The past is hauting me again, Why?

Question

My husband says that he doesn't think I am in love with him anymore because it seems to him that I constantly walk around pissed off at the world. I have had some problems with depression and am still trying to deal with losing some of my family members. The closest of which my sister who I lost 2 years ago unexpectedly when she was 31. I turn 31 this year in a few days and have been upset a lot lately about her death again. I thought I had grieved enough and that I was doing alright but it seems like now that I am turning the age she was when she died it has all come flooding back. Mostly the guilt of not being around and not answering her call when she tried calling me a few days before she died. I also lost a baby a month after my sister died and then a grandparent 2 months after that. Now my husband is filing for divorce again after the lawyers were paid off last year and ready to go to court for final hearing. Now he says he doesn't think that I am in love with him.

Answer 1

It's not your past.

It's still your present. You have a LOT of things going on. You need help from someone who can help you sort things out, especially that mound of grief you're sitting on top of and apparently not sharing with your loved ones.

I'm sure your husband wants to help, but maybe he feels like you're too far gone under all that. That's what he MEANS when he says that he doesn't think you are in love with him.

Both of you need to chill out, get help, cut each other some slack, and focus on healing your selves and your marriage.

Answer 2

It seems like you need some therapy and is always hard to loose a loved one truth is you never going to get over that, but it will ease with time, about your hubby it sounds like he is selfish and self centered your world comes down you loose people in your life that are irreplaceable including a child and he is just looking down on you instead of supporting you, I tell you what when you go to therapy to get over your loved ones get therapy to also get over this selfish jackass and find someone who is going to love you unconditionally someone who you can lean on when you need support let that man go get that divorce and get therapy for all of your issues it will make a whole lot of difference may god help you.. Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like your feelings don't go very far past how you feel. And you are the only one that can make YOU feel better. While prescriptions and therapy can help, sometimes you have to use the power of your brain (thoughts and perception) and make a radical step-change to improve your mood. Try breaking out of your normal cycles once in a while.

A good sit down chat with your husband in a new locale is probably a start. Maybe there is some truth to what he is saying

Answer 4

Oh honey..u should be in counseling. Noone can deal w that much alone! You should also look into depression medication. I went through something similar w my husband. We still stumble now and then because I walk around "mad at te world" as well from my depression. But I try to keep on it w medications an counseling. I talk to him openly and let him know when things are bad for me internally as well as invite him to counseling sessions w me so he can see what I am going through and the counselor helps us get through my depression. It is important to do this! GOod luck to you and know that you are not the only one who struggles, it is just a matter of seeking help and stikling w the program.

Answer 5

sounds like hes just looking for a way out and using you as an excuse, or rather making you sound like the excuse.

he probably cant deal with the issues anymore, ...or doesnt want to, some people are like that. Let him go, you'll be better off dealing with your situations on your own rather than him adding to it.

..try and talk to him, also, talk to a counselor to see if there is enough to save. If in fact thats what you want.

Def get counseling though, for yourself, maybe he'll agree to go too.

Answer 6

You need to face the fact that in some ways you'll always grieve over your sister, baby and grandparent.  Who says there is a TIME LIMIT?  I lost my daughter 4 years ago and like you, I had a hard time when one of my other children turned the same age as she was when she died, I also have a hard time on her birthday, Christmas, etc...and my husband has been very patient with me.  One time 3 years after she died, I was on my way into work when I just started crying about her, it ended up that I had to take the day off and just go home and CRY.  My "Grief Workshop" counselor told me that I was experiencing WAVES OF GRIEF and that it's perfectly NORMAL.  Look for a GRIEF WORKSHOP in your area, they're usually free, and help a lot.  But don't let anyone tell you that it's time to stop greiving!!!!  Maybe if you do go to one of these workshops your husband will see that you're trying to help your marriage, but on the other hand it makes me mad that he's thinking about HIMSELF and that you don't love him??? Give me a break!  You've had a TREMENDOUS loss and he needs to think about helping you through it...not letting you deal with it alone.  He also needs to understand that women go through things differently then men!  Sorry to go on and on but I get mad when someone in your situation is being treated in this manner!  You take care and you CRY about your losses as much as you feel YOU need to!  Crying cleanses the soul, and God promises that for every tear...there WILL be a harvest!  You take care!

Answer 7

Are you in love with him?  If you are, you need to tell him, and ask him to hang in there while you endure all this grief.

If you're not in love with him he is right to file for divorce, but his timing sucks.

Answer 8

Why dont you talk to somebody about this?

It may do you good.

You can work it out if you try hard enough

Answer 9

Are you in love in with him? If so reaffirm it to him that you are but you get a lot on your mind some times. And the truth about a death is there will be things that trigger it for some years to come. It is normal and still part of the healing process. Times,events days ect. will bring it all back but don't be scared of the emotions it too will pass in time and heal. Guilt is not a healthy thing for some one to feel over a lose like yours because you were living life and that's what we do. If we thought of losing people we loved on a daily basis we would have to call them all every day. What is important is that at some point she knew you loved her. That is a lot of grieving processes to go through in a short amount of time and each one needs to be grieved.  

Answer 10

I don't blame you, your family members died. You should be sad but in a while you won't be pissed off, he has to give you time to get over your loved ones.

Life is full of that stuff, so chances are, you get pissed of again and again for different reasons and if he can't see that when your sad you get mad, well it's be tough living with him.

And it's stupid of him to think you don't love him. Just because your mad doesn't mean your mad at him.

Answer 11

It is common to be pissed off.  It's hard to understand why certain things happen.  Some people give it all up to a higher power & some of us fight it & question everything.  You have every right to own your feelings & if you need to cry then go ahead.  It's not healthy to repress memories.  Your husband is confused.  He just doesn't get it.  He wants a wife who is on a constant high.  Don't we all want that in a partner?  He's probably internalizing everything & making it about him.  When my husband's mom died he bounced around from appreciating his life to being a complete jerk to hating everyone & everything, to being numb & unaware of me.  I knew what was happening.  Have you talked to him about what you deal with every day?  I'm asking because a lot of people go through life just reacting & never telling anyone why.  It's very confusing.

Answer 12

Well, maybe you should go to therapy for yourself. It is understandable that you are grieving, but, you can only expect another to live with it for so long...

Answer 13

Talk with him ASAP! Tell him this! Tell him HOW YOU FEEL! Please! Be open and blunt with him!!

Answer 14

You're already further along than many people.  You realize and admit that you are suffering from depression.  Speak with your husband honestly and let him know that you're having a difficult time and why.  It may help if you print some literature on depression for him to read.  That way he can possibly have a better understanding of how it can impact relationships.  Let him know that you are aware that you are having a problem and that you plan to seek help.  Explain that you love him and want to be with him but that you need help to get through this time in your life.  Then follow through with seeking help.  Talk to your doctor for recommendations on therapists and possibly medication to help you deal with your depression.  Hang in there, you can get through this.  Realizing that you have a problem is the biggest step.