The adoptees that are unhappy with life...?

Question

would you have rather not known that you were adopted? or would it not have made a difference?

Answer 1

I think they should be told. What if you adopted a child and let's say his/her biological parent came knocking at your front door looking for them what will you do. Do you think your child will want to trust you again?

Answer 2

I have always known and have had a very honest upbringing. I think personally for me, It would have been better knowing as I did. I think its in the best interests of the child, to know as much as they possibly can about their roots. Honesty is one of the best things that an AP can give their child. Adoptees have a right to know, have a right to be curious and have a right to ask questions. Its apart of who we are. I feel content now that I know more about where I came from. Its better that way.

Answer 3

Lies do not = happiness.

This is a media savvy world we live in, which makes it almost impossible to keep secrets.

As painful as the truth may be, it is the truth and should be dealth with.

Hiding never helped anyone.

Answer 4

Most of the adoptees I know that come here regularly - aren't 'unhappy' with 'life'.

In real life - they're the funniest, wittiest & most intelligent people I know.

They all have great and loving families.

They have all had great jobs.

Most own their own homes.

And they are THE best detectives that I've ever known.

You need to read deeper into what these adoptees have to say - to see what they're really talking about.

Most of what they say is to protect more adoptees in the future - and reach out to those that need to know they are not alone.

They're mostly unhappy with how adoption is currently practiced in the USA today.

They're mostly unhappy with not being able to have their original birth certificate - no matter how old they are - as they are sealed forever for ridiculous reasons.

They're mostly unhappy with people telling them that they should be grateful for being adopted - and not aborted. (although I'm sure this is quite crazy - as normal kids aren't told these things on such a regular basis)

They're mostly unhappy with the way adoption agencies are too quick to take babies off mothers - because there is money to be made from getting those babies - instead of helping and encouraging mothers to parent.

They're mostly unhappy with the lies that they have been told their whole lives about what an adoptee should feel.

They're mostly unhappy when people tell them who they should be loyal to - when really - most want to love all their families - and hope to be loved the same way in return.

They're mostly unhappy because too many adoptions take place to benefit adults - and not the children.

They're mostly unhappy - because too many have no idea how it feels to be adopted - and sadly too many have no interests to even find out how that might feel.

Adoption should have no lies.

For adoption to happen - one child is taken from one family - and then placed (usually) in a completely different genetic family - usually with absolutely NO ties.

The adoptee needs to know ALL their truth.

An adoptee has 2 sets of parents (sometimes more) - and they should be allowed to know ALL personally - if at all possible.

It's best for the adoptee's sense of self - and self worth.

Genetics is a big part of all of us - and if we don't live around any that look or act like our genetics tells us too - we feel out of place.

More truth in adoption - say it like it is - and an adoptee will be much more emotionally stable as they go through life.

Answer 5

I discovered that I was adopted when I was thirteen while I was snooping through files and found my own adoption papers.  For about six months after I had found my own adoption papers, I wished that I hadn't discovered that I was adopted, considering the way that I had.  It's been nearly two years now since I discovered that I was adopted, and I'm glad that I know.  The way I see it, I'm better off discovering late than not discovering at all.  I plan on adopting a child someday, and when I do, I plan on telling him/her that he/she was adopted as soon as possible.

  I've had those moments when I've felt that I was unwanted, and when the child that I plan on adopting has those moments, I'll tell him/her that if he/she was unwanted, he/she wouldn't have been adopted because that's what I wanted to hear when I had those moments.  So, to answer, your question, I would MUCH rather know that I was adopted than be completely oblivious my entire life.  It's bad enough that I was completely oblivious the first thirteen years of my life!  I also would've MUCH rather been told that I was adopted as soon as possible!  It's best to discover and to discover at an early age!

Answer 6

No, absolutely not.  Let me say that agin:  NO.  Hiding the truth will only add secrets, deceipt, and betrayl to the mixture.

Answer 7

you're not listening.  adoptee's are not all generally unhappy.  we are unhappy with current adoption practices.

Answer 8

The truth always comes out. This is a silly question.

Answer 9

i am adopted myself, and was told as a child, cannot remember at what age though.

i am very happy i was told. for my wole life i would've guessed it anyway. i look nothing like either of my parents and have never felt any kind of connection with them lke a child should with their parents. the parents that adopted me will always be my parents as they are the ones who have brought me up, but i would also love to find my birth parents.

Answer 10

I don't think of myself as unhappy with life.  I am, however, unhappy with adoption.  

I would have known something was "off" even if I hadn't been told what.  And when I found out (which I would have eventually because of medical issues), I don't know if I ever would have been able to forgive my adoptive parents for lying to me.  They were honest with me, which I appreciate.  Any other approach is unethical and a violation of the trust that all parents have been given.  

Many of the problems that adoptees have come from the separation from the first mother, not from being told about their adoption.

Answer 11

I am not adopted, but if I was I would definitely want to know.  I like the idea of being chosen, and coming from the parents hearts.  I would definitely like to adopt one day, and I would tell the child -time appropriately of course- that he/she was adopted.  In international adoption (i.e. a Caucasian couple adopting from a Chinese adoption agency) may be very apparent, so in those cases you will have to tell your child.  

As long as the child is raised in a good environment, it should not mater where the child was biologically conceived/born.  I think it is imperative for the adoptive parents to keep an open line of communication with their adopted child -or any child for that mater- and to let them know, that yes they are adopted, but the love is not any less.  

Sometimes I wish I was adopted, because then it would all make sense :)

Answer 12

No way!  Are you insane

I know several adoptees who were never told and I can tell you, when they found out the truth (as they always do) they were far from happy about it!

Google late discovery adoptee and see what they have to say about the lies and deceit

Answer 13

That's about the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Your proctologist called, he found your head.

Answer 14

Secrets and lies are never a good thing.

Answer 15

i am glad i knew eventually people will find out if they are adopted it is better to know from the start i knew i was adopted and i am happy with my life yet sometimes feel a sense of abandonment

Answer 16

I'm so happy my mom told me i was adopted because my friend just found out a week ago from the biological mother and hes hella messed up

Answer 17

Well, first off, I wouldn't say that I'm unhappy with life, I have good things in my life that I am happy about.  I am unhappy with being adopted.  Being adopted is painful.  Would not knowing make it not painful?  I'm not sure I can answer that, since I was always told from a young age, but not knowing is not the same as not being adopted.  

I think I would have known something was off, but never would have been able to put my finger on what is was.  Since I don't look like my family, don't have anything in common with them as far as personality, interests, talents, etc., I would have felt very much like a fish out of water with no explanation why.  

I think that might have been worse.  I have a feeling I would have still been in a lot of pain, but wouldn't have known why.  So, no, as painful as knowing that I'm adopted is, I think not knowing would be worse.

Answer 18

I don't think most adoptees are unhappy people, or unhappy about adoption.  We are sad because some of us don't understand how our birth mother could relinquish.  The truth is always the best, however.

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TO:  "FREEDOM":

Thank you for sharing the most honest and humbling account of relinquishment I have read on this site.  Your words were  touching and moving.  I have heard these words, almost verbatim, from many many birthmothers over the twenty years I have been working in adoption.  Hopefully, many here will be able to take your words into their hearts to understand what some birthmothers truly think and feel.

Answer 19

I guess I shouldn't be answering this cause I'm on the "other" side. I gave my daughter to a fine couple 31 years ago. As I start to write, alreadt I can barely see the keyboard. If only she knew how much I still love her. Oh God how I love my baby.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life. Oh, I wanted her more than anything on this earth. And, there are several reasons why women choose to do this.I had gone thru a divorce and had a son 3 yrs. old I was in my 2nd marriage and he was a psycho who abused me and even kicked me in the stomach when I was 3months pregnant with my daughter.

I'm trying to make my point quickly. It wasn't the money that made me give her up. I believe when you really love someone you can make a way. Whn I was praying for God to give me an answer as to what I should do, I fell into a dream that night and I drempt that my little boy ran in the door with his father laughing and yelling about what what a good time he had and I saw "her" the same age, standing in the background with tears rolling down her cheeks.

When I woke up it was plain to me what I had to do. My x in-laws would have never treated her equally as my son and knowing them the way I did, I knew it was true! I couldn't bare for her to grow up being continually left out or be treated less than because she had no father of her own, ( he had left after kicking me and I never saw him again). I couldn't put her thru all that pain. I wanted her to have a fresh new start with 2 loving parents. But god it was killing me. Part of me wanted to be selfish and keep her because I loved her, and part of me had to let her go cause I loved her more. It's so hard to explain. But I still love her and I would die just to see her 1 time. I still cry. This is one mom that did what was best for her, because if I did what I wanted I would have kept my precious baby. Wherever you are angel, I will always love you deeper than you can even imagine!

Answer 20

I'm adopted AND I Hate IT! i was always told i was adopted since i was 6-when i was adopted-(but i had been living with my mum and dad (eg) Aunt ND uncle since i was 3 months because social services took me away because my birth parents didn't look after me. i only recently found out i was adopted by my mums sister (doesn't sound that bad but my "mum"(aunt) left me with my dad after they divorced when i was 5 after he told me she was "sick" (i dint believe this) My mum burn down my family house now we live in secret.I cant tell my dads name because he thinks my mums going to kill him because she said she would hunt him down.Hes lied to me ABOUT everything! Ever since i found out i was adopted-mostly all my life- i feel i cant tell people because ppl teat me differently ppl dont accept adopted ppl -where I'm from- anyway- and thrers more to all this 2 shorten it Ive suffered from abuse,death,homos,g**s,flames,LIES,death... hit by family and assaulted ,being laughed at all because Ppl wont accept ppl fro the way they act not there past. im now depressed,sucidal,self harm,axnity,cut ect.. All this started from when i found out the truth! I WISH NO ONE TOLD ME THEN i could live my life pretenting it was all ok , if i was adopted and was never told i would think i was normal becasue when you find out about the truth about just a part of you life then EVERYTHING else follows then ppl lie 2 cover it up!

Answer 21

I don't think the "positives" that an adoptee would get from not having to deal with their losses are worth it when you consider the intense pain that late-finding adoptees have to go through, not to mention that it's really such an intensely personal violation to keep a person's own history, truth, ancestry, etc. from them.  I'm assuming of course that the adoptee would find out one day anyway, one way or another, whether it's via drunk Uncle Lou at Christmas, or the lawyer after Mom and Dad passed away.