The two reasons most PAPs want to adopt internationally?

Question

are, according to Newsweek magazine;

"Most adoptive parents have two goals: finding a child young enough not to remember his or her biological parents, and avoiding bureaucratic delays."

Do you agree? Are these good reasons? What is the perceived advantage of a child 'not remembering' their parents?

http://www.newsweek.com/id/100658

Answer 1

I am curious exactly how many PAPs they actually spoke too. All of the ones I know IRL and online have never mentioned either of these reasons for adopting internationally.

I have heard of quite a number of parents who have hired private investigators to try and track down their child's first parents because they knew how important it would be for their child. And many (us included) parents basically bombarded our children's caretakers with questions as some foster parents (China) do sometimes know more than they tell, including knowing who and where the child's first family are. We unfortunately were not so lucky.

As to your question about good reasons... NO those are NOT good reasons to adopt internationally. The first one is ludicrous. While they many not have an actual memory of what their first parents look like or anything about their personality, they DO KNOW they exist and they will ALWAYS think about them. My daughter (3) has decided that her mama (what we use as that's the Chinese word for mom) is a fairy princess. The only advantage (if you can call it that) is that she gets to make up a fantasy where her mama can be anyone she wants her to be. She's very young now so I let her enjoy her incredible imagination. When she is older I am hoping we can have some great conversations about who she really thinks she is.

And the "avoiding bureaucratic delays" seems ridiculous as well. Perhaps not so much delays, but my government's rules and red-tape make the process much harder than it needs to be. For instance, insisting that PAPs child-proof their home (under inspection) when they are about 2+ years away from referral.

The top 2 reasons we adopted internationally is because: A. At the time China was a pretty quick and efficient process; B. Life in a Chinese orphanage was dire and the children needed families.

Answer 2

I do not entirely agree that they want the child to not remember his or her bio-family. I think it is more that the conditions especially in Russian/Romanian and Chinese orphanages are terrible and they would rather have a younger child who is less likely to be as traumatized.

Bureaucracy: I think that is crazy too. International adoptions are full of bureaucracy and you have to stay over there. However once you leave there is almost no possibility of the bio-parents coming for the baby or trying to assert their rights and that is comforting to some. I am not an a-mom but I know most of the ones I know have a fear that one day the bio-parents will show up on their doorstep.

I think an advantage of a child not remembering their bio-parents is that the feeling of abandonment is a bit less. If the bio-parents are a mystery then it is less clear that they abandoned the adoptee child because there are many possibilities that exist for the child`s adoption including that the parents were ill or dead.

Answer 3

Hi Sunny,

I am only speaking for myself here.  We carefully selected an agency that supported maintaining a relationship with the First Families.  You are expected to drive to and meet with the first family before you are allowed to see your child.  Every six months we are obligated to send a letter and at least 8 photos to the Ethiopian Government which later gets sent to the First Family.

We have been through both domestic and international adoptions and the international adoption took much longer.  Dealing with two governments extended the wait time greatly, it took 13 months for a toddler adoption.

I do not agree with the reasons you listed as good reasons to adopt.  Honestly, those thoughts did not cross our minds.  Our motivations for our second adoption was that  1) we wanted to become parents again and 2) we wanted to adopt a sibling who looked like our first child.  We had done our research with transracial adoption and knew it was important to adopt two children of the same ethnic background.  

We tried domestic adoption for 4 yrs.  We tried foster care but we were told we had too many children too close together.  So we filed for international and domestic at the same time choosing which ever happened first.  International adoption just happened first after another years wait.

Answer 4

I agree with the "avoiding bureaucratic delays" part.  I adopted a baby from Guatemala because I wanted to be a parent to a baby as young as possible to experience as much of their life with them as I could- not so he'd never remember his natural family.  

And through Guatemala, it was (then) a common set of courts and procedures (Guatemalan social worker, Guatemalan family court, PGN, USCIS, etc.) to go through plus a DNA test.  Everything generally ran smoothly.  Now some greedy low-life child-trafficking b@st@rds, who hid behind the system and out of radar for so long for their own profit, and who need to be hung for baby stealing and destroying families have ruined what was a good system.

The first part I find amusing.  It's a statement of opinion- by the article's author and nothing more.  No facts behind it.  Talk about biased and irresponsible reporting. I don't think that's an accurate statement to say, "MOST adoptive parents...".  Do you believe EVERYTHING you read?  There may be some APs who feel this, but I know...  personally know, about 100 families who would say otherwise.  These families are all in one region of my state.  At that rate, statistics would show that the ridiculous statement in that article is more of a rarity.

----

Darthfan, my son was technically 7 months old when I brought him home.  I know many other families who children were between 4-7 months old.  Now that the Hague has come along, the children who ae placed in adoption will now have to wait longer and unfortunately not remember their natural family at all- but the h**l they may go through in some orphanage.

Answer 5

Yes, I agree 100% with the facts of the article.

I think they are horrible reasons, highly unethical and borderline criminal.

The perceived advantage is simple, they want a child to think and feel they are their mothers/fathers and not their adopted parents. Its just about the a-parents and their insecurities and inability to have a child or more children of their own. I wouldn't expect much honesty here. Denial is running rampant within the adoption business.  

I know not all AP's and Paps are like this but too, too many are.

Edit: In Guate they are estimating that 2/3 of the adoptions were illegal, including those that had "DNA" testing done. Its that corrupt. Thanks to fraudulant papers of DNA tests they are investigating 80 unethical attorney's.

Answer 6

These reasons stink on ice.  They boil down to "I want to pretend I gave birth to this kid, and I want to pretend that NOW."  I hope "most adoptive parents" are not really this selfish.  (Mine weren't.)

Also, you left out the "OMG, it is so trendy to have a kid that does not look like me now, strangers will congratulate me for rescuing it and it will always be grateful!" reason.

Answer 7

In my mind, the reason for wanting younger children is not so much in not remembering their parents but not remembering any bad things that might have happened in the giving up process or not having "baggage."  They assume its all easier on the child to grow up only knowing one set of parents.  That we don't mourn what we never knew. They just don't realize we are going to have the baggage anyway, no matter where we came from or what our age.  

Also I happen to think I have a lot to offer a child as a potential parent and I know that the first few years of development are VERY important to a child's mental development and by having the opportunity to make sure everything is as beneficial and conducive to their getting off to the best possible start when  it comes to being exposed to the widest variety of positive stimuli and learning situations from as young an age as possible, I would think I could give them a head start in fostering creativity and curiosity about the world.  I know my parents were taking me to world class museums and traveling internationally with me from a very young age and to this day I am fascinated with culture and have a drive to learn everything I can.  I realize I can't discount genetics in my personality but still I think my adoptive parents (I was adopted as an infant) had a lot to do with that too.  They also moved me to Holland when I was 1 and saw to it that I started right out bilingual which not enough Americans are these days.  Currently I am reading several thick nonfiction books and a good novel, teaching MYSELF Mandarin (including written Chinese)  I travel at will in China when I'm there for work and don't need translators or handlers (prolly need chaperone's though), don't mind trying all the funky food (the better looking my dinner date and the more TsingTao that flows the more likely I am to try something really crazy like water cockroaches or braised donkey though LOL) but I really do believe its my early exposure to a lot of things that lead to my getting where I am am and being so adaptable and comfortable in the world.  I want to give that to my children too.  ie, I have NO fear or innate dislike/discomfort of or with the different.  As I go through my life and meet new people I find thats actually, sadly, a very rare trait in this world, It is very important to me to be able to instill it in my children.

Lastly I think potential adoptive parents are worried about bonding issues.  Which is valid.  They don't know whats going to happen.  They want to be seen as the parents of their kids by their kids.  I totally understand that.  I think most people erroniously and unfairly give the PAPs a bum wrap by thinking its all just selfish motivation.  EVERYBODY does everything for selfish motivations though even a "true" altruist gets his warm fuzzies when he does good for others.  If they want a family (for them) it doesn't mean they don't also want to love and provide the best home for the child that they possibly can.  Its easy to sit back and throw stones at them when you can take your ability to make a family for granted.  The girl I'm with cant have any kids so If I stay (and I think I'm gonna) then I can't have my own and will likely adopt - from China, but then I speak Chinese and have a Chinese GF who if I DONT end up marrying then all this is moot anyway.  If I do then the reason for adopting an overseas Chinese baby is FOR HER BENFIT since we would be living in the USA out of her cultural comfort zone eventually... I THINK... and I believe it would be better for her as a trasplanted adoptive mother to have a baby from home who she could look like and relate to and teach about their common culture etc.

Hopefully my understanding of the situation from both sides will make me a better adoptive father.  But I can totally understand the PAPs perspective.  (That's also one of the reasons I enjoy reading Mama Kate's posts so much...)

As to less bureaucratic delays when adopting from overseas???  I believe you almost double your paperwork.  It might be, in the case of China though, about half as expensive even with the travel thrown in.

Still I want to adopt an older Child.  At least old enough to go straight into kindergarten or elementary school.  Mostly so nobody needs to quit working to be home all day and I have ZERO desire to change diapers LOL!  (Cant help it I'm just a man.  What are ya gonna do?)

Answer 8

Well, I can only answer for myself, so let's see...

1.  We adopted a 10 year old and a 5 year old.  They remember their biological parents well.  

2.  Bureaucratic Delays:  This makes absolutely no sense at all.  International adoption is completely filled with bureaucratic delays!  Not only does an adoptive family need to go through all the bureaucracy on the US side, but also on the side of the foreign government, plus immigration, plus consulates/embassies!  International adoption is far more bureaucratic than US adoption!  And believe me, foreign government bureaucracy is a lot less organized, less streamlined and overall less efficient than US bureaucracy.

So for my family, that would be a 1. No.  and 2.  No.  

And no, neither are good reasons to adopt internationally.

BTW, your article is dated 2002.  There was less attention and knowledge about international adoption 6 years ago.  That might be part of the reason why the article has some misconceptions.

Answer 9

Indepedant - as someone who has spent hours and hours researching Guatemala adoptions - I'd love to see the source of your "statistic".  

Yes, many adoptions were fraudulent.  No question.  2/3rds?  I think not.

Answer 10

That is not the reason they adopt.  That is part of what they are looking for in an adoption process.  This is a key distinction.

Most PAP want as young as possible because 1) they want to experience as much of their child's life as possible, 2) problems increase with the age of children in orphanages.  

The "remembering" part is clearly added as a slant to be divisive.

Answer 11

For myself, I did want a young child (not to avoid remembering birth parents- I intentionally chose a program where birthparent connection is fostered), and I didn't want to participate in pre-birth matching.  

As far as bureaucratic delays, well, it is a more predictable process than domestic infant adoption because pre-birth matching is unpredictable, but there are certainly bureaocratic delays in international adoption.  You're dealing with TWO government bureacracies, LOL.

Answer 12

Maybe it's just the "circles" I run in, but three parents I know who adopted internationally (who don't know each other and live in separate parts of the country) hired private investigators to find their children's first parents, and made contact with them - and now have open international adoptions.  In all three cases, TPR was involuntary. (I also know there are a few IAPs on Y!A that do all they can to maintain relationships with their children's first parents).

I am not naive enough to believe that this is the majority of IAPs, but I think it's just like everything else in adoption: there are those of us who are trying to do everything we can to adopt ethically and trying with every part of ourselves to do what is best for the child.  I don't know what the statistics are, I don't know what peoples' motives are - and I'm sure there are a lot of IAPs who choose international because they don't want the "hassle" of first families - I just know that not everyone fits into that box.

Hoping and praying that the tide turns on that one, and it becomes "most adoptive parents have one goal: doing what is best for a child."

Answer 13

I wish I could forget about my mother beating me with a mop handle for not cleaning the kitchen floor on my hands and knees with a rag.

I wish I could forget about my father telling me I would never be anything because I was so worthless.

Answer 14

If you want your child to definitely "not remember" their parents, or any "past life" prior to coming into your hands, you should actually adopt domestically because internationally, you will almost NEVER get an infant below 8 months of age.  It's just the process and everything you will not get an international "baby."  Domestically, you can work with the pregnant mom and potentially get the baby when she/he is a few days old.

Bureaucracy is everywhere, domestic or international.  International just less drama, and you almost know that after the process, you will have a baby.  Domestic, you could work with a teenage mom for nine months, then she bags out at last moment and wants to keep her child... now you're just "wasted" nine months of time and heart ache.