The lesser known, yet arguably more interesting, Super Bowl awards - Part 2
This is the second part of a four part series of articles discussing lesser known awards during Super Bowl XLV.
Next up, we have another group member of the Black Eyed Peas, but he was better than Fergie. So he could be a lima bean. Will.i.am did perform better, but found out something terrible when he entered the stadium. He had promised to tweet while performing,
but found out that, sadly, AT&T does not provide coverage where and when you need it the most. Sure, he could get coverage in the bathroom but isn’t it weird to be tweeting in the bathroom while you should be performing? I thought so too. Moving on!
For all we know, Tiger Woods may never win another award. So I will give him one out of sympathy and because he taught Rodgers how to celebrate his wins with nerdy fist bumps and uncomfortable touch-down celebrations. High five Rodgers! On second thought,
that is a bad idea… You know, Brett Favre and Woods were probably hanging out during the Super Bowl.
It seems sad to follow up Woods with “Big Ben” Roethlisberger, but that is just how it is. Live with it. He failed to join a small group of elites who have won three Super Bowl rings, but did the most amazing thing I have ever seen right after the game.
He left the field with a thick beard and appeared for interviews soon after cleanly shaven. What is this? Did Ben defy the principles of space and time? We can rule out that he had a fake beard, seeing as even the cheapest fake beard does not look as horrible
as the porcupine that was stuck to his face during the game. It looks as though he just gave his beard a cup of warm milk and put it to bed for a job not-so-well done.
But consider this. Using incredibly confusing formulas and some other math related things, Roethlisberger’s Brett Kiesel beard would have required a trim with clippers and then a shave. Considering “X,” which is the difficulty of cutting Ben’s beard, it
would take at least ten minutes to shave a beard of that caliber. You also need to consider “Y” which is the surface area that needs to be shaved. A normal face would take about ten minutes to shave, but a face the size of the Big Ben clock tower would take
a derived time of 45.48 minutes. We also have to consider which Roethlisberger we are working with; the well-shaven, religious one or the bearded, motorcycle-crashing and bar-hopping one. So using all of these factors, I think we can safely say that Big Ben
can afford one of those razors with six blades. Case solved.
The remaining Super Bowl winners will be disclosed in the next part of this article. Take a look!
Continued in Part 3…
This article is based on pure fiction, and the writer intends to present light entertainment to the readers. These are the writers own opinions and are not in any way related to Bettor.com's editorial policy.
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