The "but its not my real baby" debate! I NEED YOUR STORIES!?

Question

My partner and I are finally ready to become parents. I was adopted at birth and have never had any interest in having a biological child, I want to adopt. However, she has the (very common) feeling that she wont feel like an adopted child is hers as much as a biological child.

I am looking for your stories. Particularly ones from people where you or your partner felt like this before the adoption, and especially from families that have both biological and adopted children.

Thank you so much!

Answer 1

Hi.  My husband and I have 8 children (combined).  

This means, I have step children(full time), womb children, and adopted children.

In our house, they are all treated the same.  It doesnt matter from where you came from.... What matters is the love.  

That said.....  Please make sure that all doubts about the adoption are gone, before you do adopt.  It would be ashame for a child to be where they didnt feel they belonged.

Some people can except adopted children as their own.... others simply cant.  

Maybe get some counseling on it or something.  

Hope all goes well.

Answer 2

Have to tell you that once that baby is placed in your partners arms, all doubts will be gone! Tell your partner to remember how he or she felt when they got their first puppy or kitten and accepted it as part of the family. A baby will be more intense and the feeling will be complete love!

I have many friends who have adopted and their children might as well have been their biological children. some of my friends adopted children that actually resemble them and have the same personalities! It is amamzing really!

I wish you the best and congratulations in advance!

You will have saved a child and blessed them with your love.

Answer 3

I have both bio and adopted children.    The emotions I felt when the toddlers were placed in my arms were just as strong as when the bio babies were placed in my arms.  It doesn't matter when or how a child enters your family the emotions are the same, very intense.  I don't care that I didn't give birth to the girls just that they are part of my family.  Even though they are of a different race we forget that they are adopted.  They are all treated the same, loved the same or at least as much as is humanly possible.

Look at the love you have for nieces, nephews, friend's children.  Just imagine how much you can love a child that is not your own but is yours.

Answer 4

If she doesn't believe she can love an adopted child as much as a biological child, then the two of you are NOT ready to adopt.  These feelings can be very real to children who are adopted, and many adult feelings last throughout the life of the child.  It's not their fault, and they deserve better.  It's one of the reasons that so many adoptions go sour.

I love both of my sons in different ways.  My 19 year old, I gave birth to.  He has held that place in my heart for 18 years.  He is a wonderful young man, and loves his little brother.  

My youngest is 9 1/2 months old.  I am in such a better place in my life now, that  I am such a better mother in all ways.  I love both my boys whole heartedly, and would do anything for either of them.  My love for them is unconditional.  I love them each, and each has a part of me in them.  It doesn't matter whether it's biological or adoptive, because that piece is my heart, my love, and it's me who is the lucky one.  I'm so glad to be a part of their lives, and I hope they each get as much enjoyment out of having me for a mom as I get having them for my children.

Answer 5

Yes you could have a bio child and adopt as well. That is if you partner could love both children equally if not then you all should not adopt.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting a biolgoical child but it just sort of crashes against someone who does have a desire to have a natural child. It be like two people being together 1 wanting children, the other does not want kids doesn’t but they don’t express that until they are already married or in a serious committed relationship

Excuse me but if you are homosexual then you would have to adopt your partners child anyway so then you sort of both get what you want

Answer 6

i KNOW this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to listen to her.  if this is TRUELY how she feels about the situation, then she's right.  she might not love the child like she would a biological one.  there might be some resentment.  i DOUBT it would actually play out that way...i'd think it's safe to say that she would love an adopted child as her own.  but, you have to both agree on the decision.  and don't you cave, either...don't give in to having a child if you don't want to.  you guys need to weigh the pros and cons of each situation and come to a comprise.  arriving at the decision together as opposed to either one just giving up the fight will be best for your relationship.

Answer 7

Well, I don't have adopted children, but I have a niece and nephew who were adopted.  I can tell you that I think of them no differently than I do my other nieces and nephews.  I love them just as much and am just as protective of them.

Answer 8

some people want/love children because they have generous hearts.  some people want children for weird reasons i don't understand.  i WOULD NOT let your wife adopt a child, i'm sorry.  if she doesn't have enough heart to love a child regardless of whether or not it came from her, then i wouldn't have any child with her to be honest.  so she has a biological child, does she love one more than the other because of the way it looks or acts, etc.  i'm not saying everyone should adopt, but people should love children unconditionally meaning love them for the sake of loving them and that's it.

*edit: my mom has a biological daughter, step daughter, and me who's last, and adopted.  she wasn't forced into adoption which it seems like you're trying to do.  if she won't love an adopted child, then she just won't.

Answer 9

Some can love and care for a child as if they gave birth to them without  a problem, while respecting the fact that the child has another family.

I admire some one who admits that that may not be able to do it, and refrain from adopting. If her heart isn't in it then it's probably not best for her to adopt

Answer 10

If your partner has any thoughts about the adopted child not being her "REAL" baby- I would not adopt at this time.  Because I can tell you what that does to an adopted child, if they have a problem with self-esteem.  I am adopted and never heard that from anyone that I was not my parents real baby- but my hubby and I decided to adopt due to some health issues, and my mom in law basically said "how could you adopt, you would not be that child's real dad"- to my hubby.  that upset me for months, until I realized the source- ignorance.  Do not subject your adopted child to someone who says" I don't think I could love an adopted child like a biological child"-

If this is meant to be she will come around though.

Answer 11

FIRST:  What makes you "finally ready to become parents"?

If she has any hesitations you should respect them.  Those feelings are very real for lots of people and are transmitted to the children.  I wouldn't advise it.  

An adopted child won't be hers as much as a biological child.  It won't have her genetics, her biology.  It will be someone else's child too.  It will have another set of parents.

There are both biological and adopted and relinquished children in my extended family.  No matter everyone's efforts to be inclusive and fair, it is strange and different.

There are lots of ways to be creative, to nurture and to contribute to society.  Separating children from their mothers is not one of them.

Answer 12

Well I certainly don't feel like my parents "real" child - and I know that they care about their biological child much moreso then they care about me. It sucks to be the child in that situation - I wouldn't recommend it for anyone.

Answer 13

I just want to say BOO to JSK.

Thanks for comparing me to a puppy or a kitten you insensitive twit.

Look.  Adoption is a necessary thing.  I get that.  But if your partner is having doubts, then it's probably not the best idea.  It's one thing if you both know what you want, but it's in the best interest of your future children for both of you to be on board before you go ahead with it.

I know this isn't what you WANT to hear... but it is a pretty good idea.  And who knows, maybe your partner will change her mind after she has some time to think about all of your options.

Answer 14

It took my husband awhile to come around to that same thing and finally go for adoption. Since he had more time off than me he took the first three months off to be with the baby and I took the second three months off. He really bonded with Gabe and four years later still talks about that time and how he really got to connect with him and be with him just him and GAbe. It fun to see the mannerisms they both have how they hold their arms and hands when they talk etc. He has never regretted adopting Gabe and we were fournate to finally conceive times two and my husband feels no difference between any of my childern. Gabe has been a blessing and I wouldn't change a thing.

Answer 15

JSK - comparing babies to puppies and kittens?  Hmmm.....

I wonder if I could love an adopted baby as much as I love my goldfish....?

Answer 16

I have a biological son and another baby on the way and i know what it means to a woman to carry a child for 9 months.  Im not saying that she would love an adopted child any less but if its important to her then i think you should accept that she would like a baby that is biologically hers.  On the flip side i am also considering adoption at a later date and am sure that i will love my adopted child just as much as my biological children (my partner and i feel the same on this issue which is a bonus).  Would you consider having one biological child and one adopted as i think that works for both parties and is a fair compromise.  I hope that you and your partner can come to an agreement.  All the best!!

Answer 17

Well...  I have two different viewpoints.  I was a biolical child of parents who adopted.  My adopted brothers are also mentally retarded, my biological brothers are gifted children (as was I) so it's a bit hard to tell how much of my feelings for my brothers come from biology, and how much from a more similar world view.  I can tell you that, for me, I am CLOSER to my biological brothers - but I don't know that I really LOVE them any more, as much as it is that I can just relate to them better.  My adopted brothers are 7 months younger than me and 2 years younger than me.  Then I have biological brothers 5 years younger, 9 years younger, and 13 years younger than me.  I'm actually closest to the two youngest brothers...  so another component may be that I simply find it easier to be close to the brothers I never had to compete with for affection when I was a child.  

Then, when I was 21 I met my (now ex) husband.  He already had a daughter from a previous marriage who moved in with us when she was 2.  Since before that she'd been living with her paternal grandparents, I was the first person she ever really identified as "mommy".  She was very sick when she moved in with us with what turned out to be cancer.  Her doctors in California had been unable to diagnose her, which is one reason we took our relationship so quickly and moved her in with us so rapidly.  We wanted to get her here to different (and hopefully better) doctors.  Well, that part paid off.  Before she'd been with us for two months we'd gotten her diagnosis...  the scary part is that if she'd gone undiagnosed for even a few more weeks, the tumor would have squeezed shut her renal artery - a fatal condition.  In a very real way, me being in her life helped to save it, since without me she would never have moved to Texas, and likely died because of the incompetent doctors she had been seeing due to California State Childrens Medical Insurance.  

Even after her diagnosis, surgery, and remission - she was still a very ill little girl.  The cancer had done severe damage to her nervous system, and she could neither walk nor talk and needed alot of therapy.  Her father and I had decided to have another child before she even came to live with us, because I felt that if we waited too long to have another baby, she would always feel like an oddball in the family.  She already wouldn't be my biological child, I didn't want her to feel like she wasn't a REAL part of the family by having half a decade or more between her and our "other children".  When she was 2 and a half my son was born.  By then my relationship with her father had already become somewhat strained.  It's not surprising given how fast we had moved our relationship along, his unique mental state, the fact that there was a chance that his exposure to certain chemicals before his daughter was conceived may have caused her cancer, and the alarming statistic that 4 out of 5 (that's 80%) of couples with special needs children split up.  My ex had FINALLY found a job right before my son was born, but it was working nights.  I was struggling with post partum depression and trying to take care of a severly handicapped 2 and a half year old and a newborn while recovering from the vaginal birth of a 9 pound 9 ounce baby.  About three days after comming home I was so frazzled and so overwhelmed that I was just SURE I couldn't do it.  I got online and researched adoption placements....  it wasn't my step-daughter I was looking for.  It never EVER crossed my mind to give her up, I was too attached.  It was the son of my body that I considered sending away for the sake of both the kids.  

I didn't do it in the end...  couldn't do it.  Instead, we ended up moving out of our apartment and into a single bedroom in my parents house so that they could help me cope with both kids when my ex was working.  (It was actually rather dangerous for us to be alone, since while recovering from the birth I wasn't supposed to lift anything heavier than 10 lbs - and my stepdaughter couldn't walk.)  In the end - things with my ex didn't work out.  When my son was 7 weeks old, he almost died from a bronchial infection and never really could shake it.  We went through months having him evaluated for potentially life threatening diseases because his breathing was so bad...  in the end it turned out it was just really REALLY bad (and and extremely early manifestation) Asthma - but the months of watching him turn blue around the lips with every cough - breathing treatments every 4 hours, etc.  Between the terror and stress of having two ill children, living with my parents, and other things - my ex had what I can only assume was a total psychotic breakdown.  One day (after we'd finally moved into our own little rented house strangely enough ) he just left and never came home.  He did eventually call though, and the things he'd say on his phone calls chilled me to the bone.  He didn't sound safe to leave a child with, but he kept threatening to come and pick up his daughter.  He kept threatening to call the cops and say I kidnapped her.  He wouldn't sign papers for her to go to school or get her therapy.  So, I had to make the hardest decision I ever made...  to protect her, I had to give her up.  I had to call her grandparents to come and get her, because I had no way to make sure she was taken care of, and no way to prevent handing her over to a father who had already proven that in a temper he was dangerous to her.  

She wasn't my "real" daughter - but I loved her just as much as if she was.  It ripped my heart to shreds to lose her.  The only solace I had was that because her brother had been born of my body, they didn't take him as well....  even so, it wasn't much comfort when I had to watch the first child to ever call me "mommy" drive away.  

I still have some contact with her - however limitted it may be.  Looking back and considering my feelings now, I can honestly tell you that a child you didn't birth is NOT exactly like one that you did.  There are some differences.  You don't get to have the memories of them moving in your belly (then again, fathers never get that).  You don't get to look at them and see your features in their faces.  When someone looks at a picture of them and tells you "oh, look, she has your eyes" or "Oh, that's definitely mommy's smile" - you can't really take exactly the same kind of pride in it - and eventually you get the comments like, "Oh, she looks so different from you, I bet she's a spitting image of dad".  (Though to be fair, since I looked nothing like my mother, SHE got those comments too).  Thus, the way you love them, the way you feel about them, it's not exactly the same.  But it doesn't make the love you have for them any less....  and because of that, it doesn't make them any less a "real" child.  In some ways, they're even more real.  For instance, with my son, I'll never have the memory of the first time he clung to me as the only security in a world that just turned upside down - the way I did with his sister.  With him, I'll never know the pure love of taking care of a child JUST because you love the child, just because the child is such a precious part of the world that you can't let them go.  After all, if I abandoned or neglected my son, then there would be legal reprocussions for me.  With her, I could have walked away at any point at all, and I wouldn't have been neglecting anything.  I had no externally placed responsibility for her.  Instead, it was love alone that bound us together - that still binds me to her even when it is painful for me to constantly be reminded of everything.  

Just because things are different doesn't make them any less.  Maybe your partner isn't ready for that.  If not, then don't force the issue....  it is possible for single moms to adopt these days.  Maybe you should adopt as a single mother the first time, and tell her she has no more responsibility for the child than that of an aunt....  soon, I believe, she'll not settle for that role.  She'll be that child's second mother because she'll feel the bond.  At that point, I doubt she'll have any more questions in her heart about "REAL" motherhood....  espescially if pregnancy for her is as dangerous as it sounds.

Answer 18

i was adopted @ 41/2 and look nothing like my parents. my dad didnt want 2 adopt, but my mom didnt want 2 have a child, at risk of it being like her father. i have a large family that looks very different from me, and is all birth children. im one of 7 adopted kids in my entire town, and my life couldnt be better. my parents and family are also glad they made the decision, and im glad becuz i probably wouldnt still be alive if i hadnt been put up for adoption, as well as been adopted. i dont feel like an adopted child, but like the birth child who shares the genes of Great-Aunt Winifred, who no one else looks like.

Answer 19

Quite honestly, your question bothers me on many levels!  I was adopted and placed a child for adoption, who since has located me.

What is this "but it's not my REAL baby" business?

I would honestly suggest your partner NOT adopt a child with that mentality!!!!  A child is a CHILD, a human being and the whole concept of adopting a child is about nurturing, loving and cherishing that child.

In my personal situation, I was treated differently my entire life while the "biological" children were treated just the opposite! Most recently my mother introduced me as "her adopted daughter"....and I am 40!!  It was as though she has given me a swift kick to the stomach. I constantly question why she ever adopted a child she mistreated and does not recognize as "her child"!  

For the sake of any child that may possibly be adopted  by your partner....do that child a favor first....get your partner into counseling and figure out why her thinking is so skewed. You will not only be doing a child a huge favor, you will also be doing one for your partner.

No child needs to come into a home feeling they are not loved, wanted or treated that they are a 2nd class citizen. It's unfair for all concerned!!!

I wish you the very best!!