The definitions of fidelity and infidelity?

Question

Background:

I have been married for 14 years and have experienced an imbalance in sexual desire. She doesn't like being touched or held (non-sexually) and rarely initiates physical touch or sexual intimacy. We made love about twice per month. I admit that I have a higher drive, but recently through counseling and therapy, I am placing emotional intimacy as a focus and attempting to connect with the woman I truly love on a level that is not driven along by s*x.

During years 3-8 of marriage, I thought my wife's lack of desire was related to pregnancy and the tiredness that comes from raising small children. Over the years, I withdrew, became depress, felt rejected and justified to myself going outside of my marriage for s*x. I am not going to make excuses for my devastating behavior, but these are real things that I felt and my life was a painful mess. I am not looking for sympathy and I know there are those readers who will stereotype me as another cheater (as I truly am).

Over a year ago, my life crumbled as the secrets, regrets, shame, and lies I had withheld crushed me. I confessed to her what I had done. This was freeing for me, but devastating for her. I am in intense counseling and actively reading and working on my personal issues. Although technically still married, our marriage is broken/ended and will never be the same as the breach of trust may not be prepared. She has not left me and I have been faithful during the past year and have hope for the future that we will be able to rebuild something between us.

Now here is/are my question(s):

It is infidelity that I went outside of marriage for s*x, however isn't it also infidelity when your partner emotionally and physically isolates herself and rebuffs attempts for all types of intimacy?

It was my perceived rejection that I acted upon to justify my infidelity. I have admitted and accepted the wrong of my actions.

However, it burns within me the question "Am I the only responsible one to this tragedy?" Is it OK for my wife to say, "I love you", but completely withhold herself from me physically and emotionally? I try not to dwell on this and become resentful or to disavow my responsibility.

A very small number of people (trusted family and friends) know about my actions, however I have purposely not said anything about the relationship's lack of physical and emotional intimacy. I don't know if it would matter anyways.

Answer 1

don't cheat, jerkoff. seriously.

no excuse.

Answer 2

I am one of the few that will agree with you here. So many times women cut off men after marriage thinking that they have that right. They forget that men marry and choose one woman believing that that one woman will be their sexual partner as well as a partner in other ways. If a man says I will marry you and have s*x with only you, its assumed that the woman will uphold her end of the bargain. If you buy the cow and it stops giving milk for no good reason other than it just doesn't want to...then you have a right to get a new cow. Women don't realize that men need that connection with their woman. If women were rejected as many times as we do that to men we would slit our wrists. So do I condone what you did...no. Do i understand it...yes. She needs to do some changing as well if she really wants this marriage to work.  

Answer 3

The fact is you went outside the marriage instead of confronting your wife prior to cheating.  What you did was satisfy YOUR immediate problem in your way. That did not make you happy all day and save your marriage.   Only you and your wife really know what occurred in your marriage to have it come to this.  Perhaps you would have come to the conclusion of divorce or counseling before you chested, if you had taken the bull by the horns when the problems commenced.    

Answer 4

i understand what u are saying. first of all it would never be her FAULT for your actions, but at the same time u are right. she wasn't filling a need of yours in a major way. i know the two of u probably discussed it throughout your marriage before u ended up cheating and everything, BUT did she understand fully what not being intimate was doing to u? if she really loved u she would have listened clearer to your cries for her intimacy and love and yes, u probably wouldn't have strayed. i know it's really easy too look for something or someone else to blame for your life falling to pieces, but to be honest with u only YOU are responsible for the consequences of your ACTIONS. there were better ways to handle your marriage problems. i mean u can admit and accept the wrong of your actions, but your wife dosn't have to forgive u if she feels betrayed.

hope it all works out. women can be forgiving if u really show u care.

Answer 5

A very interesting posting and extremely well articulated.

“isn't it also infidelity when your partner emotionally and physically isolates herself and rebuffs attempts for all types of intimacy?”

No I would not agree with that.  What you are describing is a lack of emotional fidelity within the marriage.  This does not equate to infidelity.  The difference is that for there to be a presence of emotional infidelity it would mean your wife would have to emotionally (without the s*x) be involved with someone else.  In your case your wife was not.  Instead she withdrew herself from you emotionally.

Presently there is no emotional intimacy and where there is no emotional intimacy it is unlikely that there will be physical intimacy.

However, some might say that because your wife wasn’t the one who strayed from the marriage and had a physical affair that she has remained loyal to you and is not guilty of marital infidelity.   But is she in fact innocent?

A more important question is, has she remained loyal and faithful to the marriage? Loyal to you yes, but to the marriage I would say no.   Namely to her wedding vows:  the promise to love, to honor, to remain faithful and to cherish.  All of these are found in a healthy marriage and need to be demonstrated.

If one were to say that morally she has not fulfilled these vows to the marriage then one could argue that she too has committed marital infidelity by denying you both physical and emotional intimacy.

I'm not trying to split hairs.  I'm trying to show you how your wife must take some ownership in the marital breakdown.  The breakdown did not take place as soon as you committed adultery .  It took place much earlier.

While you made a serious error in judgment I commend you for taking full and complete responsibility for your transgression.  However, rarely is it completely and totally the responsibility of only one individual for a marital breakdown.

In my opinion your wife must share some of the blame here- not for you having an affair but for contributing to an unhealthy relationship.  I will not say how much because I do not know all of the details but-  she must.

It is said that when a couple has an argument and one or both resort to the so called “silent treatment” that this tactic can be one of the most destructive behaviors that can occur in a marriage.

Can withholding emotional intimacy and physical contact from a partner be any less destructive?  I do not think so.  It is indeed a cruel means of inflicting emotional pain that is destined to emotionally starve a marriage partner.  As beings we were created to be in relationship- not in isolation.  We were created to have physical contact and when appropriate physical intimacy.  Do we wonder why solitary confinement in prisons is considered by many to be a cruel form of punishment?

When a wife or a husband isolates themselves from their mate for extended periods of time and it is done intentionally but profess to say , “I love you” then that person is in need of professional help for it suggests to me that there are serious much deeper issues.

I hope you are able to resolve your situation and begin the long process of re-building brick by brick the foundation of your marriage.