Telling your adoptive parents you have met bio family members?

Question

I am almost 29 and adopted. Last year I met my father & my sister. I still have not told any of my adoptive family. My adoptive parents have always expressed a disinterest in me meeting them. I am a part of my bio sister’s life, not so much as my fathers. I feel like I am holding back a big secret by not telling my adoptive family I have met bio relatives, but I just can't get the nerve to tell them. I have a feeling they will be hurt when I tell them. They truly look at me as their own and are prideful people. Telling them would disrupt their perfect little nest. What should I do?

Answer 1

I think you need to do the telling that you met your biological father and sister.  I'm gathering that the bio mother has passed since she wasn't mentioned.  Remember, your legal father and mother told you that you were adopted, not wanting it to come out in an uncontrolled way.  Ask your mother why they told you that you were adopted.  (She's the less critical parent since she has no competition looming.)  Don't, in the future, skip any holidays with the parents to be with the person that gave you up.  As for your bio sister--ask your Mom how to handle it--Sis may not have a place to go for holidays and your mother may welcome her as she would any of your friends.  However, siblings are with you after parents have passed--it's hard to keep any friend, so try to do some things together if you're in the same town.  If not in the same town, probably won't keep in touch very much anyway.  Tell your mom in a soft thoughtful voice after you've opened with the question about "why did you tell me I was adopted, what was the reasoning?"  After it's over with Mom, go to Dad and with with him quietly and close--a swing or sofa would be good.  Tell him you didn't want him hearing it any other way and that you love him forever.  Anyway, this is how I picture it.  Lots of hugs, I didn't want you to hear I was out with some strange man, etc.  Ask about how to handle things with Sis.  Out of town she won't be in your life very much anyway, maybe a trip or two (free lodgings to see new towns and places).  If she's in the same town you can go to events together and be there for each other through thick and thin, better than parents since you're the same approximate age and maybe like to do some of the same things.  Good luck.

Answer 2

You should have had a talk with them before hand.

At this point when you tell them (and you should, they're your folks) reasure them what they mean to you.

You just had to find out about the other pieces of the puzzle.

Answer 3

the only thing which would upset them is the thought that you were unhappy in their company and did a poor job of bringing you up, you must emphasise that you did it to discover your past and see who 'made you' or something along those lines. telling them is better than not, remember that, before you know it it'll be 10 years which would make it harder and worse.

remind them they were the ones who raised youyou need to make your own mistakes etc its the best thing they could do for you. i think you should do it as soon as possible.

Answer 4

My opinion is this, The adoptive parents take a child in, treat them as family, support, educate, love and provide food and shelter.

Why is it when the adoptive child is grown, their bio family takes an interest.

Is it because all the money it takes to raise a child is no longer needed? Your bio parents did not want you when you were adopted out, why now?

Have your bio parent pay back your adoptive parents for raising you if they now want a relationship.

Answer 5

You love them and they are your parents they are to be there with you regardless. I would tell them and let them know no one will replace them, they have been with you your whole life. Also let them know that you felt that you needed to know more about where you came from and thats why you met them. maybe there was an empty space that needed to be filled. The main thing is they prob feel you will love them more. Let them know you love them also.

Answer 6

tell your adoptive parents the truth. as parents they should care about you know matter what you do, they cant blame you that you wanted to see your real biological parents, thats what every adoptive kid wants. i cant really see them not accepting that fact, but sometimes i guess people are different. ask yourself, "are your adoptive parents the forgiving type?" if so they may be willing to accept the fact that you went to go see your real parents. i dont know exactly how it feels to be adopted but, im sure you always wanted to know who your real parents were from the beginning. if your adoptive parents become mad at you for going to see your real parents, eventually they may just accept the fact that you went to see your other parents. i hope this works if you take my advice :] sounds like your really happy having both families.

Answer 7

You should tell them.  You'll have to do this in your own way and at your own time, but it sounds like you won't have any inner peace until you do.

I know it's hard.  My a'parents supported my search, yet when I found my first mother, my adoptive mom experienced some pain she had not expected to experience, even though she knew I was not looking for another mom to replace her.  And that was her issue to deal with, not mine.

You are grown.  You are not responsible for the emotional lives of your a'parents, because they are grown too.

Best of luck.

Answer 8

Tell them, live with honesty. These things always come out and your keeping it from them would be less understood then your reasons for seeking your bio family out.

Keep in mind when you tell them that they will feel a sense of having failed you, of not being enough for you that you felt you had to seek your other family out. Be gentle and be truthful, they will see it as it is intended. They love you and know your heart!

Answer 9

you should be open to them and tell them--> explain to them that you are going to see how things go. Make sure that you let them know they are still the ones you love most dearly even though you have met your bio family!!

Answer 10

The truth shall set you free. Sometimes we need to tell those we love and who love us something that may hurt them. If they truly love and care about you they will respect the fact that you are an adult and you should be respected for the decisions that you make affecting YOUR LIFE as well as theirs. They will be understanding, even though not at first until the brunt of the news takes hold and will not berate or disown you because of it. You need to take the risk because if you don't it will only drag you down in every aspect of your life.

Answer 11

Tell them before it goes too far. Honesty is the only way. If they find out down the road that you have been lying you are going to have a whole new set of problems. You love them they are your family, be honest they deserve it.

Answer 12

i tink u should tell them coz if they do luv u then they wouldnt mind coz there is nuffin wrong wi wantin 2 no ur real famly but first ask them if they would mind if u meet then n u r 29 so it really is your joise even is they dont lk the idea of u meetin them hope tnt helps..x

Answer 13

why do they need to know..it is for you..not them...and your adult..you can have your life and keep the peace for them..its up to your conscience on what you yourself can live with.

Answer 14

This is one of the hardest questions I faced in my own search and reunion.  You know your parents best.

I know that I felt similar to the way you describe here.  I thought they would be hurt and feel betrayed.  The surprised me.  (Well, sort of...)  My amom was very excited for me.  My adad was... okay.  (I'm still not sure how he really feels, but he doesn't treat me any differently.  He just never talks about it.)

You'll have to decide for yourself, I guess.  Many people report worrying about telling their aparents.  Some of them are right to worry.  But many of them are not.  

I wish you well in this roller-coaster.  I hope, whatever you decide, it works out well for you.  Good luck.

Answer 15

Very tough situation to be in I'm sure.

I think if it was me, I would keep the info to myself. Your telling them may feel like a slap in the face or make them feel inadequate. I think as a show of respect for your adoptive parents, you shouldn't tell them, at least for now.

I also suggest maybe you get some counseling. You're in a tough situation and out on a fence in the middle. A counselor/therapist could help with some coping mechanisms and help you with some support.

Good luck!

Answer 16

no honey bunch dont leave daddy!!

Answer 17

It's a scarey thing to do.  Perhaps writing it down would help.

If you really know your parents and you know your relationship with them, it will be OK

Your fears are perfectly natural, but I'm sure you'll feel better once you've spoken with them.

At 29 you don't need your parents permission for anything in your life but it would be nice to have their support

All the best