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The Orange Rose of Andunin? Do you like this part of my work? Please read!?

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I wrote a story, i know, people answered to the title of the book...the one where the girl is trying to figure out where she got these wicked awesome powers...it's like fiction..like lord of the rings or something like that...anyway, the girl is having a dream she is back in her hometown, of Crillonia in the country of Mildon

"Areyon walked up the small hill, called Willow's Moss, her feet squooshing in the deep green, moist moss, the willows weeping to the ground around her. Mikal smiled from the opposite side and joined Areyon near the small dirt road on the foothills of Willow's Moss. The two laughed and chatted on their walk to Crillonia's main market places.

They munched on some crispy fresh apples as the girls looked through each market stand. Areyon soon found herself wandering into Calvob's stand. He flashed the silly smile he always did, but soon it disappeared...why? Was it because he knew Areyon could not take what he offered to her? His love in to her and marriage?

Dark gray overturned the baby blue sky. No one smiled at Areyon as usual, but instead, they walked away, ignoring her, running into their houses and locking the windows and doors. Even Mikal, Uncle Lobenny, Aunt Milane, and her own cousin Lumi! She was left alone in the town circle. The sky was turning red and a great black hurricane was coming right over the mountains! Suddenly, a wave of nausea hit Areyon. She began to feel more sick, as the cloud came closer to her. A foul shriek filled the air in a very hight keyed tone, like someone scraping their fingernails against a chalkboard filled Areyon's ears. Soon, she was within a dark abyss. Her hands clutched her ears as she fell to the cobblestone shrieking in complete utter horror. Areyon's head stung from the noise and she became sick as the darkness swallowed her whole.

A figure appeared to her, glowing a pale eerie color. It was a female and wore a black dress with red and orange words written on a black belt. Her hair was long, greasy, and jet black. Her skin appeared a faded, pale green color. She smelled like burning hair and her eyes were a piercing gray. The woman held a black staff with fire burning the top.

Areyon stood up, her hair blowing in the wind that had appeared with the ill figure. The woman grabbed Areyon's neck and cast her to the cobblestone like a rag doll. She took her staff and pressed the burning fire to Areyons shoulder. Areyon tried to fight back, screaming in horror. She tossed aside the woman's staff, but the woman took one of her 4 inch long fingernails, and thrust it into the burnt spot on Areyon's shoulder. Suddenly, ugliness went over Areyon. Her dirty blond hair turned a lifeless brown color, her stormy green/blue eyes turned a dull gray, and her skin became as the ugly woman's skin. Areyon felt the need rise in her to kill all good, living things, and at the same time, the woman disappeared.

The sky was gray and all grass was burnt. Areyon tried to imagine flowers, green grass, and clear, blue sky again..and it was there! Her tattered clothes, and herself, became beautiful and lovely again, and kindness filled her heart.

Areyon walked back to her home and happily walked through the door, to find a bloody mass of Lobenny, Milane, Lumi, and Mikal! She fell on the floor crying until it hurt, and the woman stood before her. The strange woman, held a fiery orange rose. The sight of the rose, made all pain, happen all over again. Areyon's shoulder burned, and she wailed in agony, clutching her arm, she fainted....

Brego, the dog, licked her face,"Are you ok? You just screamed!" "I had a nightmare...a woman..black dress..black hair, and gray eyes..very green skin..she had a staff that was on fire..and she pierced me with it! Then, she had a long fingernail, and stabbed me with it. She killed my family..she had an orange rose...pain seized me again in the dream..and i fainted.."

"The Rose of Andunin!" Brego whispered. "The woman in your dream was Nyeble..I have seen her too many times.." "Nyeble? Master evil witch?" "yes..the orange rose..few people have one..they're very rare. Very rare indeed. They're found atop the mountain of Andunin, where Nyeble and Junaboh's fortress is occupied. Nyeble only pierces those who are a great threat to her. Then, when they see the rose, they break down..now, if you have an orange rose, it will protect you from Nyeble." "I have never seen Nyeble in my life!" Areyon argued. "The dream was sent to you by Nyeble herself. Your powers must be greater than you think." "All i can do, is talk to any living thing..." "No, you can wield the power of Alina Amma..and overthrow Nyeble with those powers!" the wise dog announced....

did you like it? Tell me!

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3 ANSWERS


  1. I like the story but feel that you have put too much information in too short a span.  It sort of confused me which I suppose dreams have a tendency to do but it is easy to see where you are going.  And if the orange rose has bad mystical powers shouldn't another color be the anti bad stuff.

    I'll probably be back to see how this progresses.  Ideally depending on how long or short you make the entire story you can spread out some of that pertinent information better.  You start off with a nice pace taking your time and really seeing the scene and setting but toward the end you seem a bit rushed.  I mean the pain she feels from the fingernail in the burn, let that roll over your readers head in greater detail.  Explain the desolation she is seeing a little more and perhaps give the reader time to really see her agony over the lost family before reminding us that it is a dream and what it means and how she can stop it.

    And are the people running from her or the impending storm?  Does the storm have a particular energy that she alone doesn't recognize because she has never experienced such malice?

    (Okay so I'm really into this type stuff)

    J...


  2. Yeah, nice detail! I like Areyon! You will have to send me the story when its finished! I love it. Mystical and exciting!

  3. I think you are on the right track to creating a good story.  It feels like you are trying to rush the story along though.  It needs more detail and more development.  And editing... I cannot stress the importance of it enough.  

    I will give you the first sentence improved and edited.



    Areyon walked up the small hill known as Willow's Moss.  The moist greenery squished under her bare feet and the willows' branches were weeping to the ground creating a wall of vines around her.

    Hope this helps!!

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