The Cardigan is a wondrous thing, No?

Question

I sport a Cardigan. A Peter Scott Lambswool.

Classy, plain Navy Blue with fake Tortoise Shell Buttons.

Yet, I keep finding things like Biscuits, Victory V's, Humbugs, broken match heads, bit's of tissue, balls of fluff and so on.

The other day, I had a rummage and felt something most strange, soft yet firm, almost pulsing with a life of it's own. Ah! Yes, I remembered I had placed a Papa New Guinean Midget in there as a present for my Wife.

Just like Willy Wonka and his Oompa Bulbheads, or whatever they are called.

I had purchased one of these little Rascals from the Amazon.

And there he is now, standing in the corner of my room like a proud little Soldier.

In all his little Warrior's attire, and his bottom lip stretched outwards to the size of a Starter Platter. He cuts a Noble figure indeed.

My Wife is enthralled and won't leave the room unless she gives him a little cuddle and such. Bless.

Question is mind, whilst drinking Brandies, and smoking Havana Cigars I used him as an Ashtray. Now whenever I watch the Telly, he looks at me with a Murderous intent, and fair gives me the shivers. How can I appease the angry little Turdlepop?

I've tried flicking some sweet Meats his way, and even offered a smashing little Spiderman Outfit. Yet to no avail. If this isn't sorted out soon, he could end up being relegated to the Hall way.

Answer 1

Sadly I thinketh he must be relegated to the hallway. I wouldn't want him continually looking at me with that glare.

Answer 2

Indeed, splendid thing, all buttony up and cosy! Try rubbing him down with Comfry salts and applying oil of clove to his earlobes. They like that as I recall Gram Papa's little fellow on the mantle place of the big house in Cumberland. Seemed to to stop him from biting the servants at any rate. If that fails you there's always the winter garden to take the chop out of him. Ta Ta for now, see you at the fox hunt, eh what!

Answer 3

Saddo.

Answer 4

There is obviously some kind of mutual attraction between him, and your good Lady Wife. The Ashtray incident just made him resent you even more. These "New World Fuzzy Wuzzys" can be tricky little b******s, what with their poison dart blowpipes, and strange stimulant drugs.

A Detective acqaintance of mine from Baker St, had a spot of bother with one of these "Noble Savages" some time ago, and it almost cost him his life. Don't underestimate the depths these depraved little monkeys will stoop to, to get what they want, in this case, Carnal relations with the Lady of the House. Maybe you should set aside one morning, or afternoon a week, when they could indulge themselves, just to promote  more harmonious  domestic relations. Pick a time when you yourself are out Whoring, or even better, you could "lend him out" to your sexually depraved next door nieghbour, who obviously has the "glad eye" for you, thereby killing two birds with one stone.

If all else fails,by all means relegate him to the Hallway, but make sure he doesn't frighten the servants, or you may have a full scale "Peasants Revolt" in your household.

It would be a shame to have to get rid of the little fella completely, such a coversation piece is hard to come by in these dark days of "Political Correctness" .

Anyway, VG, good luck, and keep me posted, as I'm curious as to how this whole "Horny Midget, Pervy Nieghbour" scenario pans out.

Have to sign off now, here comes my Chamber maid, with my Cocaine e***a. (I do love Thusday afternoons)

Toodle Pip,old Fruit. KK.  

Answer 5

Whatever

Answer 6

Have you tried giving him a few lashings? Just to show him who is boss?