Terribly depressed, cant get over being left and vey depressed, what do i do ?

Question

I am a man of 35, from UK. In early 2006 i met a colombian woman online ( through online dating). My marriage had broken down and this woman was really caring and loving. I went to see her and we were right for each other. She understood me etc whereas before my wife had always been difficult, cold and non affectionate and we were not right for each other. At the same time, it was difficult because i had a young child with my wife and i was feeling guilty that our marriage was breaking. My girlfriend understood the situation and was supportive. Anyway, i went to live in colombia on 3 ocassions but i found it difficult to settle there. In February 2008 i returned to the UK and i noticed my girlfriend had started to change, she was saying i wasnt in contact enough and she kept saying i had to change thingss abvout myself. Then, we argued and she didnt contact me. When i contacted her again in March 2008 she said she was tired of me and she didnt want me. I was devastated. I had invested alot of my feelings into her and i really love her. She said she didnt believe i loved her but really it felt like she was looking to blame many things on me. I then asked her if she had found someone else and she said " i like someone and he likes me, we are talking......im being cautious". I fell to pieces because i realised she was trying something else ( and maybe with someone she met online). I felt a fool. She didnt seem interested to talk more and i havent heard from her again. For me she was the love of my life and i am having massive problems coming to terms with it, even though 6 months have passed. Ive fallen into a big depession and feel totally lonely. My job is in trouble ( not because of this) and really i feel my life is over at 35 ! I struggle to get out of bed in the morning and i have no motivation. I cant stop thinking about her and not seeing beyond what we had together. Im convinced we would have ben together forever. I have never felt at such a dead end in my life before.

Answer 1

Hello there,

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a bad time of it.  Despite the fact that this may not be what you want to hear, I recommend going to a counselor with your wife and trying to work things out - after all you have a child with your wife.  If you have already exhausted this option, I still recommend speaking with a professional to help you with your depression.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I can only lend my opinion, you may benefit from professional help.

First off, I understand your situation, it is not unusual, it is much more common than you might imagine.  What you are feeling is natural for the circumstances, however you have to be realistic and come to terms about your situation.  It seems you are moving to quickly and focusing on the wrong things.  You must first seek closure to your marriage and come to terms with your relationship with your child, and how that will work in the future.  You are moving too fast, you have to figure out what you have become before you can move on to someone else.  You have to soul search my friend.  You may have depended too heavily on this new woman, who might I add you met online.  Not that it is a bad thing, but without constant verbal or face-to-face contact it is difficult to truly tell what kind of person she and vice-a-versa.  

Depression is fear.  I was depressed and couldn't figure out why.  Fear of being alone, fear of financial instability, fear of not being good enough - these are the battles you must fight.  As crazy as it might sound I had the same problems in  different ways and I solved it by not letting the fear control me.  You have to be willing to fail and get up and push forward.  Now I am content (i don't believe one can ever be "happy" for more than a moment).  Get out there and do things.  Volunteer, go skydiving, pick-up any hobbie that involves talking to people and gaining perspective.  But for goodness sake stop feeling sorry for yourself - it will not help!  

Warm Regards,  Abel

Answer 3

im sorry to hear this sad story, but i think we have all been heart broken at one time or another. the only healer is time and admitting that it was lovely to meet this special lady but that this time is over and there are other ladies around who could make you equally happy. i would suggest setting a goal of moving on and trying to meet other women be it online or in real life. i wish you luck

Answer 4

ALRIGHT THERE KIDDER, THERE IS A LIGHT.

I was depressed from the age of 15 (13 years in total) because of a chemical im-balance which wreaked havoc on love life, work etc in later life. I became a cocaine addict, an alcoholic and prescription drug addict. I eneded slashing my arms, trying commit suicide twice. Basically what I'm saying is there is a light but you won't believe me until you try it.

EXERCISE, YES EXERCISE. I have tried everything all my life and the only thing that has stopped me from going back on drugs or alcohol and keeps me positive in the lowest of times is exercise.

I went from all the above to where I am now, training to be a personal trainer so I can help people like me and you who without the prsecription drugs or anything else I'd do whilst down.

Try it mate please. Get your trainers on and go for a 20 minute jog by yourself.

Answer 5

First of all, you left her to go to Columbia, three times. You still have a wife, and won't divorce her, and actually you have left three women ( wife, Columbian woman, and girlfriend). Don't blame her if she feels that you don't love her.

Step one - What did you find in the Columbian woman, that your girlfriend was not giving you?

Step two - What is it that your girlfriend finds in the other man, that you are not giving her?

Step three - If you feel so much for your girlfriend, get a divorce, and present the document to your girlfriend. Sit down with your girlfriend (if you want to get back with her), and discuss steps one and two. If she yells, let her, but don't yell back. If talking won't help and she won't go to councelling with you, start anew. Either treat her like you first met her and were trying to impress her (dates, notes, etc)., or ask her if you can have  visitation rights with your child, and send her child support. Show her that you are an honest, caring man.

Answer 6

I believe the term depressed should be termed stuck in the past syndrome. U're so caught up in what u had that u actually get stuck in that time frame, hence u getting depressed. The human mind is about keeping things moving forward and as long as you keep indulging in getting this woman back, ur mind is not moving forward. It's like pressing the pause button on your life (and tha's why it's so hard for you to get up in the morning and continue moving forward).

Once u release that pause button by doing things like taking in the details of what's going on around you, actually going out to the mundane things like taking a walk, or just going to the park and watching what people are doing, will you retrain ur mind to keep moving forward and not get stuck in what happened.

It's like ur keeping ur mind in the past (by reminiscing about this woman and wishing u did different) instead of moving past it.

Don't u wanna see what else is waiting for you?? It might even be better than what u had. But u won't know until u move forward to receive it.

I hope that I helped.

Good Luck and

OneLove

T

Answer 7

Many people in your situation give there life over to Jesus, and pray.  Ask him to forgive your sins, and accept that He takes out of your life things that should not be there, because he love you  more than any woman ever could.  In this type of situation people often think: "Its my only hope; I will give Jesus a try, at least.  What choice have I got."