The term "real" mother?

Question

Do you use the term "real" mother for the biological? I'm an adoptive mother and I feel real sad to be considered the "fake" mother. I mean, if somethings not real, it's fake no matter what the situation is. Oh, or I guess I could be the phony mother. How many adoptive mothers feel the same way I do? I love my kids and don't go around saying "Oh, they aren't my real kids" That sounds so obsurd!

Answer 1

As a mother, I know why people are sensitive to this issue.  Because, while giving birth certainly makes you a mother, it does not make you a Parent.  Parenting consists of 24hr around the clock care and responsibility.   It is utterly  exhausting in every way.  Yes in the middle of the fevers, and visits to emergency rooms, tantrums, and teen rebellion there is joy.... but a lot of hard work goes into it.  While being a bio mom is a honorable thing which comes with its own set of struggles,  ones that should not be ever discredited...it is not the same thing as parenting.  It just isn't.  

I will get many thumbs down for this as this is not the politically correct thing to say.  But I'll say it again, giving birth is simply not the same thing as parenting.  I think that this distinction is often lost in many responses.  I think that is why you are feeling frustrated.

My Parents are those who raised me and put in the work.  My bio-parents are the ones who created me and gave birth to me and I honor them for their sacrifices.

Answer 2

as a mother who gave a child up for adoption, i don't think of my daughter adoptive parents any less of a parent than i am.  In fact i would want my daughter to grow up knowing that yes i gave birth to her but her real parents are the ones raising her and had i had more help i would be raising her but lets not get into that here.

I am happy to say that my daughter parents care for her like any parent would and i don't think of myself.......

My daughters happiness is what ultimately comes first.  Although i have had children since her birth i don't regret letting a family who could not have kids after 10yrs of trying adopt her as their own.

They are indeed her real parents and i feel kind of like i was surrogate for them because this was destined to happen and i'm glad i was able to bring joy to their lives.

Answer 3

You are their mom in no uncertain terms.  There is a difference to me between a mother and father and a mom and dad. Mom and dad are the ones who are there with you through thick and thin, good and bad. The ones who taught you values and morals these are your mom and dad. To me (just how I perceive it) there are my bio-parents and then there is my mom and dad.

Answer 4

I have stated in the past that I really don't care what she calls me as long as she continues to call me. There are so many choices these days. It was an absolute given back in the 70's that when you signed the papers on the CLOSED adoption that you were relinquishing that title forever to someone else. You didn't get a title. You didn't get any options as to what you might like to be refered to as from now on. You went home empty handed and that was it.

As far as how I feel about that, I wanted someone to take her. I wanted someone to treat her like their own. I wanted someone to be proud to be her parents. That's why I gave her to them. My only wish now is that I could relay to them how much sheer relief  they have given me. I didn't wonder what she looked like near as much as I did that she was okay. My hardest thoughts, (when I allowed them) were did she get the same life she would have had here, abuse, or worse, was she murdered because she cried too much or got into things too often.  After 28 years of "is she still alive and not abused" I couldn't care less what she calls me as long as she continues to call. As for her parents. I'm sticking to the papers I signed. That title belongs to them and I am more than happy to give it seeing the job they did.

Answer 5

The 'real' mother is the one who loves and provides ongoing care for the child.

I prefer 'biological' or 'birth' mother.

Don't ever doubt that you are your children's real mother!

Answer 6

I am the mother of six children, five adopted from birth and one pregnancy at age 44.  I love all my children equally.

I have always said, and will continue to say, that the meaning of the word "mother" should be changed.   Mother should mean the woman who loves the baby from the start, who cares for the baby through sickness and in health. That makes school lunches, drives them to games. Attends concerts, listen to their questions, tuck them in at night etc. etc.]

Mother should not mean being pregnant with a child, unless the above actions are part of the childs future.

What does the word "real": mean.  It means the lifelong choice of loving and caring for a child, or caring for that childs children.     Getting pregnant and carrying a child for 9 months do not make that young woman a mother.  

These are thoughts that my children have passed on to me when they are asked who their "real" mother is.  They point to me and say, that their "mother" could not be more real than me.

I am thankful that the women who carried my children, gave them a change for a good life, but I would not call them Mothers and definitely not real mothers.  I am a real mother and have been for 43 years.

Answer 7

The amount of emotions and fears wrapped up into the mother/child relationship gets a bit overwhelming.  I think there is a bit too much drama loaded up into the titles and I find it troublesome that we seem to get so wrapped up in protecting our status to the detriment to the other person.

Just because I exist does not make the mother raising my son not real.  She is an important part of my son's life and to state that she isn't is ridiculous.

Just because she exists does not make me, the biological/natural/first mother to my son not real.  I am an important part of my son's life because of the genetics and the biological tradition being passed on to him.  I may not have the privelege of being able to raise him, but I am real.

Both of us are his mother.  Sure she is called "Mom" and I am called his "birthmother" but really because we exist does not invalidate the other.  We are his mothers and we are different.

Answer 8

Well I have a mom who is my step mom and my real mom...my situation is a little different. If you are the only one around then you will be the mom and thats how it will always be. But if the real mom is around then she is the mom and you will never take her place. that doesn't mean they wont love you and look up to you though.

Answer 9

Back when I did my search (1983), it was politically incorrect to use the terms "natural" or "real" because either one implied that the OTHER parents where "unnatural" or "unreal".  

In another question, almost all adoptees responded that their adoptive parents are their "real" parents, since they were the ones who raised us. I have always held this sentiment, and was happy to see others share my feelings on the topic.  When someone asks me about my "real" parents, I reply, "you mean the ones who raised me?"

However, that's more an answer for the adoptee to offer. Adoptive parents can unintentionally sound a bit defensive when they claim they are the child's "real" parents.  Your child will know you're his or her "real" parent.  But of course, that doesn't mean his/her first mom is fake, either.

As for the "birth" parents, it's a term many adoptees don't like today.  I like the term "first" family best.  

Good luck to you and your family!

Answer 10

i dont stress over the terminology, i do however consider my mom/real mother to be the woman that raised me. she is my mom. and always wil be. my birthmother is my mother too, but in a different way. she is by far my best friend. but i can not and will not call her mom. that is reserved for the one that nurtured me.

dont get me wrong, i love and appreciate everything my birhtmother has given me. in my eyes she is as close to a saint as the world has ever seen. i am proud of her in every way. but i can not give her that title. its more of a respect thing in my eyes. others call their bio family mom and dad, if it works for them and all are comfortable with it, then go with it.

just in response to maureen (above) i can not disagree with you more. i respect your opinion, but in my life a parent gives for their children. they provide and support. my birthmother gave me more than i can put into words here. she provided stability and love for me and gave me the chance to have the support i needed growing up. all at the expense of herself. if that kind of selfless deed doesnt make her a 'mother' then no one in this world is worthy of that title. not all birthmothers are like her, i understand that, but to make a general statement as you did is unfair.

each side of the tirad deserves its own respect, and diminishing the person that carried the child to nothing serves justice to anyone. we are all in this together.

Answer 11

All four of my parents are real.  I call my "biologicals" my first parents and the ones who raised me my adoptive parents.

I share your objection to calling one set of parents or another "real".  They all four made me who I am today.  None of them are fake people.  And when I was little, it hurt my feelings to be asked "Couldn't your parents have any real kids?"

I'm real too, darnit!

Answer 12

You are the real mother. I have the utmost respect for you. The one who parents is the real mother.

Answer 13

All my parents are "real" parents.  I bristle whenever anyone suggests that either my adoptive or my first parents aren't real.

Answer 14

i call my adoptive mother my "real" mother.  because she is my real mother.  i don't know any other mother.   my biological mother is just that, my biological mother.  Shes the one that gave me life so i can be with my "real" mother.

Answer 15

Yes I do.  Both my mothers, biological and adoptive are 'real'

Answer 16

As an adoptee I use to take offense when people would ask about my 'real' mother as to me my 'real' mother is the one that adopted me & raised me.

My 'biological' mother is not my 'real' mother.  But people don't know better & will ask about your 'real' mother, referring to the biological parent & I will correct them.

Answer 17

Lemme say this: my brother calls his REAL mom his REAL mom -- his adoptive mother. He calls his biological the 'bio mom' like she was just there to 'donate to his biology' (he said that once in HS and I never forgot it.

My mom hated when people would call her the 'other mom' not the one that actually counted, she would cry from it sometimes, and it killed her.

I'm gonna share this story w/ you real quick: I was dragged to go to parent-teacher conferences once, and my brothers teacher said 'oh so your *just* his adoptive mother?' and my brother gave his teacher the nastiest look and said 'No not JUST my adoptive mother, my only mom, the one who I got my crappy math skills from - they had to come from SOMEWHERE!' That made my mom smile, and the teacher went bright red, I'll never forget it. And my -our- mom gladly admitted she has no math skills and wrapped her arm around my brother who got embarrassed (typical 15 yr old guy lol!)

Answer 18

YOU are the real mother and don't let people say it any differently.

I am a birth mother and i have no issue with crediting the adoptive mother as the 'real' mother.  She will be the one who is there when their child cries, she will see him off to school, she will provide the love and care when needed.  That is a 'real' mother and the is yourself also :)

I provided a child for a family who were infertile and know that they are the 'real' parents who should never have that taken away from them :)

x

Answer 19

As an adoptee, this particular debate has always seemed strange to me.  Would you ever ask a parent which child is the most real:  the one you love the most?  the one that looks most like you?  the one name after you?  the one you've had the longest?  We recognize that this is an absurd question for parents.  Yet we continue to ask it of adoptees.

I believe that I have four parents, all of them are real--since none of them is imaginary.  Each has played an important part in my life.

Answer 20

I agree with you, just because you did not give birth to your child does not make you any less of a 'real' mother. I prefer the terms "biological mother", or "tummy mummy" for younger children. :)