Terribly Depressed, G/F dumped me 6 months ago, what now at 35 ?

Question

I am a man of 35, from UK. In early 2006 i met a colombian woman online ( through online dating). My marriage had broken down and this woman was really caring and loving. I went to see her and we were right for each other. She understood me etc whereas before my wife had always been difficult, cold and non affectionate and we were not right for each other. At the same time, it was difficult because i had a young child with my wife and i was feeling guilty that our marriage was breaking ( with the young child) and i wasnt living with my wife. My girlfriend understood the situation and was supportive. Anyway, i went to live in colombia on 3 ocassions but i found it difficult to settle there. In February 2008 i returned to the UK and i noticed my girlfriend had started to change, she was saying i wasnt in contact enough and she kept saying i had to change thingss abvout myself. Then, we argued and she didnt contact me. When i contacted her again in March 2008 she said she was tired of me and she didnt want me ( after 2.5 years of relationship). I was devastated. I had invested alot of my feelings into her and i really love her. She said she didnt believe i loved her but really it felt like she was looking to blame many things on me. I then asked her if she had found someone else and she said " i like someone and he likes me, we are talking......im being cautious". I fell to pieces because i realised she was trying something else ( and maybe with someone she met online). I felt a fool. She didnt seem interested to talk more and i havent heard from her again. For me she was the love of my life and i am having massive problems coming to terms with it, even though 6 months have passed. Ive fallen into a big depession and feel totally lonely. My job is in trouble ( not because of this) and really i feel my life is over at 35 ! I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and i have no motivation. I cant stop thinking about her and not seeing beyond what we had together. Im convinced we would have been together forever. I have never felt at such a dead end in my life before. I am still married ( in law, nothing more) but i know that i have to get a divorce but im so emotionally exhausted and stuck on my ex. She was the one for me. Ive been feeling terrible depressed and genuinely suicidal ( although no one who knows me would know i feel suicidal)

Answer 1

I understand how hard this must be for you.  Losing love is very difficult, espcially when you can't seem to get over her no matter what you do.  However, you must try very hard to forget/move on from your Columbian ex.  She has obviously moved on with her life and you must do the same,  I know this sounds harsh but it's the only way you can get over her.  As she hasn't contacted you since, you can pretty much assume it's definately over and the first step is to get rid of the things which remind you of her (pictures/letters/emails).

It must be hard to handle this especially when this whole divorce situation is looming overheard.  You don't have to handle this on your own however, and divorces these days can be very quick, painless and easy.  Some solicitors practises offer a free first half-an-hour legal advice which you could just get a bit of legal advice as to how the divorce process will work out.  If you'd rather get stuck in - i'd try and phone around some solicitors offices near you to find out how much they'd charge for a simple divorce.  Alternatively, speak to your wife about the situation - you never know she might be after an easy divorce too - stay friendly and don't cause aggrivation and you two might be able to come to a really easy convenient way for you both to see your son/daughter (you didn't specify which sorry).

The way to move on ultimately is to change and to do that you need to partake in some new activities.  Join a gym, exercise can do wonders for your self esteem and positivity/outlook on life.  Busy yourself with whatever you can find-  cram in as many activities as you can.  Start jogging, join a sports group - running/walking - where you can meet new people.

Perhaps your job being in jeopardy isn't such a bad thing.  A new job = a new change = new people and new friends.  "Out with the old and in with the new" I think applies to you very well.  Remember you don't have to deal with this all on your own - most people are very willing to listen and that's what friends are for.

Good luck

Answer 2

your colombian gf wanted to get in uk for permanent residence. that's why she wanted u to divorce. if a woman loved u she wouldn't care whether u re legally married or not. and why re u legally married still by the way? u re so weird. that's why your life in a deep pit - u don't take care of things

Answer 3

I don't know you but I am very sorry for what you are going through at the moment because I am too going through a bad breakup. I was with my man for 11 years and I too like you, feel lost, depressed and that my life has no meaning.

But you know what, she's a fool and she is not worth your tears. I know, it hurts being dumped but always remember that she had a huge start on the healing process because the relationship on her end was already dead before she broke it off with you.

For now, I don't wanna tell you that you'll get over it because you won't ! not now and it's OK, Take all the time you need to grieve. Only courageous people face their emotions head on.

Suicidal is not the answer. Think of all you friends, family, coworkers, pet you are leaving behind.

I would recommend you start reading self help books and might seem silly but YA really helps me in the healing process because I am willing to share my story and help others that are in my situation. So it's like being in a supportive group.

For now, you have no choice but to pick yourself up, and go to work. Work is the best thing for you right now because you're accountable to someone.

Do things for yourself, live in the moment, take it one day at a time.

Don't worry about your age, you're still young, cmon. I'M 31

Answer 4

Go to your gp asap and have a chat with them i think that you are depressed,    

Answer 5

Do you have any good friends or family that you could just have around you? Friends who you can cry around without feeling stupid or judged would be beneficial for you. My father told me something when i was going through my first broken heart about 15 years ago "Respect the pain because it will not be the last time you feel this way" I didn't really understand it as a teen but now I do, I am sure you do as well. Time heals, but what to do with all this time? Try getting some great music and just cry to it if you can,  exhaust yourself, exercise sweat it out, dare I say get angry? Take vitamins -B stress ones- think of your child...

Answer 6

Call the suicide hotline and get professional counseling.

Online dating is full of people who aren't what they claim to be and people who want to defraud other people or just play games online. It is better to meet people for dating in your area through clubs, church and other groups, personal ads in your local paper, evening adult classes at a nearby university or high school, etc.

But you aren't even divorced yet, so you shouldn't be dating until you get counseling (hopefully with your current wife) and sort things out. You have a child together, after all.

Answer 7

She wasn't the one for you. You need to rid yourself of this desperate need for a partner, have a more balanced attitude to life, it offers more than just relationships. Treat girls like that with as much regard as they do you, save the love for the ones that deserve it. Discuss your state with a medical professional if you are feeling suicidal. You probably have anxiety/depression and are a lot more worried than you need to be about your current situation.

Answer 8

your life isn't over at 35. I know it might feel that way, but it isn't. think about your child. what kind of a father and role model do you want to be? pull yourself together and seek psychiatric help. go on pills to help you out of this rut if you need to. this woman does not deserve your love. she is with someone else and doesn't care about you. it sounds like you are also using this woman as an excuse not to deal with your marriage, thus being unfair to your wife and son. obviously you will not be forever with this woman because she does not want to. find other things that fulfills you - you have a son and he needs you. sometimes people fixate on their being in love in order to avoid dealing with other things. be honest with yourself.  

Answer 9

I feel for you.  I think you need to look at each point separately.

1.  If your marriage is over you need to seek separation and divorce.

2.  You have to accept this woman no longer wants you.  Perhaps she was sick of your inaction over your wife?  Who knows but its over and done with, she has moved on and you have to accept that.  Take heart, you will meet other women you can build a fulfilling future with.  But next time if you are 100% sure of someone you should make sure you both want to live in the same country and just get on with it.  People don't like being messed about and she had other options.

3.  Work out what is goign wrong with your job - is it just your attitude that is effecting things?  I imagine so.

It sounds to me that you need to find a partner who loves and supports you and you feel very alone.  You need to get out of that marriage if your wife is refusing to fulfill your needs for intimacy and support.  

Answer 10

u need to pick ur ego off the ground and go out and have some fun!!! seriously ur still young its not ova yet...

Answer 11

sorry babe too much text

Answer 12

This is going to be very hard for you to hear, let me warn you, but I think it may help you turn the corner and reaching the bottom of the pool to kick yourself upwards again!

I really feel for you that you are at the lost and in conflict, which doesn't help your situation very much.  It's time to take a good long hard look at what you are doing with your life.

In my opinion, you were lucky to have found yourself an honest, straight talking, loving & supportive woman.  You know this & you love her.

This woman has put up with a lot.  For 2.5 years, she had been there for you, through your healing process and marriage break up etc.

She is right to say that you have to change something about yourself.  If you want to be with her then it's time you you show her that you truly love her (I can totally understand her doubts of your love for her), loving her above all guilts & fears!  You have to divorce your wife and definitely as of this very moment (it is also for your own good) stop thinking of the woman with whom the marriage had ended as 'your wife' !!!  You are not making room in your life for 'the love of your life'.  You are not acting as if she is the love of your life either!

It doesnt sound as if you are living a life of integrity with anyone, especially yourself.  If the marriage had ended, get divorced! What are you hanging on for?  Who are you going to kid?  Your child isn't benefiting from this confusion either, believe me.  2.5 years separation is long enough for a straight forward, no blame divorce.  You could even do it without lawyers, so it won't cost much just standard forms and court filing.  Free yourself, free you Ex (I am going to call her your Ex here, hoping to start you thinking of her as something else rather than 'your wife').  It doesn't stop you both being parents!  Why are you 'stuck on your ex' ???

Your life isn't over.  You are making it over but not taking charge of your life and going for what really matter to you.  Joy of life is about love, not fears, nor guilt.  Isn't time you free yourself from the ball & chain of your unproductive belief?

If you love this woman so much and believe that you would be (not would have been, that means you have given up!?) together forever - do something about it !  Show her you meant it. How could you just let her go , just like that?

I think she was telling you the truth that there was a potential someone.  She was being cautious because she is still has feeling for you and was hurt.

Let her know how you feel and what you are doing about your situation.  6 months isn't long.  You still have a chance.  Don't lose this good woman if you really love her.  Take a deep breath and bounce up to get her back.  Show her with your action.

Get some help, get counselling to get over your beliefs and your fears.  Be true to yourself & make room for love.

I think you can do it.  You have now taking the first step in asking for help.  I hope you are not going to be too late.  Get the ball rolling soon.

If you really can't....  let this good woman go , let her find a good, loving & available man to share her life with.  By all means tell her you love her & tell her what you have learnt from all this, tell her how you are working on yourself now and that her love, understanding & effort hadn't gone to waste.  She deserves at least this.

Regardless of the outcome, please do it for yourself.  Make room in your life for real love.

Answer 13

You have to learn as I did that you don't attract women with kindness and love or respect, you attract them with social value. She left you because your social value was low.  You have to give in to the reality of supply & demand.  Forget about all the jargon that's been shoved down your throat about love and personality and being a gentlemen.  

It's so simple, yet was so obscure- because I had to deprogram myself from all the p.c. nonsense and traditional jargon.  

Answer 14

Ok hun first things first, please go speak to your gp. You feeling suicidal is scary, relationships break down , it's very hard to cope with as some times it feels as though some one has died. But you have to carry on regardless. Find a new job, one you like more, get some new clothes, even move if that's possible. Because you owe your self a fresh start. Begin again, go see friends. And try talking to family members, meet some one in a bar or at work, and go from there. But at the moment it seems like you need time to heal up and be by yourself. Just remember, time really dose heal you up. but you need to think positive and make the first step. Please speak to your Dr. And good luck!

Answer 15

Ask your GP(doctor) about Lovan! Works for me mate!

Answer 16

You have a lot of life ahead of you and during that life you will find that people come and go. When you met this person, she filled a void and helped you through a hard time. But now it is time to move on. Look for someone closer, long distance relationships rarely work. Focus your enegies on what is truly important, your child and your job (or finding a new job) in that order. Start ging to the gym, take some classes, do some charity work. You will be the better for it and you will meet new and interesting people.

And get counseling before you do something so selfish as suicide. How would your child feel to know that you left her forever because of some ditzy broad?  

Answer 17

I am going throug a similar pain. At 33 having discovered the love of my life is married with kids.  Feeling everything in life is an empty shell without him and scared about the future alone at 33 with a child.  I know what its like to laugh at work then go home, shut myself away and cry into the small hours really feeling suicidal.  This cant be the answer tho.  I went to the docs, got anxiety tabs with a helping slighlty and am waiting for my councilling.  I am trying to go out everyday and be around family and friends even if I dont share with them the pain i am feeling inside because the alternative does not bear thinking about.  In a long time it will hurt less, like you will and maybe even be bearable & besides, u never know what is waiting around the corner.  I am sorry her feelings werent as deep as yours.  Maybe although it feels like she wa the one, truly she wasnt as u would always be torn between columbia and ur chid and making her happy when u are not happy in columbia.  Maybe she questioned your committment to her because you moved back here?  Who knows?  But please, please listen to me... approach your doctor now & get out of the house.  Be around people as many as you can as ofetn as you can to pass the next month or so.  Hopefully after that the pain should be a little more manageable when u have time to stand still and reflect.  You sound like  a wonderful man.  They tell me your out there, so know there are genuine girls looking for a man like you all their life.  Hope you cross paths with one of them as girls like us need guys like you.  Good luck x

Answer 18

Why haven't you sought out counseling / therapy? It is obvious you are in a deep depression. What concerns me is the lack of affection/Love expressed for your child, you are supposed to be a role model for that child and yet you barely mention the fact you have a child. You need to leave women and serious relationships alone for a couple of years...you were still in a marriage when you started getting serious with the girl in Columbia. You state how much you love her, she is the one for you and yet you couldn't or wouldn't get a divorce, you couldn't or wouldn't adjust to life in Columbia with the girl friend. You say your wife was cold, non affectionate, difficult etc well those are very similar to what the girl friend was accusing you of. Get some Help or you will be doomed to repeat your past behavior, and Please for the sake of your child, get involved in the child's life.

Answer 19

I know its extremely hard, especially when you genuinely feel that that person is the one for you, but remember that you have a child, and that he/she needs you over anything else on this planet.  Please, do not do something that will affect this child's life forever.

As for this woman, she clearly does not deserve you, and you must remember that you are still young and with a whole life in front of you.  Your are a very special person, with many qualities that any woman will be more than glad to have, so don't despair, and be patient.  Get in touch with friends, go out with your child and spend some time with the family.

If you really feel suicidal, get in touch with the Samaritans, they are able to help you with the way you feel, and you can even go to your GP so they can prescribe you with anti-depresants.

Please remember that even though this woman doesn't love you any more, there are lots of people who do, you just need to ask for help!

Cuidate mucho!

Answer 20

I am really,really sorry that you feel like this but you need to know that most people feel this unhappy and lost at some point in their life so you are not alone. You need to see a Doc to get some medication for your depression (no motivation and suicidal thoughts are classic symptoms), don't think that you can deal with this by yourself because you can't, and your child needs you to get better.

You are not a fool. You invested your heart in someone who wasn't worthy of it. If we conducted a straw poll on YA as to how many people that had happened to, we would have the most answers to one question. It is staggeringly painful to have someone you love and trust do this to you but you DO get over it.

You are young. I didn't meet my husband until I was your age, and the years since then have been the happiest of my life. Once you have spoken to your doctor and had some help with your depression, you can start picking up your life. get in touch with old friends, and take up an interest which will help you make new ones. The likelihood is that one of those friends is going to become the person who will love you forever. In the meantime take great care of yourself. You are precious to lots of people, particularly your child, but when life seems this bleak you are inclined to forget or deny how many people truly care about you.

Answer 21

Suicidal? You have a kid mate, you cannot take the easy way out. You don't want you kid to know that you were weak enough to kill yourself do you?  I have not met a woman I would kill myself for, I know I would give my life, if need be (To save my loved ones). There are a lot of other things to do in life than worry about a girl you met online. Go out to a pub and have a few beers with your mates, and they will tell you the same things I have here. Life is too short to throw away, you say that you are suicidal, instead of doing that, go and do something scary instead and see how much fun you have then. And by the way, meeting a woman online could have ended much worse, instead of getting dumped, If she was crazy, she could have chopped you into little pieces instead. Chin up mate. You'll be right.

Answer 22

Hi. This is just ridiculous! You feeling sorry for yourself on a daily basis for the past six months is just not realistic. GET UP. You can be sure that she is living her life and guess what, you need to do the same thing. If this was meant  to be, then it would be, simple as that. You are not meant to be and therefore let go. I know that I am sounding a bit harsh, but the reality to this is that you have a child. Your child should come first above everything and everyone, including yourself. If you kill yourself, it will not only be the dumbest thing that you could have done, but also the most SELFISH. Your child needs you man. You need to work hard to keep your job so that you can provide for your child. Are you really willing to let your child grow without a father (or  maybe your wife will get married and the step-father will be horrible) just for some odd woman that you thought you loved and you thought that she loved you. You are still young. If you really tried to make your marriage work and still it failed and your Colombian woman also failed, there is someone out there. You need to get up and go look for her or perhaps you should just try to clean yourself up and in the process she will come to you. A broken heart is unbearable, I know, but it is not the end of the world and it is not the end of YOU. I wish you the best, I really do.

Answer 23

Stop living in the past, get off your ar$e and get out there and start living man!! You can sit there and feel sorry for yourself for the next forty years or enjoy it,at the end of the day the love of your life obviously had her own agenda and you weren't the priority.So learn from it remember the good bits and move on my brother is 37 his girlfriend of the month is a skinny little 18 year old.It's a very big sea out there get fishing

Answer 24

I am 54 and just had a very bad deal from a guy i fell in love with .My heart aches all the time and i am so depressed that i cant do all the things i am meant to do and i feel like you do ....totally alone in this and suicidal though i laugh and joke at work but its all an act ...inside i am just dying.I thik we have to admit that these people were not for us really or they would not have hurt us like that.  

Answer 25

You say the girl u met on line is the love of your life. but but towards the end of your ? u say that your ex was the one for u. I think you still love your ex. take sometime off from dating. & don't date anyone on line.