have you, and your father just didn't think he would make a very good daddy.  But he never had the chance to meet you and find out what a special little boy/girl you are."

Answer 5

An answer to your important question.

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Answer 6

hmm. i think when the baby grows up and understands more you should talk about the situation. Really.

Answer 7

Tell them that their dad is not around cause you and him were young and stupid and made alot of mistakes and he was not ready for a baby but although you were not ready either, you decided you wanted to raise this baby and love him and her soooooooo much. And that although daddy is not around, you love him or her very much and could not imagine life without them and that maybe one day they will get to meet their sperm donor....

Answer 8

Tell them the truth. He was selfish and only thought about himself.  

Answer 9

Tell them the truth that you made a bad choice in having s*x before getting married , picked a bad guy to make them with,but you still love them.Tell them they still have other family that loves them too.

Also your ex's parents will want to be in the child's life.

Answer 10

tell your baby the truth but i would DEF tell the ex's parents... they will want to be apart of your childs life... it is their grandchild

Answer 11

Speaking as a child who was without her father, the best advice I can give you on this...

remember that your child is part of the father as well. If you insult the father the child will take it personally. Because if their father is bad, and they are part of their father, then they must be bad as well.

Do NOT insult the father in front of them. EVER.

The situation won't come up for a couple of years so you do have time. When it does, it will most likely be when they notice somebody else has a daddy and they will want to know why they don't.

The best approach to this is, to explain that we are all different. Some have 2 parents, some have only a mommy, some only a daddy. Do not make it sound negative in any way. Make it as positive as possible. for ex: I am the luckiest mommy in the whole world because I get you all to myself.

Even if they don't know their father, kids always have an romanticized idea of who he is, and any negative behavior on your part will only make you look like the bad guy and the deadbeat will look like a hero.

This is one case where you must take the high road!