The song I wrote for my fiance, any advice, comments?

Question

I wrote this song for my fiancee (I'm an aspiring writer)

Do you think it's good? Will she like it?

Havn't thought of a name, any Ideas?

Much appreciated.

The sun comes out just to see your face

The moon: to illuminate your grace

The wind: to take my breath away

Because you..

M-Make it that way

I found my way into your heart

I fell real hard

I can't get up

I'm trying oh so hard..

But it all just falls apart

It's 4 AM I can't stay still

I toss and turn against my will

Knowing that you're so far

Far away from..

Me

These sleepless nights that last 'til dawn

Haunt me with images of when you're gone

And all the pain I cannot face

When I think that someone may take my..

Place

My Heart slows down

And then speeds up

You're like a drug

I can't give up

My life, all it does is change

Each new day, a different place..

I cry myself asleep

I cry myself.. awake

This fight has lasted three long days

The things you said, you cannot change

It hurts...

It stings..

I found my way into your heart

I fell real hard

I can't get up

I'm trying oh so hard..

But it all just falls apart

I fell so hard I hit my head

Laying here, I'm almost dead

Looking up at you...

Looking down at me

I won't close my eyes

I won't give up

I'll lay right here,

I'll lay with you

I'm not alone,

I know it's true

You lay with me

I feel your heart

I hear it's cry

I know it's hurt

So let me ease the pain,

let me ease the pain

..tonight

Answer 1

its good she'll cry

Answer 2

AWWWWW, MARRY ME!

lol

Answer 3

Very nice song.  How about you name it after her.  

Answer 4

Keep writing is very good, however you should make it shorter.

You lay with me, and I feel your heart

I hear it's cry, but I don't know why

but let me easy the pain, I know it hurt

I'm here to comfort you, because

you are my  precious butterfly

I think your writing is pretty good.  I don't know if you like what I wrote.

Answer 5

Lovely.... she wud love you even more after hearing this :)

good luck.

Answer 6

I can't tell if it's a nice song because it has no melody or rhythm. It's an average poem though...

Answer 7

I really think the lyrics are poetic and beautiful.  I'm not crazy about the following 2 lines, though:

"I fell so hard I hit my head

Laying here, I'm almost dead"

Somehow they are not as cohesive as the rest of the lines.  Everything else flows together harmoniously.  

In terms of a song title, I prefer short or one word titles for love songs.  Maybe something like:  4 a.m., Sleepless, I fell, etc.  

Good luck, you really have talent.   Will you be adding music so we can hear it on you tube?

Answer 8

It's a little long, but so is Bob Dylan's Hurricane; and Stairway to Heaven, but it's still really good!

PS. When you write you don't have to do this: Because you..

M-Make it that way. (You only do that when your singing)

PS. The title should be: You're My World

Answer 9

ok, coming from a songwriters perspective, here are some criticisms.

the line, you make it that, makes no sense because you never explain it. the rest of that verse is good.

The whole second verse/chorus needs to be redone mainly because it's focus is trying to find a way out of her heart. You should focus on loving her out of your love for her, not because you can't escape.

Is she far from you? If so, ok, if not, change all that. Sounds like a redemption song, too much pain. Pain is not the only emotion you know. To make an emotional song, you can express love without pain. The last few verses aren't logical. It doesn't show love, but only a struggle to keep living. Show love, express yourself, don't say stuff to sound like a songwriter.

Some tips:

express your true feelings, don't make any stories up to feel more like a creative person.

few verses and one or two choruses MAX. that's too long of a lyrical story line and it is not cohesive.

So create a scene that is answered or embraced in the chorus and builds with each verse, so at the end, it culminates into a total synergistic feeling of love.

Hope your not mad at my remarks.  

Answer 10

That's so sweet it makes me wanna cry. Have a box of tissues for her.

Answer 11

good song

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http://www.deepakgiria.blogspot.com/