The good times. The milestones. Do you feel guilt or sadness for your child's first mom?

Question

That she can't experience them? What do you do about it? I imagine even in open adoptions the first mom might not be there to see the first step or hear the first word. The first time baby girl said "mommy", I completely lost it. I LOVED it. But then in an instat I felt a twinge as I couldn't imagine what it be like to be a first mom and know that your child is calling someone else that. Baby girl went from crawling to running very fast. She talks non-stop. Has the biggest imagination and weaves these incredible tales. And her mama doesn't know any of that. We send yearly updates to her orphanage with pictures and drawings that baby girl has done. Also, I have started writing letters to her mama. I have nowhere to send them right now as obviously we don't know who she is, but I believe that one day things may change in China and there will be a chance. If so, then I want her to know everything. Mostly, I want her to know she was never forgotten.

Answer 1

I appreciate what you are doing to keep the fmom in mind.  It is so nice of you to write those letters.  From a ffamily I just want to thank you. I wish so bad that my  grandson's afamily was like you.  

In the long run that is gonna really help your daughter to know how much you appreciate and love her too.  Her nmom will always be a part of her whether she knows her or not.  Your desire to know her nmom will give the two of you one more thing that you have in common.

Answer 2

YES! I want to call them everytime I something happens. I want them to be a part of it, and to be proud of him.

Answer 3

I mostly feel sad for my son's mom. When he was 3 he was diagnosed as being mentally delayed and as having severe FAS. He came to live with us when he was 5. She had not been in his life for over 4 years at the time and all she had heard was that he was "retarded". I strongly believe this is why she did not pursue having him returned to her care.

Fast forward to today and he is a relatively well adjusted child. He does have Fetal Alcohol Effects, but not the more serious FAS. He has some emotional issues that most attribute to the FAE. I think it also has alot to do with how the first five years of his life played out and to being adopted.

He has been an honor roll student for the past 3 years. A few times as a straight A student. He is also in a Gifted and Talented program at school. He is an all around athlete and participates in almost every sport imaginable.

With all of his accomplishments, I am sad that she can not be a part of this. I just hope that she can feel some pride in OUR (hers and mine) son whenever she sees his name in our local paper for either the honor roll or his sporting accomplishments.

Answer 4

Our situation was sooo different.  Our son's original parents chose not to parent - even denied that he was born (after she gave birth to him on the floor of the apartment) so for me, I don't know that I really experienced the guilt or sadness for them.  Although I do feel it at times for my son.  

For us, we have a wonderful open relationship with our son's grandparents.  So we've treated them just like my own parents or my in-laws.  We call them every time there is a new milestone or a report from a doctor.  We invite them to all family functions, etc.  So for us, this has been totally different than others who have different situations.

Answer 5

Hi Kazi,

Yes i feel both sadness and guilt that DD's other mother isn't experiencing her milestones with us.  I can't wait to share things with her.  DD's other mother is so happy to see her daughter accomplish her goals and her enthusiastic happiness is apparent.

You sparked me to ask a question, so i will finish this answer a little later so i don't influence answers to my question:)

Answer 6

I at times felt both of those things. Even in our very open adoption my daughter's nmom did not get to see all of the milestones when she was young.

But your daughter will grow up and will have the desire and ability to communicate directly with her nmom on her own.

Yes, the nmom may miss a lot in the early years but if given the freedom your child and her mother will eventually develop a special relationship all their own. It's quite lovely to see and a comfort that they really do "still" have each other.

Answer 7

YES!! AND FEEL IT WITH YOUR HEART...

Answer 8

I am one of the lucky ones...I take pics and send them and I also get on the phone asap to share all the details.  We live many states apart, but we talk on the phone very often and I take pics and send them to her on a cd monthly.  I also keep a journal of what she does and when she does it...I send it to her every year around our daughter's birthday...along with a bunch of our daughter's artwork and special things like that  I really enjoy being able to share our child together.  That's for my one daughter...for my other daughter I do feel guilt and sadness that she is unable to experience these milestones with us.  She has currently cut off correspondence, but I hold out hope...so I do the same journal and take lots of pics in hope that one say she will come back into the picture and I can catch her up on everything that she has missed.

Answer 9

It sounds like you dont see yourself as her mother.

Answer 10

I feel both and sometimes just want to scream, "Life is not fair." I think that thought a lot also. Both nfather and nmom are involved. They had no choice literally. either gabe would have been taken from the state with no contact due to past issues or they could chose an adoptive family and hope that we would do the right thing and keep an open adoption which we have, gladly. I just know how she wants to be a mom so bad but the state would never allow it. It just makes me more sad than anyting. I never try to take for granted for what I have.

Answer 11

I call this feeling "survivor guilt" in a way.  I'd been keeping a scrapbook, with a second one, showing pictures and dates of each milestone.

My son is 10 months old, and took his first steps in the past week, his first haircut yesterday, his first tooth the 4th of July.  With the scrapbook, it shows all of his looks, the smiles, the frowns, even the fear of the clippers for a minute.

Today, his 1st dad came to us, and looked all through it.  She's coming this weekend.  They are pregnant again, and I offered to help them, however, they feel they still can't raise this baby, and are considering placing it with us also.  In a way, I'm thrilled for my son to have a brother or sister.  In a way, I'm mad that their birth control didn't work (she on pill/he used a condom).  In another way, I'm so sad for her!  Luckily, they realized today that we have always been serious about letting them be part of "J"'s life, and that we are wanting to be open about his adoption.  

I totally recommend the scrapbook.  The look on my son's 1st dad's fact today was so priceless.  He looked at every little note I'd put in.  He looked at every picture, asked questions, and shared many of the moments that we were experiencing.  Ironically, our son's 1st word was "da-da", and for the last 2 months, he's called everyone that.  He hasn't said "ma-ma" yet, but he called his 1st dad "da-da" today.  It brought tears to my eyes.  We've all made the decision to be very open about the adoption, and that mentally, physically, nor financially are they ready for a baby, but they are ready to be part of his life, and we're thrilled!  We're planning a first birthday party for our son, and are hoping that he has a brother or sister an it, that is healthy, no matter if we are fortunate enough to raise it, or if they decide to keep him/her and raise it.  They will always be siblings.

Answer 12

Wow, this outpouring of guilt and sadness is touching.  But will it still be there when your child grows up and wants to reunite?

Many, many reunions are blocked by adoptive parents, so I'm having trouble buying a lot of this supposed concern for the mother.

Answer 13

For the first several years, I felt a sadness for her because I thought she was probably hurting.  I've prayed that she would have peace with her decision.  Over the years (almost 30) I've continued to love this person who I did not know.  I wish the best for her and hope that she's had a good life and still have hope that we would meet her some day so I could thank her for her precious sacrifice.

Answer 14

I know many that feel guilt because they could have prevented the adoption from happening in the first place. In too many IA cases, all it would have taken was $50 a month but oh well, they got themselves a baby doll.