The first for today... Entitled "The End of Us"?

Question

I gave you my heart, I gave you my hand

But you let me go and here I stand

It's time to say goodbye to you

Time to believe we're finally through

So how does it feel to have lost it all

It's funny now, watching you fall

You've messed with my heart, you've f**ked with my head

I almost lost it all just to be your girlfriend

Now it's not so bad thinking of our past

Knowing I'm the best you ever had

She broke your heart so you got revenge

Too bad I'm the one who got hurt in the end

Do I look like her? Are we so much alike?

What are you smoking? What's in the pipe?

You've gotta be out of your mind

Stupid, immature, boring, and blind

You've lost a week, a month, a day

Because you couldn't see

Couldn't believe she's not me

I'm glad we're done, glad you're gone.

Honest opinions please? No thumbs down will be given by me.

Answer 1

Poetry doesnt need to rhyme, you have these fragmented segments of it rhyming and it stands out a bit. Maybe a bit more of a passionate vocabulary is needed for something of this subject?

Answer 2

The poem would be great if you try to focus more on punctuation.Re-read the poem out loudly to yourself and think again where you would put punctuation.[ it will give the poem the right flow, cuz right now the rhythm is a bit "tacky"].

I think you will love the poem yourself, if you use a bit different language, as the vocabulary you use is in some parts too cliche.

I think, the use of symbols and methaphors would do the poem a great service! There are sooo many strong emotions in this poem.Try to bring them up! Make them sound even more forceful!

and one more thing..you have only 1 stanza and too many thoughts and emotions in it. If you could devide it into more stanzas,it would help the reader to separate different thoughts and also allow you to be more precise in describing them.

Good Luck!