The Glass Image - What do you think?

Question

I was just looking for some honest feedback about a poem I wrote about 2 years ago. It came to me an instant, and it's the only poem of mine that I have really loved. I just wanted to know what others thought of it.

"The Glass Image"

The melodramatic feeling

of nothing

unconcerning,

unlike the soul.

I wish to one day

that dreams

will not fade,

but imprint

into the back

of my mind.

So eccentric

are she,

but not acknowledged

is her.

I am yet

to hang from

up there

or to

immerse.

So look

for all those times

you didn't,

as I gasp

for air.

So choke

on unspoken words

and watch

the raw edges

of that hole

in my heart

never heal.

She waits

for her soul

to be stolen

and her body

to be thrown

in the abyss

of invisibility.

Or is she

already there?

Answer 1

Extraordinary! Being able to express yourself through writing isn't difficult, what's difficult is when you decide to become an actual writer and set yourself apart from the others. Anyone can put some words on paper and even make it rhyme, but can you take a person away with what you write? Can you pull a person from where they are into your world with your words and make them feel what you feel? I felt what you felt here, you put my mind in that place and I really enjoyed what you wrote and strongly feel you should keep writing.

Answer 2

I enjoyed it, but it lacked fluidity! It was difficult to read having to jump down lines like that when it could have been written with almost sentences, maybe you will reconsider your syntax structure?