The dog has gone, what do I do?

Question

Due to the ban on fox hunting I have sold my fox hounds to a local Korean eating establishment and got a very nice price may I say, well somehow my housekeepers pet poodle got mixed in with the general bunch and ended up as no. 26 on the menu. Well, talk about having a nasty turn, she was fit to be tied, I tried to explain that it was only a dog and if it helped any I would treat her to a meal in the aforesaid establishment. Lady Agatha has told me to replace the infernal creature, my man Cuthbertson caught a couple of black rats in the sewers but she would not accept them, do I have to give her another dog? or just throw the old baggage out, she is 86 and quite frankly, well past her prime. She is a damned nuisance, crying and wailing about the damned dog, failing in her duties as well, forgot my 5 pm gin.

Answer 1

Use a whip sir! Or are you one of those damned do-gooder chappies!

Answer 2

Percy ol boy, I say to haitis with her, the pup was non too worn and it was time for it to see the other side of the moon as it were. I say no spilled gin, give the old girl another flea bag and tell her to move on.

Answer 3

Rotter said that he is taking me and some other girls out "dogging" with some of his chums on Sunday, so we will see if we can catch some dogs that your housekeeper might like.  Never been dogging before, so I can't promise anything.

Answer 4

Dearest Percy,

I'm pretty sure you have met my own little poodle, Mr. Poochums, quite a few times.  

He is quite the escapologist, as you know! (Remember that time when I bought him along to Delilah Bloomfield-Scrotchump's Lawn Bowls party?  The naughty little Diddums chased Marmaduke, her ginger tom, across the herb garden and over the parterre! Marmie has never quite been the same since).

Anyway, my little Poochums has been a bit of a scamp (bless his heart).  He slipped out again a few weeks ago and was a very naughty boy with Bloggs' Rottweiler, Gertrude.  (You know Bloggs; he is one of my security guards who looks after the night patrol).  Gertie has had 5 adorable puppies and I'm sure Bloggs would be more than happy to let your housekeeper have one of them.

Tootles x

Answer 5

My god man throw out her into the gutter and dam her teeth, the wretched woman. I won't have women crying up at the manor unless its during a particularly vicious horsewhipping or the distressed weepings as a result of my more perverse sexual demands. Tip top.

(Don't be late Sindy. Woof woof)

Answer 6

Throw the old bag out.  She forgot your gin & her whining is bothering you.  She's more trouble than she's worth.  It's not like you had her dog cooked on purpose.  It was an accident!!!

Answer 7

When you use the phrase "dog", are you sure you don't mean your housekeeper?

Replace her with a real vixen.  No names mentioned, Sindy.