The kids are doing a lot better than I am?

Question

I've been trying to not think about the teenage girl who lives at her Dad's new wife's house who sexually molested my 5 yo son, while my 4 yo daughter watched over an approx 1 year period before I found out. I went to Court, was granted sole legal & physical custody of the kids & their dad has to have supervised visitation. The 3 of us are all in Counseling. It has helped the kids and me, too.

The issue that's come up is a family wedding soon. There is a court order for no contact between the 14 yo & the children. If they decide to go, we will not attend the wedding. I'm also very upset at the possibility of seeing this girl face-to-face. The anxiety I experienced just going near the part of town where they live was incredible.

The issue I'm having is now I'm thinking about her & what she did to my children a lot, again. One of the things my Therapist told me is that she is a child. There were 2 adults in that household who did not protect the kids. As a parent, what would you do?

Answer 1

What a horrible situation you are in.  I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  I was a victim of molestation when I was a little girl, and I know if anyone ever touched any of my kids in that way, I'd be hard-press not to beat them to death with the nearest think I could grab.  In my personal situation, I was 4 and he was 12.  It continued until I was 8 and he was 16.  Was he a child?  Sure - but that doesn't mean he didn't know it was wrong.  Wrong is wrong, and even kids know that.

#1 - skip the wedding, regardless of whether or not they decide to go.  If you just don't go, there's no worrying about whether they will be there.  Don't go.

#2 - you have to work through all this and process it to a point where the anger is controllable.  The anger will eat you up, inch by inch, from the inside out.  And it will affect everything you do every day of your life.  You need to get through this and move on.  You're already on the right track by getting the kids away from him entirely.  You cannot change what's happened.  All you can do now is talk to your kids if they need it (and sometimes even when they think they don't), keep them safe, and tell you love them every single day, all the time.  It's ok to be angry - but you anger will only hurt you and the ones you love.  It will not hurt those responsible for that despicable act.  If they were all that worried about YOUR KIDS, they never would have let it happen in the first place.

Its time to heal, Sweetie.  It's time to heal.

I wish you every good thing that life has to offer from this day on.

Answer 2

Don't go near them it is best for you and your kids!I hope things get easier for you that's a terrible thing to have to live through ! The teenager she's not your daughter is she? I wasn't clear on that ?

Answer 3

Im a tad confued...who is this teenage girl to you?  Anyway....Statistically, a majority of molesters have been molested themselves.  14 is a chld but definitly old enough to understand what she was doing was not only "wrong" but harming very small children.  Stay in counseling, its very understandable about how hurt you are over the whole ordeal.  I wouldnt go ANYWHERE near where there was theh possibility of running into this girl.  Dont worry one bit who you will offend or what family events you will miss out on.  Its all about the kids, ya know?  I guess just try and accept the facts that you cant change...you cant go back in time, you can only go forward.  Do things/activities that will make the kids feel like they have some sense of power in their life..little karate classes, etc.

Answer 4

A 14 year old abused or not knows it was wrong. Especially if she has been in therapy for 8 years. My mother was sexually abused all her life from the time she can remember to the time she left the house to marry my dad. And never once did she abuse anyone. I have often wondered why some repeat offend and others do not. I think "they have been abused" at the age of 4 or 5 might be an excuse, but by 8 or 9 a child knows it is not right. the problem is she has become a predator herself now.

I would be in the same situation you are, it would eat me alive. My mother actually took us over there, she said she never in a million years thought he would hurt anyone aside from his own children, wrong, he abused many of my cousins, myself and my sisters. So it would obsess me the way it is you. I would just not go to the wedding, period. Even if your kids seem ok, seeing her could cause a lot of problems to arise again. And I dont even know what to tell you about your ex husband, he knew a child who had abused others was in his house with his kids and did not supervise, wow his priorities are way off.

Keep up with the therapy and maybe get on some anti depressants. I have been on and off them for years due to my abuse, sometimes you can just be on a small dose and it helps to take the edge off also the obsession part. I wish you the best of luck, you cannot change the past, and you did not allow it, once you knew you stopped it. you did protect your children. I am so sorry for you just know that getting them into counseling is the best thing for them. My thoughts are with you.

I would think your husband should have to pay the court bill since you won the custody, but I am not sure. Also have you tried looking for a support group for mothers who are also in your situation, I would think the therapist could help with that. It may help to just hear from someone it will get better over time. And if it bugs you when your therapist say she is a child then tell him, like I said 14 or not she knows it was wrong.

Answer 5

skip the wedding.  anxiety gone.  send your regrets.  14 is hardly helpless. at 14 she was no longer a child. she is a teenager who knows right/wrong.

Answer 6

Just skip the wedding, then there is no need to stress about seeing this girl.

Answer 7

I would flip out.

Answer 8

First, you have to wonder where the 14 yr old got this behavior from.  She is a child and children don't just start doing these things.  They are exposed to and learn this behavior from somewhere.  She may have been molested herself and does not know any better.  This is what happens with molested children.  They unknowingly pass it on to other children not knowing the effects or reasons behind it.  This does not excuse the behavior and I can see how you would be absolutely furious (and I would be as well).  But maybe if you try to think about some reasons that she did this, you may be able to forgive (you'll never forget, of course) and then YOU can start healing.

I would avoid the wedding.  It's not worth your sanity and it's just one event.  Send a gift and forget about it.  If you really want to go, maybe you could ask the person who is handling the RSVPs if the family is planning to go.  They may not be going because of the same reasons.  

Good luck and god bless.

Answer 9

God Grant Me The Serenity To Accept The Things I Cannot Change

Courage To Change The Things I Can

And The Wisdom To Know The Difference

You have done all you can to look after yourself and your family. You can't change what has happened. Keep focusing on you and your children and let the past be the past. Things will come good. Avoid the wedding if that is the best thing for you and your children.

All the best.

PS: I don't understand how the 14yr old fits into your family??? Is she a half sister to your children??

You aren't her mother, your children's dad isn't her dad? How does she fit into the family??

Answer 10

The teenage  girl who molested your son is the one that seriously needs counseling. Tell your ex to send her to a therapist. It is a shame that both of your children are going through this. But times change, and hopefully the future should hold great treasures for you and your family.

Answer 11

Wow - this must be really difficult for you.  It sounds like you have a good therapist so that is a start.  I can't give you any advice on how to stop thinking about this terrible situation, but my advise on the wedding would be this.  Since the court order is against the 14 year old, and your ex-husband did nothing to stop the abuse (or didn't notice) I think you need to tell him that she needs to stay home so your family can attend the wedding.  She is his and his wife's responsibility, and there are things such as this that will come up - and she is the one who should have to miss such events - not your children because everytime you tell your children they cannot go somewhere because this girl is going to attend - they are being punished and that is unacceptable.  You shouldn't even have to worry about whether or not she is going - they should have to wait and see if you are going.  That is your right as the vicitim!!!!!  You should try to be strong and tell your ex and his wife this.

Good Luck - I hope time will help you heal...this is a situation I would not wish on anyone.

Answer 12

go to court and get a restraining order on between ur family and the girl....thats what my friend did when her stepbrother tryed to moleste her daughter

Answer 13

If there is a chance the girl will attend... I would not show up to the wedding.

Maybe you can speak to the person who is doing the wedding to find out if the girl is attending or not.

Good luck to you and your children.