The second part of my Light Novel?

Question

-From all I know Poland is very friendly with the USA so I doubt this

will voilate our souverenighty-I commented

-Thats right from all the US allies Poland were the first to join in

in our heroical struggle for freedom and Liberty in our begginings a

Polish General came to us to help us to fight for our freedom his name

was Tadeuss Kosciusco he created the Westpoint and is a co founder of

our defence strategy !!!-Said Mr Aoron

-Well it was almost like that-I commented

-Well gotta go-Said Mr Aoron and just as he came he dissapeared !

-Adleast he knows whats he is doing !-Said Lilly

-Well he is a spy for the biggest empire on earth isnt he ! But How do

they enter my house just like that theyre not even demons !- I

commented

-Are you sure of that ?-Said Lilly

-Of course I can sense even a tiny paranormal activity and I dont feel

anything of such sort from these Americans-I commented

-Theyre human than I cannot sense anything either !-said Lilly

-Well one of thoose secrets of espionage I guess anyways theire our

friends they have permission to do what they want !-I said it

Meanwhile in another dimension in the afterworld Megacivilisation

there was an intense fight in the darkest corners of this Cosmical

Civilisation !

Someone shooted and threw Knifes but Demonica just simply bypassed all of this !

-You're not thinking of finishing me off that easilly you Hellish scum

!-said Demonica

-Curse you Guardian ! Do you think I can be beaten by such a scum

serving the God ! Think again !-said an unknown Criminal

-Severine Igliossos I accuse you of killing the guards from the town

of ciliss on the planet Retrose,raping the tennagers in the territory

of Hellish Planet AMEBA acting in treason against THE Megacyvilisation

! Threating the life of State officcials ! Killing 1945 Guardians of

Megacyvilisation ! Selling Druggs without Permission Robberies of

Banks Blackmail Spying for organisations directly connected with

Belzebub. Threating the lifes of Guardians of The Megacivilisation and

indangering their operations !

IM CALLING YOU TO SURRENDER !-Yelled Demonica !!!

-**** You ***** !-said Severine

-********* Leon write the report accordingly with the operation which

was suppose end with capturing the criminal Severine Iglossios I

regretfully inform that becuse of mine Actions of Demonica the

Guardian of Megacivilisation the suspect died while in procedure-Said

Demonica

-Mum he is a live !-said Leon

-WRITE IT DOWN IT WILL BE MUCH SAFER FOR YOU LEON !-SAID REALLY HYPER

ANGRY DEMONICA

And than she attacked Severine he died !

-Poor fool !-said Leon

while submitting his raport !

-So he died These kinda operations force me to visit the local Bar

lets go Leon lets drink for the sadness of this crappy Job-Said

Demonica

-Right Mum-Said Leon

And they left for a near Bar Demonica ofcourse assumed the first place

near the Bar !

-a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT of VODKA please !-yelled Demonica

Leon was placed next to his mother to them came a man fourty year old !

-Can I sit with you !-Said the man

-You really wish to be killed ....-said Demonica

-Father !?!?!-said shocked Leon

-Dude a lot of VOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODKA for this c**p

of a guy here !-Said Demonica

-So it wasnt a councidence such a violent battle it had to be you

!!!!-said Leon's Father

-Ithink you're mistaken Im Muddest and calm you know -said Demonica

-You wish-said Leon

-DID YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU SAYYYYYYYYYY

SOMETHING-yelled Demonica to Leon

-No nothing-said Leon terrified

-Well You're doing pretty well considering her character you should be

long Dead !-said Leon's Father

-No its notthat terrible im happy I got to meet her im helping her

with her work but what are you doing here ?-Said Leon

-When i died and landed in that Palace of God after the whole mess

with the dyiung thing I decided to go for a journey in Pursuit of more

happier life !-Said Leon's Father

-So how did you end up in this bar?-said Leon

-This Bar has everything the best from life a lot Vodka Cards and

girls ohnestly what does the man need from life -Said Leon's father

-I could kill for that ! But considering that Im a demon I guess I

understand you So you're still a uselles Drunk the same as you were

during your life eech maybe its notyour time yet-said Demonica

-What do I need more from life Why pursuit some usseless thing which

are usseless-said Leon's father

-You never thought about a just work-Said Leon

-Im not steeling here !-said Leon's Father

-Well there are people you wont change Leon we need to go !-said Demonica

-Well being see you father we need to leave ! I need to submit that

report !-Said Leon

-Well isnt this work anoying-Said Demonica

And payed and were Leaving

-Dema Promise me with Leon that you will never give up on doing the

things you like !-said Leon's Father

-The same to you-Said Demonica

Together with Leon they left the place !

Meanwhile at my house !

-N

Answer 1

Alright, here is my opinion:

I still think that you should chance the dialogues into quotation marks, at least for when you post up a chapter online. Since the story is in English, I think it should follow the English rules for grammar and punctuation. If it was in Polish, it should follow the Polish rules for grammar and punctuation. One or the other, not both. You would probably get a few more readers if it was easier to read… meaning good grammar and stuff.

Yes, I understand that you may clear out a few things as the chapter goes on. Many authors leave a character mysterious and it’s okay to do that. What I meant by it was that you made the readers really confused by introducing all of them at once. As of this moment, I really don’t need their history, their personal background of anything, but I do need to know what they look like and how they are connected to each other.

Why I said that I needed to know what they look like was because well… When I read stories, I enjoy it when I can get attached to the story. I want to be able to imagine in my head what the character looks like, how they act. With enough detail it would be nice if I could imagine bit by bit about what is going on. To do this, you can read some books and see how the authors describe them.

Another thing about how the characters connect to each other. This doesn’t really have to be explained till later on but how do I explain this… It just gets really confusing when you introduce all of them at once. You, the author, may know who they are, what they look like, and know what is going on, but we, the readers, don’t. (LOL! So many commas.) And it’s your job to guide us through the story. I know I didn’t explain this part well but I really don’t know how to explain it. Just keep in mind that the only things we know are what you have written down.

A few question about the characters I had when I read through this: Who is Lilly? Who is The Cat? Who is Mr. Aoron? Who is Demonica? Who is Leon? Who is Dr. Olchiward? Who is the main character? You see? I have so many question that I can’t even concentrate on what is going on in the story. It’s okay to leave characters mysterious but… I don’t know how to explain this… Umm… It just sounds like that you yourself don’t know how the characters are supposed to be like. Their personalities are kind of undeveloped. I know that just by reading part of the first chapter won’t tell me much but usually I understand part of it.

And also, your dialogues are very confusing. Like, what is Mystica's plan? Once again, it’s alright to leave things mysterious but in this case, it sounds confusing more than anything else. Like I said, you may know everything but we the readers only know what is written down… and what we conclude from reading the story.

The plot is important. Give us describing words. Okay, this is his house. What is the house like? Messy? How many rooms? And about the time you talk about the dimension, where is it? Is it dark? Are there planets? Who lives there?

Once again, my mind is so filled with questions and I have to stop to think. This makes it very unsatisfying for the reader.

An another piece of advice, when you explain something, make it discrete. Don’t make it blunt. For an example below:

Her hair is brown.

This was pretty blunt and the reader automatically knows that you are trying to feed them information, which at times is okay but…

In any case, my opinion is pretty long so I’m going to end it here. And I’ll make this clear. This is just my opinion. I’m just telling you what I think about your story. You don’t have to listen to all the stuff I told you. I’m not trying to change your writing style nor am I telling you how to write, I’m just merely telling you what I think can improve your writing.

By the way, I didn’t mean to be harsh in this. And also, practice makes perfect. Keep on writing. I know that I didn't explain this well so if you are confused about something, let me know in the additional details. = )