Terrified of childbirth, want to adopt?

Question

I have an overbearing fear of childbirth and pregnancy. There's nothing beautiful about it to me. It seems barbaric and self mutilating. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I'm the oldest of 6 and a preschool teacher.

My question is, do they give you a hard time about adopting if you're perfectly able to have kids? And how much does non international adoptions cost?

Answer 1

I have trouble with this question.  So, you want someone else to go through what you call "barbaric"  and "self-mutilating" for YOU.  Isn't that just a tad bit, uh, selfish?

Everyone fears childbirth.  It HURTS.  But hey they have ways to help with that now.  The beauty of childbirth is not the process....that is hard....the beauty is meeting the child that has grown inside you and holding her in your arms for the very first time.  The beauty is the product of all the anguish and hard work which, by the way, never ends.  The hard part is NOT the childbirth.  

I think you need to get some counseling on this.  Quite seriously.  Calling childbirth barbaric and self mutilating makes me thing you might have some issues to work through.  After you work this out you will be able to make an informed decision.  One not based on illogical fear.

Good luck to you.

ETA:  Saying "I'm afraid"  is one thing because it reflects your OWN feelings. That I understand and respect.  Saying childbirth is barbaric and self-mutilating is another because it expresses almost a disdain for those who give birth. I think this is very concerning considering we all got here this way.  Were our mothers  barbaric or self mutilating?  Your question almost sounds elitist.   I think that is what some of us are having trouble with.  

You may not have meant the question to have come off that way...but you did choose some pretty hateful terms. I'm just trying to give you a sense of why you are getting some of the responses you are.  I don't think anyone is trying to be mean.

Answer 2

I don't really know the answer, but, it seems to me, that if you want to adopt a child, you should be able to get one.  There are women everywhere that want children but don't want to go through the 9 months and childbirth.  There is nothing wrong with that idea.  Originally, adoption was for sterile parents, but now it is for women and men who want children, and can't have them, for whatever reasons.  As for your fear, maybe you should ask yourself where the fear actually comes from.  Have you actually observed childbirth, or are you going by what you have been told?   The experience is as different for each individual woman, as there are different snowflakes.  In my personal experience, I found that all the pain, discomfort, nausea, etc. were all worth what I gained in the end.  That little human in my arms made everything wonderful.  If I were able to do so, I would have had more children than what I did.  And this comes from a woman who was in hard labor for 48 hours with my first child at the age of 14.  Give your fears to God and go adopt a baby.  Don't worry about the things that don't matter.  Somewhere, out there, is a baby waiting for his/her new mommy.  GO FOR IT.  STOP WORRYING.  God loves you and so will your baby.

Answer 3

Of course you can adopt if you can have kids. Having infertility as a requirement would be like saving the kids for them alone and that would defeat the purpose of trying to give those kids better homes than what they had. However, wanting to adopt simply because you are afraid to have children isn't the best reason to do so. I understand your fear, I'm only planning to have one myself because I don't think I would want to go through it more than once. But by the language you used it sounds like you have an unnatural fear of this which I think you should address before having kids, whether yourself or by adoption. Your view on childbirth will affect your view of children and how you treat your little ones, whether you realize it or not.

Answer 4

so you want some women to do what you wouldn't want to do i think that a little selfish. i for adoption but not for self reason i think you should adopt to help a child

Answer 5

Why not get some therapy for your phobia?

Every child deserves a mentally healthy mother--adopted children are no exception.

Your fears are not a good reason to adopt a child.

Answer 6

No, you're wrong, everyone does not have an irrational fear.  Furthermore, people who do, usually have all sorts of other neurosis.  I suspect that this "overbearing fear" is just the tip of the iceberg for you, isn't it?  

This is not a good reason to adopt and nothing in your question indicates that you would be a good mother.  You  talk about nothing but yourself.  You, you, you.  You do sound incredibly selfish.

If you're so fearful of something as natural as being pregnant, how can you be expected to be strong enough to give all it takes to care for a child?  Children need a lot, but one of the things they don't need is a neurotic adoptive mother.  I think that any reputable agency would have serious misgivings about you adopting regardless of whether or not you are fertile.  Some people just shouldn't be parents.

Answer 7

One does not have to be infertile in order to adopt. Grant it there may be some agency's that will favor couples (person) with fertility   issues but that is not always the case.  

Ignore some of the rude comments. It’s not tearing apart any family when it’s done willing by the birthparents.   There are plenty of women who don’t want to give birth, yet still want to be a mommy.  Why shouldn’t they be able adopt one or more of the many kids that do need to be adopted.  There are some who want to live in a fantasy world where a child would always have a biological family member(s) willing or able to take them in. Where birthparents or natural family members are always the best place for the child.  Or birthparents are always coerced into placing their birthchild.  

Costs vary depending on what type of adoption one does; generally the highest costs are international and private adoption. The cheapest (and sometimes free) is generally adopting through the foster care system or the Fos to adopt program. You should go to adoption.com as they have more information about all the types of adoption

Answer 8

They arent worried if you are able to have kids or not. Whats most important is that you love and nuture the child. If you check with your local county, its cheaper. I live in CA and they have a way for you to adopt and its free. You just have to take classes and you can even be single, it dosent matter. So check with your local county and see if they offer the same. GL

Answer 9

i have no idea how much it would cost, but i don't think it matters if you can have kid to adopt one. but a little note child birth is not that bad. I am 23 with 4 children also married.

Answer 10

Has it occured to anyone posting here that MAYBE she also realizes how overpopluated the world is, and would rather help a child than contribute to the problem?

Answer 11

Some adoption agencies only work with infertile couples (I looked into a church-based agency and that was their policy).  Other agencies don't have that requirement.  So, you may have to "shop around" for agencies.  You will probably be asked about why you don't wish to have biological children.

There is a huge variation in costs and requirements for international adoption.  Each country has its own policies on what criteria the adoptive parents must meet.  Some do require infertility, other's do not.  Likewise, country programs also have huge variety in the cost of the process.  The fees change regularly, so you'll need to do research.  

Also, please do your research and find a licensed and ethical international agency with a good reputation.  Just because an agency has their doors open, does NOT mean it is licensed.  Check references, look at financial statements, look at their policies and procedures.  International adoption can be done ethically and legally, but there are a lot of nefarious practices out there and it really falls on the adoptive parents to be sure everything is above-board.  Fortunately, with much more education and attention on international adoptions, it's getting harder for illegal things to slip past.

Good luck.

Answer 12

Wow!  You do not want to be subjected to the barbarism and self mutilation of giving birth, but think it's perfectly okay to have another woman suffer the "indignity" of childbirth and pregnancy and THEN on top of that the grief of having you take her baby??  Wow!

Please get some education about what you are asking another woman to suffer for you:

http://www.thegirlswhowentaway.com/

Please get some education about what you are asking of an infant:

http://www.nancyverrier.com/

Please get some therapy to understand why you think it is okay for someone else to be used barbarically (your word) to serve your needs.

Answer 13

If you adopt from the foster care system, I don't see a problem with that.  Please understand though, that even in adopting from the foster care system, you should be willing to include your child's biological family whenever possible.  Obviously as long as it is safe mentally and physically to do so.

Being terrified of childbirth, well, I think that people are having a hard time with that because it seems like such a selfish reason to adopt.  A LOT of people are scared to go through childbirth, but still do it because they want a baby.  Other than children who are removed from their parents legally, and removed because they were being harmed in any way, there is not much real need for adoption in the US today.   Which is why many people on here get defensive when someone, who is perfectly capable of having children, says she/he wants to adopt for fairly selfish reasons.

You need to really search your own heart for what is the best path to take regarding this manner.  Adoption is NOT easy, is not the easy way to having a child, and you need to be prepared for other people (your children's biological relatives) to come into your life.  You need to understand that in order for your child (adoptive) to feel like a whole person, she/he will need to have some connection with their biological family, and you as their parent are going to have arrange that.  It will be in your best interest to arrange some contact with the biological family, even if it doesn't feel that way at first.

Good luck.

Answer 14

To answer your question, which is the intent of this site, there are many agencies that will work with adoptive parents without fertility issues.  

They will, however, want you to have fully explored your  reasons for adoption, i.e. your fear of childbirth.  There is nothing wrong with this fear --  it is real and obviously very intense to you.   I would work with this issue with a therapist before you decide to proceed to adopt.  Then if you have resolved the issue to the best of your ability, then proceed with adoption.

And, please don't listen to the Abolishioners who are desperately trying to abolish adoption by guilting anyone who wants to adopt or feels o.k. about being adopted -- People who adopt are not the "cause" of adoption -- Women who  cannot or choose not to parent their own children are.  This is not a judgment, just a fact.  I honor women who know they cannot parent.  Perhaps if more women and men made this decision for their children when they were born, we wouldn't have 900,000 children in foster care. People who adopt are simply picking up the need where another parent left off.  And it is certainly not in children's best interest to abolish adoption and go back to a time when adoption was not so prevalent.  Children were then warehoused in orphanages.  Who would argue that this is better than adoption?

Answer 15

I don't know if being terrified of childbirth is a good reason to adopt.  Before you go the route of adoption, I would suggest talking to a couple doulas and midwifes, just so you have a better idea of what delivery and labour involved.

Anyways, if you did decide to adopt, I think it depends on your state/country and whether you want a newborn or an older child.  If you want an older child, the cost is generally under 5000, and sometimes they even pay you.  

Don't listen to all this stuff about "tearing families apart" etc etc.  I am an adult adoptee, and I wouldn't change it for the world.  I love my family, respect my birthmom (haven't met her so I don't know if I love her), and enjoy my life.

Answer 16

I completely agree with you on that. I have this fear too.

I'm not sure how much it would cost or the process, sorry I know I'm not answering your question, but I just had to let you know I think it's great what your doing and don't listen to some of these other people on here. =]

Good luck!

Answer 17

I just wanted to say that the people who are thinking that this woman is selfish for wanting to adopt are really...amazingly harsh to me.  There are several reasons for people to want to adopt and I'm sure this lady would be a wonderful mother.  I'm  sure her fear wouldn't disqualify her from adopting; she seems like someone with a lot of love to give, who wants children but can't have them and I don't see how this is any different from being physically unable to have kids.  And her mindset isn't this:

"Oh my god, I just haaaave to have kids; it's all the rage!  But I don't want to get stretch marks so I'll just steal another woman's child."   Now this would be self-centered, if it were true.  But it's not.  This is what I'm hearing:

"I'm scared of having kids (and a lot of bad things CAN happen) so I'm thinking of giving all my love to a kid who would give everything just to have a loving home and mother."  How is that self-centered?  

Here are some answers for the asker that I have found through years of research.  (Hey, I want to adopt sometime in my life too; kids deserve to be wanted, to belong, and to be loved).  As long as you're married for a certain amount of time with no crime record you're a perfect candidate for adoption.    Now if you're single that' another story; agencies prefer to give the child a normal family life.  Different agencies and states have different requirements so I recommend looking up the rules and laws of your state's foster care programs or even doing an internet search for adoption agencies.

Some sites are made just for mothers who are pregnant and are looking for a couple to adopt their child.  You can also research these and see if that might be the thing for you.  To me, it looked like a longer, more frustrating wait.  But I also like the fact that you could get to know the birth mother and have the chance to involve her in the child's life.  But again, that's just what I found appealing.  It's really up to you.

Then there's the international adopting.  There are strict rules and guidelines to this.  Another internet search should bring up some agencies and they should have a Q&A section that should answer most of your questions, including the cost.  I personally didn't feel like it was cheaper and there's a lot more opportunities for you to be scammed/disappointed with this procedure.  But there are also a lot of great stories that go along with it as well.

Again, Ma'am, I am sorry that you were put down because of this question.  Good luck on your search and I hope you can be a mother soon!

Answer 18

Your ability or inability to conceive usually has nothing to do with whether you want to adopt or not. Hence the reason why you see parents who have several biological children, but also several adopted children (or an adopted child or two.) There are several women who are able to give birth, but simply want to adopt instead. They don't hold anything against you at all.

My husband and his ex-wife (whom, might I add, was perfectly fertile and had already given birth to two children prior) adopted two boys over 10 years ago and the process was fairly easy. They started off as foster parents and worked solely as foster parents for several years. It was a demanding "job," but they also really enjoyed it. When the two boys were placed with them, they knew instantly that they wanted to adopt them. According to my husband the adoption process wasn't very difficult, nor pricey. I've never asked him how much it cost, but I know he never complained about it and never said it cost much, so I'm led to believe that it was very affordable.

Perhaps looking into being a foster parent might get your foot in the door? Or the least you can do is speak to an adoption agency and get more information. There are so many children that are looking to be adopted that I'm sure they'd be willing to work with you.

Ps. Might I also add that I don't ever want to become pregnant either! If I were to ever become a mother, I would want to adopt, as well.

Answer 19

Please don't take this the wrong way, but that's the dumbest reason I've ever heard of for wanting to adopt.  

Adoption isn't about YOU and YOUR fears, it's about a child that needs a parent that wants him/her for the RIGHT reasons, not because they're afraid.  

Adoption should not ever be seen as a solution for a psychological problem.  Adoptees are not pets.  We are human beings and we aren't a band-aid or next-best solution for somebody's phobia.

Answer 20

alot of requiremenst is either you or our husband have to be infertile to adopt.  Most places you have to be married. And international is $16,000 and up up up

Answer 21

I don't think you will be given a hard time about adopting even if you're able to have "your own." Like you, I have no interest in being pregnant or going through childbirth - nothing seems "natural" to me about "natural birthing." I don't want to sacrifice my body when there are other ways to be a mother! If my husband could carry/birth our child(ren) then I would want lots of kids - "our own" even! But until then... :)