The ideal adoption scenario...?

Question

My husband and I are only beginning to look into adopting a child. We have one biological one already who is a great joy in our lives. We are both young and healthy and could have more children but ever since I gave birth I've been tormented by the thought that there are babies out there who were abandoned and have no mother to love them.

We both decided we wanted to reach out to one of these little angels who are no less precious than our own.

However, we have so many concerns. I.e Should we seek to have an open adoption so that the child can know his/her mother, at what age should we tell the child he/she was adopted? When should we tell our biological child?

We were thinking of raising them both with the idea that one of them was given to us by God in one way and one in another but that ultimately there's no real difference between them.

For those who have been adopted, what would your ideal scenario have been (or as close to it as possible)?

Answer 1

Adopt internationally, I work here in Romania's Orphanages and people cannot even comprehend the suffering that these children endure in Eastern European Orphanages. I mean -6 and no heat, not enough food, being tied to beds. It is horrible, if you want to adopt these children are already abandoned and most of them have NO hope of ever being part of a family here. If they are not adopted internationally they will stay in these orphanages until they are kicked out, run away or die. Email me if you would like some more information.

Answer 2

Yes, it will be better for the child to have an open adoption. Mirroring is crucial for healthy self esteem. Children need to know where they came from and who they look like.

There should never be a time when the child does not know he or she is adopted, which means you start telling the story right from the beginning. They will need more info as they get older, but the fact itself should never be a surprise.

You should  tell your bio child ASAP that you are going through the effort to find another child. Oh wait, not a child. Well then you've got more time. Babies take a lot longer to adopt, because there's so much demand for them. Agencies are not desperate to find parents for healthy babies. It's the prospective parents who are desperate to find babies. It's a high-demand industry. You'll find if you go that route that it will probably take years.  And, be much more expensive. If you're truly looking for an actual orphan who has no family member to take care of him or her, you could find one as soon as you fill out the necessary papers and process a few other formalities for the agency in question.

So if it is true that you want to give a home to an orphaned child, it shouldn't take too long or cost too much.

Answer 3

I work with a woman who used to work for Catholic Charities.  They have an adoption program there.  I would recommend talking with them.  You don't have to be Catholic or promise to raise the child Catholic.  My coworker was actually the only Catholic working there.  Anyway, they have seminars to explain the process of adopting and the difference between open and closed.  They can talk to you about the pros and cons and give you more information to guide you.  Good luck!  I think what you and your husband are planning to do is wonderful!!!

Answer 4

As a baby i was adopted myself. and i can not stress enough to you, always let them know that they are adopted, dont keep it a secret (no matter what intentions you have) secrets will blow up in your face.  (it happened to one of my friends and it broke his heart, and he felt like he couldn't trust his mother anymore)

My parents told it like this, "we had soo much love to give that we went to the extra trouble to make sure you were in our lives"  I have never felt bad that i was adopted. AND I COULD NOT HAVE ASKED FOR BETTER PARENTS.

that's a good way of putting it, they were both given to you by god just in two different ways.

just tell everybody the truth and you and your children should be fine.

I dont know about the open adoption, on the one aspect there are alot of people loving for one child, and on the other aspect the child may become confused or the birth mother my interfere with your parenting techniques (can't have too many cooks in the kitchen so to speak)

just a side note.

I have not met my birth mother, maybe one day, but i don't feel the need. I think part of that has to do with the fact that my mother always told me that if i wanted to when i became legal age i could, and she would help. (legal age in Missouri is 21)  I could never think of my mother as anything that my mother and my birth mom is just someone nice enough to get me to my real mom.

I had my ideal scenario.

all i can say is just give them love like my mom and dad did. Feel free to email me if you have any other questions

Answer 5

I also would encourage researching thoroughly into adoption before proceeding - and make sure that it's as ethical as possible.

Personally - for me as an adoptee - I didn't 'need' to be adopted - my mother was pressured into relinquishing me - by her mother  and by society at the time (I'm a late 60's baby) - sadly some mothers are still pressured into adoption today. My father offered marriage - and they went on to marry 6 months after my birth & had 3 more children. I was not allowed to grow in the family that I belonged to.

If adoption MUST happen - for the safety of the child - then please make sure that the child always knows that they are adopted - and please always answer questions that the child may have - as it's his/her story to have.

An adoptee comes from somewhere before they come to you. Honor that - the adoptee can not become another bio child for you - love who the child is - and the family the child came from. Never make the adoptee feel as if he/she must be grateful for being adopted - no adoptee 'asks' to be separated from their family and given to a family of strangers.

Educate yourselves and try to understand that an adoptee must suffer a huge loss (of family & heritage - and if an international adoptee - a loss of language, culture etc) and always allow the child to voice that loss.

Adoptees that are made to keep quiet - internalise much of their pain - then find trusting very hard to do.

Ideal scenario - if the child must be adopted - is still being able to know the family from which they came from.

Answer 6

Hi and welcome.

I am going to try to be gentle here, but I'm concerned because you seem to be proceeding with the adoption idea based on a misconception.

This right here...

"ever since I gave birth I've been tormented by the thought that there are babies out there who were abandoned and have no mother to love them."

This really is not a good reason to adopt. Because the truth is, there are NOT lots of babies who need new homes.... and for the ones who do? They are in absolutely no danger of not getting a home. The numbers of people waiting to adopt them GREATLY supercede the number of babies needing homes.

So, if you truly want to care for a child who actually needs new parents, I'd urge you to look into older child adoption. The older kids are the ones who are actually waiting for new families, for loving parents, for good homes. No infants are waiting.

The rest of your post... I just honestly can't address right now, because I think you are proceeding from a place of misinformation. Before you even begin to think about those questions, you need to do some indepth research on what infant adoption is really all about, the ethical considerations involved, the reasons infants are relinquished, and on and on.

Good luck as you figure all this out.