The "I have 2 mommies" battle?

Question

Today in Sunday school, a little girl was telling my son that she was having 2 brothers (twins) soon. e told her that he had 2 mommies and she insisted he didn't. Other kids joined in and called him a liar and he stood his ground.

A bunch of kids came up and said "****** said he has 2 mommies" I told them that he did. They are all 2-4 years old, and I wasn't sure how to explain it to him. He was inconsolable.

I don't feel like I can go anywhere without this stupid c**p happening. I felt so bad for him.

I don't want to use my son as an experiment or a teaching tool. I want to PREVENT these types of things from happening.

Any suggestion on how to do that without sharing his business?

Answer 1

Let him know that he can explain that he is adopted. He has the mother who gave him life and the mother who is raising him. Adoption is pretty normal today, and it's something that many kids would understand.  

Answer 2

It seems to me a teacher should have intervened if little kids in Sunday School were calling another child "a liar".  Sounds like a "teaching moment" to me.  

As parents we want to "prevent these types of things from happening" but in real life, you're not going to be able to anticipate every situation where it is likely to happen OR be with your child 24/7 to rescue him.  You don't say how old your son is but he was able to communicate that he has two mommies.  I would suggest that you teach your son to talk about his adoption in terms that a child can understand.  Teaching some key words like  "adopted" "birthmother" or "biological" mother.  You'll need to adjust his explanation as his understanding grows.  Sometimes you have to adjust your explanation because YOU may leave out pertinent nformation that you thought was understood but was not.  When my daughter was 2 1/2 and was asked in mother's day out where she was born, she announced, "I wasn't born, I was adopted.  I have a "bi-gilogical" mom and a real mom".  Her teacher realized what she meant and told me about it later.  I thought it was too cute, but, of course, we did a little more explaining--lol.

Answer 3

This really is not for you to explain. The kids who brought up not believing it was possible - just tell them to ask their parents to help explain.

Or if you happen to see their parents, just mention it in passing.

You are totally right to not use your personal family info as examples.

Answer 4

what freaky avatar!

this is his battle.  this is something he is going to have to live with for the rest of his life.

your family is different.  so others may find it strange.  just don't hide or think you have to teach others or explain to others. you just say, "yes, he has two mommies", then leave it at that.

Answer 5

Make sure your son understands how special he is to be adopted. When other kids ask about it, just tell them that your son has one mommy that was unable to be a good mommy so she let you be his mommy for her. Just "dumb" it down to kid level. They don't have to understand the details.

Your son is going to have to deal with this for the rest of his life (on different levels as he gets older). Don't feel sorry for him, that will only make him feel sorry for himself. Just make sure he understands how much you love him and care about him. Make sure he understands how much his birth mother loved him to carry him for 9 months and then give him up to someone else so that he could have a better life.  

Answer 6

wow...it must be nice to be a part of a "social experiment", especially when brought to your attention by people who can't read nor research your situation. nowhere did you state you were L*****n, yet you have mentioned you are an adoptive parent.

and people wonder why 12% of the country still think b. obama is muslim.  man do we have a few children "left behind." *shiver*

i commend you for acknowledging your son's fmom.  so many don't.

i would talk to your son and explain to him that some kids say not nice things; and that he is a very special little boy to have 2 mommies.

good luck.

Answer 7

You know my daughter has that same problem..... but she has two dads.. she is four years old and it doesn't seem to  bother her at all.. she knows how to explain to people one helped to conceive her and the other adopted her.. I'm the mother if anything I should have a hard time with this but my ex and my husband get along pretty well.!

Answer 8

Young children have a pretty established paradiem of how certain things are supposed to be.  Example: A family consists of a Mommy and a Daddy and children that all look alike.  When children that young are confronted with a situation that challenges that paradiem, the natural reaction is confusion and denial.  Remember: kids are very "black and white' at that stage.

I see it when I come to school functions with my youngest son, who is a different race than I am.  His friends and classmates look at him, then look at me and you can see them trying to puzzle that out in their minds.  In kindergarten/preschool, the questions were "Are you V's mommy?"  And I say "Yes, I am." then the kids move on.  This year, (1st grade) it's become, "Why does V. have brown skin and you don't?" So they're able to verbalize the differences that they couldn't do last year.  

I don't know if you can prevent these questions from happening, though the teasing and confrontation you mention is a lot more than I would have expected from preschoolers!  My best advice is to teach him how to respond to those questions, giving information when he feels like it or not giving personal information when he doesn't.  Play pretend with him so he can get practice using those techniques.  

If this bullying behavior happens again, though, I'd speak to the teacher.  

Good luck!

Answer 9

That is a shame, you are going to have to talk to him about adoption very differently if you actually weren't purposefully setting him up for that situation.  

Answer 10

Dear L@r@,

((((L@r@ & Little Man))))

I am so sorry! How terrible for your son. I know that you will be there

for him and help him realize these other children are simply ingnorant of different kinds of families. I know your situation is unusual for where you live and this is something that has worried you - I am truly saddened that it happened this way. I wish I could wave the ol' magic wand or twitch my nose to turn back time and educate these kids (like their parents should have) and had the situation unfold differently.

Your support and openess about your son's adoption and the "I-love-you, no-matter-whats will hopefully ease his pain. Reassure your son that he is normal and he was RIGHT, no matter what the other kids said. Help him find the words to explain his situation so that he can defend himself better if this situation should ever arise again. Assure him that he is well loved by BOTH his Moms and his Daddy & Sibs; that he has EXTRA because of his uniqueness. If his FM can give him some encouragement as well, it would be beneficial also. (Maybe she can wite a note or something as I know there are some prickles in that situation.) Hopefully he will heal from this quickly and that it will help him to become a stronger person.

It is a shame that people do not take the time to explain families to their children from the beginning. These things should be explained as early as possible, not just to adopted children but to ALL children. If taught early that there are different kinds of families, chilldren are much more accepting of people from different family structures than their own. It should be done at the same time a parent teaches their child that the Moo Cow makes baby cows and that the penguin daddys hatch the eggs and that Mockingbirds leave their eggs in other bird's nests! There are all kinds of families everywhere. Tolerance, compassion & empathy are beast learned EARLY!

It is disgraceful that a child should have to learn to "defend" himself from ignorance at such a young age and in such a personal and painful manner.

I'm sorry I haven't better advice (or the wand!) but I hope know that you will do everything you can to help your son cope with this nasty experience. I wish your son all the best with this - let him know that he has support from lots of us too! <3

ETA: I clicked over to post this and saw you changed you avatar. I know it wasn't the most popular but I will miss the old one. One sometimes needs fangs to defend themselves on this board. I always thought it was rather appropriate!

Answer 11

I have 2 moms.  When that sort of thing happened, I just said "mmmk", and let it go.

Until middle school.  It "got out" that my moms are lesbians.  It was awful for a little while, but at the same time I got to see who my real friends were.  And, it was kind of funny, because I studied a lot about the bible, so anyone who came at me with saying "your mom is sinning", I had something to say to them too (perhaps they were wearing a shirt with blended fabric).  shut them up pretty quick.

Answer 12

Obviously, some dumd tards (like USMC wife) didn't get what you meant.

Instead they just made fools of themselves by assuming you meant something and taking it as an opportunity to show off their bigotry.

Bravo, well done idiot bigots!

Answer 13

Tough one Lara - horrible that it became a 'battle'.

You've obviously instilled in him a great sense of self - and he's just sticking up for that.

Talk to him - see if he wants your help in this - bounce things around - let him lead the direction in which this should go in.

See if he thinks it would be good for you to tell adults within groups that you have contact with about his 'two mothers'.

If you don't talk about this - he may think that having two mothers is a wrong thing.

And it just isn't - and he should never feel bad about that - it's an adoptee's reality.

It's not his fault that peoples are just stupid some times.

Make him feel good for being so lucky to have two women that love him very very much.

It must have been awful. I'm so sorry that there are so many ignorant twits in this world - and so many stupid misconceptions in adoption - that hinder an adoptee from a more grounded sense of self.

Your doing good Lara. In fact - you're doing d**n good!!

ETA: and think about it - step-families - when divorce happens - often means children have extra parents.

It's just different from the 'norm' - and people need time and knowledge to adjust.

Answer 14

Your son does have two moms - one that gave birth to him, and the one that raised him, which is you.

Don't let anyone else convince you of otherwise.

Answer 15

There is no winning this battle.  Just make sure you teach your son how to handle personally probing questions...  and to be proud of who he is.

Answer 16

maybe explain it to his teacher and have them tell it to the class. that your son was born to a family that couldnt take care of him well. so you and your husband adopted him so that he would had a family who can take care of him and love him as much as he deserves. i remember in kindergarten the same thing happened to my friend and the teacher explained it to everyone. good luck

Answer 17

I'm sorry very this happened to your son, and for any hateful responses you receive here.

Unfortunately, it's what happens whenever someone is different, whether it be race, religion, sexual orientation, sticky-out ears, frizzy hair, you name it.

Kids can be extremely cruel, as can their parents.

We've been in that situation numerous times, as the only Jews in the group, or the only homeschoolers in the group or the only family with one child in the group.

At his age, you just tell him that most kids have never met a child with two mommies.  Teach him to shrug his shoulders at the first negative reaction, rather than standing his ground verbally.

He's got challenges ahead of him - but he will grow into a strong, compassionate man with your support.

All the best.