The father of my newborn baby plays favorites with his other kids. Should I be mad or am I over reacting? ?

Question

This is a very strange question. I dont know if my emotions are screwed up or what but here goes...My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He has 2 children with his ex girlfriend. One is 8 and the other one is 3. We had a rocky beginning in our relationship with the mother of the 2 children. she would do things like try and keep the children from my bf and say she didnt want them around me and call me names and tell everyone that I "wouldnt let hims see his kids". To make matters worse, his entire family hated me as well because they wanted "what was best for his kids" and that was to be with the ex GF. They wouldnt even speak to me if we saw eachother at the local grocery store.

Two years later I fould out I was pregnant. All of a sudden the ex started pushing the children on my BF and was okay with them being around me. I was 100% fine with this ( 2 years of begging for them, showing up at soccer games and the kids no where to be found, thrown away gifts, and unanswered phone calls were getting old anyway). I honestly was actually happy and was beginning to think that FINALLY things were going to be normal.

After our little girl was born she had to stay in the hospital for 3 months due her getting sick immediately after birth. Dr.s werent even sure she would make it. Every day I would leave the hospital empty handed after watching her lay there in a little crib under a lamp.

Ever since the baby was born my BF started to be VERY defenssive over his other 2 children and would constantly remind me that they were going to "always be here and I needed to treat them fairly ". I dont know if anyone reading this has ever experienced almost loosing a child and/or being withough a child (a newborn baby at that) but its devestating, period. Being constant reminded that "my other kids need attention too", starts to get annoying. He didnt bring it up out of the blue, only when I would be doing things that would relate with my child coming home (i.e. putting up pictures on the refrigerator). I didnt ever treat the kids badly (his little girl actually LOVED me and when she was over she would be with me constantly anyway). The fights were when the kids were away and the subject of kids was brought up.

Well, thankfully, the nightmare had ended and the Dr.s told us that my baby girl was, finally, almost able to come home. Like any mother would I decided to get the spare room in our apatment ready. I was ESTATIC. My boyfriend came in, in the midst of my cleaning and I asked him if he would take the 2nd dresser to the dumpster or to a friend because the room was too small for 2 dressers (we put our old dresser in the room along with a dresser my mom had bought). Well of course, my bf starts freaking out and says that his kids will have no where to put there clothes and that I will never accept them and probably wont let them even come in the room.

I mean, I really and truely would never treat any child like that. I am the 2nd oldest of 5 kids. I feel so confused I dont even know what to do. The past 3 months have literally been h**l for me. I really feel like ending life at this point and the only thing that has stopped me is my daughter. Just having the thought that she MAY make it throusgh all of this. Now she has and all my BF can do is think about his other kids and getting them a second room (they obviously have rooms at their moms house).

Should I break up with this man? He makes me feel like he could care less about how I feel and how OUR child is. I know this sounds so odd. I cant even believe it myself. Im too embaressed to tell any of my family members. I feel like he has joined sides with his ex and parents. Is it just me or is this not really unfair not only to me but for the baby I have brought into this world.

Answer 1

I am soo happy your lil girl pulled thru.  As far as your BF goes, his behavior could be in line with the thinkng be grateful for what you have.  He has 2 children he hasnt been able to see, and 1 that may not make it.  He could be just doing what he can for the ones he can do it for.  This is just his way, and unfortunatley men arent able to multi task like us women, they are very wash and dry.  The EX might have felt more confortable with you because of your pregnancy and felt like ok she may be a keeper and it will be ok to expose my kids to her.  No parent wants people in and out their kids lives.  For you my dear, I think to hormones is a factor and also a sense of abandonment from your BF and his family.  One thing you cannot control is how a person deals with the possiblity of loosing a family member.  My husband lose hid grandfather around the time of my pregnancy, I did my best to be there for him, and everytime I was doing anything regarding this new life, he got all pissy.  I was very confused as i know you are too.  Try to get past this, if things dont start to change talk to your BF about your feelings, and go about your day as you should.  I wouldnt suggest leaving unless you feel like you just cant give anything else to this relationship.

The dresser thing, I understand his point, his children need the same things at there dads house as their moms house.  And he might have felt like this is the first of many things you will do for your daughter and not his other kids.  This guy came with a package, and just because you have one now doesnt change anything.

Answer 2

I agree that you should def have a heart to heart with him.  Ask him what is going on in his head and if he truly does believe that you treat his kids differently.  Make sure you hear him out instead of jumping to any defensive mode.  Whatever he says is not necessarily how it really is, but it is how he really feels and that has to be considered. With a baby in the hospital fighting for her life for 3 months I'm sure you have been a bit one sided.  I don't think that you should feel bad about that it just is what it is...you were in crisis mode.  I lost a child and unfortunately at that point nothing else really mattered...it's natural.  The important part is that you admit your feelings to him and really listen to his feelings.  Good luck and I am so happy that your baby is well.

Answer 3

This sounds a little one-sided, but if everything you say is true, you're boyfriend is extremely nervous that you will treat your child better than his other children. Which is natural...i mean she's your flesh and blood. But if I were you, I would try and take his other kids out for the day, maybe to an amusement park, just to spend time with them. Build a relationship with his kids, and show him that you are going to try to treat them equally.

If their mother doesn't want you around her kids then there isn't much you can do about it. Just try to be as caring as you can whenever they are around, and assure your BF that you are making an effort. And remind him that he has to do the same...he has a new daughter and he needs to make sure that she is treated fairly aswell.

And you DON'T want to split up with this man unless you are absolutely sure you can't fix these problems. He is the father of your child, and him not being there could make things very difficult for you (especially with a newborn baby), and also for your baby in the future. However, your ultimate concern should be to give your child the best childhood that you can. And if you feel that he is not fit to be a father, then do what you need to do.

Answer 4

You are a mother now.  Your first duty is to your daughter.  Your boyfriend and his feelings about his own children can wait until another day.  He doesn't sound like the kind of man you or your daughter need to live with anyway.  You need to do what is best for your infant daughter.  She is a defenseless newborn and you must provide a safe home for her.  If it means telling your family about the situation then you must do that today.  Don't delay.  Perhaps you have family who will take you and your baby daughter into their home temporarily.  If you absolutely cannot talk to your family then call the YWCA in your town.  They always have shelters for women and children.  Good luck.

Answer 5

First of all, Congratulations on your new baby and Thank God she's ok and coming home. Second, even if you didn't have her, I hope you'd never take your own life. There's life outside this man.

Perhaps your bf hasn't bonded well with your daughter because he was afraid of getting close to her and losing her. Now that she's home and he'll be spending time with her, he'll probably start bonding with her.

I'm a step mom. It's the harded job in the world and I applaud you for taking an active roll and going to soccer games, etc. These kids are already going through dealing with a broken home. They need their mom and their dad. I look at step parents as a bonus. Who couldn't use more people to love them? One important thing is to never ever speak poorly of their mother in front of them. I learned that the hard way. Try to make time for them. I know that's really hard with a newborn. But, when the baby is sleeping, play board games or read with the older kids. Your actions will show your bf that you're serious about being a family. Good Luck!

Answer 6

First off, you are not crazy.

Second, communication needs to become priority number one.

Sit him down and ask him where this weird behavior is coming from.

Ask him why he assumes that you would treat his kids unfairly?

Ask him why he appears to not care about the new baby?

It appears as if someone has guilted him into a state of defensiveness.

He is now "on guard" for his other kids.

Perhaps the parents were persuaded by the ex and then (with their tainted perception) told him that he was not seeing your behavior toward his children. Now he is defensive because they made him think that you were intervening in his relationship with his kids.

Nonetheless, this all needs to be discussed until a resolution is reached.

If a resolution can not be reached, you will have some decisions to make.

He needs to know that you have never treated his children with bias and that it is only natural for you to prepare for your child to come home & be sad when you are in fear of losing that child.

Best wishes

Answer 7

It sounds to me that your b/f is feeling insecure about losing his kids. That's not your fault, his x has been very munipulative and more than likely still is. All you can do is reassure him that you wouldn't exclude them out of your lifes and make the most of bringing your daughter home to a loving environment.  

Answer 8

I want to say that the fear of losing you'll daughter has made him more protective of his other children.   You need to have a talk with him, and let him know that you also almost lost your daughter and that you love his kids as if they were yours..And right now it is not about them, it is about life or dead your daughter...You need him

I am sure the ex is saying things to him....which is adding to his fear..

I am very happy to hear that your little baby is going home....