The Line - please read, any pointers?

Question

Perfection,

The “right” way for everyone to be

But with such variation

Whose plan will the world see?

And if this worlds so perfect

Then why are we here?

All we seem to do is break

And clog up the unclear.

So who are we then?

We’re not animals to be bred,

We have trust we have feelings

We have lives to be led.

How can we be so perfect?

Is there really such a thing?

Not tall but not small,

Not fat but not thin.

Just right in the middle,

You know, bang on that line.

One slip and you’re dead

Cos the cut is so fine.

We’ve got so good at breaking

It’s controlling our minds,

But it’s now gone too far

And we’re cutting it too fine.

The heart is too fragile

To even be mislead,

One fracture time’s up

It just can’t be repaired.

With our numbers increasing

With more points of view,

We can’t stop our addiction

Of snapping in two.

With our futures ahead

But still never seen,

It becomes yet more dangerous

To wipe shadows clean.

But what is this danger,

What risk won’t we take?

It looms in the air

Like a fatal mistake.

And d’you know what, it is

But there’s some who can see

That the cost of their actions

Clogs up the unclean.

We bully for protection

For space on the line,

But not everyone fits

There are some left behind.

They are ditched for imperfection

But recently I thought,

No one can just be perfect

Our world wouldn’t work.

There is a solution

And it won’t take much time.

To put everyone together

Just draw a longer line…

Answer 1

^ well that was a little rude^

this reminds me of where my poetry was 7 years ago, it's where you're still learning to flow and how words work together. the theme is universal and i get exactly what you're trying to say, but poetry allows you to be more vauge. it's my favorite thing about it. the challenge is cutting out all the bits you don't need. i like that you used some repetition. :) while she was very rude and not at all constructive about it the first responder has a point, imagery is key. if you have a thesaurus use it, all the time, if you don't have one, get one. i love mine! :)

please don't be discouraged! keep writing and thank you for sharing!

Answer 2

awful, try using imagery, thats what poets use, just a tip if you ever want to be any good