Then and Now... what did you think you knew about adoption... compared to what you know now?

Question

APs: pre adoption vs. post adoption

FPs: pre or during pregnancy vs post relinquishment

Adoptees: childhood vs adulthood

PAPS: Start of your journey vs. now

Anyone outside of the triad is welcome to answer as well.

For myself:

Pre-adoption: It's a WIN WIN. Love conquers all. Don't talk a lot about the adoption with the child lest they feel like an outsider. As they're babies, their "loss" will be minimal as they won't remember anything from their lives before. Adoption is wonderful in every way, and everyone feels that way... and whoever does not is a bitter, angry person.

Post adoption: For my daughter to get a family she had to lose everything. She could put her losses into words before she was 3. I need to foster an open dialog about adoption. Just because she doesn't ask about her first family doesn't mean she doesn't wonder about them. Celebrating her culture and learning the language is VERY important. Adoption is not a one-trick pony. There are many layers.

Answer 1

Wow, good question!

I am an adoptive parent.

Pre-adoption: Never keep the child's adoption a secret from him. Very uncomfortable with the thought of searching for son's birth mother. Constantly terrified that he'd be removed from our home and go back to birth mother (prior to TPR). Did not read much about adoption or participate on any adoption boards. Got very angry when people asked about my son's mother and would respond, "*I* am his mother!"

Post-adoption: Still do not keep secrets about adoption with my son. My son has asked questions about his FIRST mother (I don't use the term "birth mother" anymore) and I have answered honestly and encouraged him to talk about her and ask questions whenever he wants. I have read a bit about adoption loss and have participated regularly on this board, which has helped me to increase my knowledge about adoption and what my son may be feeling now and in the future. Feel very confident knowing that my son is mine, but also that he has TWO families, not just mine. Now when someone asks about my son's first family I don't get angry. If I am close to the person, I just say that my son's first mother wasn't able to take care of him and that is usually enough for them. If it's not, I gently let them know that my son's adoption story is his own and if he chooses to share it, he may; but it's not my story to share.

I'm sure there is a lot more, but that is what I can think of after a very long plane ride today and after being severely jet-lagged.

Answer 2

I am a ngrandmother.  I had never dwelt on the subject of adoption.  I got pregnant at 18 and never even considered it.  (I didn't  consider abortion either) I just knew what I would be doing for the next 18 years.  

I raised 2 step-children from the time they were 2 and 5 years old and I considered them my own.  I did talk with an aparent coworker. Her and I shared a long commute and I asked her if she felt more in sync with her nchildren then she did with her achild.  She said that sometimes she had a hard time figuring out what her achild was thinking when most of  the time she knew what her nchildren were thinking.  (At the time I was trying to figure out my step-children's thinking and I was feeling guilty because of the same feelings as my co-worker was describing.)

In my whole life that is the only time that I can remember adoption coming up.  

Now that I know that I have a grandson that will probably be raised in an adoption situation where us nfamily members are not welcome I am more than disturbed.  I have done  research on the affects of adoption on children and I wish  that there was some way that the aparents could be reasoned with so that my grandson may be spared some of the feelings of abandonment that are so common among adoptees.  Hearing what some adult adoptees say is so sad.  

I recently received some papers from the adoption agencies lawyers that said that I would settle for "nothing less than playing "Grandmother" " in my ngrandson's life.  I guess that they have decided to dismiss the fact that I am "Grandmother".  

I want my grandson to grow to be a well adjusted, whole person.  I think that in order to do that you have to know your whole self and your whole family.  If a nfamily is stable and they want to be a part of their nchild's life and they respect the afamily I think that afamilies should be committed enough to their achild to allow this to happen.

All that said, I now feel a lot different about adoption.  I think that it has it's place in  society but society has abused that place.  I think that adoption should be a last resort.

Answer 3

Wow, good question Kazi!

I have learned so much!

I was raised Christan (I am now atheist) and was force fed the usual "adoption is beautiful" "it's a win win win" "adoption mirrors gods plan for our lives" "abortion is murder" BULL$HIT. (Along with a bunch of other c**p, but I'm not even trying to go there.) And at a glance (from a distance) it appears that way. But then I had my son (out of wedlock! GASP!!!!!!) and I began to see how people looked at me. I came here. (I started out in the dogs section, YES, I'm a big dog buff) I started reading others posts, and when they talked about their experience, it felt as if someone was taking MY child! I would often go get him out of bed just to hold him, and then go to bed crying like a little girl!

Needless to say, my views on adoption have changed in EVERY possible way!

THANKS GUYS!!!!!! YOU DON'T GO UNHEARD!!!!!

Answer 4

When I was a child and a teenager I got the vibe from other people that adoption was an uncomfortable subject and that my proper response should be how great it was. I was afraid of the unknown and worried that if I honestly told people that I was curious about my birthfamily that they would come back and take me away and I'd be in an environment I didn't know (I was a VERY fearful kid, clingy and nervous and very introverted and shy)...

I remember confiding in my bff in highschool about not knowing who I was and trying to figure it out and knowing that it was about adoption. I wrote in my journal about adoption a lot and in English class I wrote poetry about it.My birthdays were really hard as a teenager as it was when adoption stuff really came up. I'd be angry for no reason and really withdrawn. Nobody picked up on it and I felt alone. Even my bff got tired of me trying to figure stuff out and then I was alone again.

It wasn't until I was overseas staying with an adoptive parent who said that her late teen daughter had had some adjustment and identity stuff come up recently and she bought the book 20 things adoptive kids wished their parents knew, and by her giving me that book to read it was like she gave me permission to really feel what I had always felt but didn't really know how to say...

I've been slowly coming out of the fog since then and really becoming strong in my voice of my experience.

Answer 5

Dear Kazi,

Amazing Q! You always have such good ones!

I have come to the conclustion that I was "destined" to be "touched by adoption" somehow.

I was ALMOST an adoptee myself. My mother has told me since I was little that she almost gave me to my Aunt Sally, who is infertile, because my mother thought she "deserved" to parent and my mother felt that she could provide her with that opportunity. Thankfully they BOTH agreed that I should stay with my parents. (I LOVE AUNT SALLY but am SO glad that my parents raised me and she is my AUNT - we have a VERY special relationship. I am her un-daughter more than her neice.)

My childhood was spent at a private boy's boarding school in VA. (My father was the Asst. Headmaster and my mother ran the horsebackriding program.) Many of the students were adoptees, exchange students etc. and my parent's home was always full of boys and foster children. The school itself was originally an orphanage at the trun of the century.

At 9, I played "Tessie" in a professional production of "Annie" (my favorite movie at the time - I even had an "Annie" themed party for my 10th birthday!) for three months. Adoption seemed so sweet - the perfect ending.

When my family moved to NC, I attended a private high school (day school, not boarding) and the majority of my closest friends were adoptees. None of them ever had an issue with it except my friend Jim.* My boyfriend, Matt, all through highschool was also an adoptee and he & his parents were constantly espousing the joys of adoption.**

In college, my first roomate was an adoptee who wanted to study social work so she could "help place unwanted babies in deserving homes". Adoption and how wonderful it is was a frequent late-night topic in our room.

When I was pregnant at 20 with my first son, my then fiancee, the baby's father, freaked out and said he wasn't ready to parent. We decided to place our son with infertile "friends" who promised a "very open, extended family type situation". (We are now good friends, as you know from my other posts. He is friendly with my hubs as well and we all visit and talk via phone & e-mail.)

You know the rest of my story. http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Adoption has revealed itself to me and I am doing my best to educate others. I sometimes wonder if this was not supposed to be my "calling" - to help fix the mess that adoption has become.

*We are still close - as a matter of fact he recently moved out of our spare room! His APs were abusive and disowned him when he decided to seek his biological mother at age 20. He has suffered tremendously as an adoptee.

Quote from his AM:

"How dare you betray me, you ungrateful little b*****d."

** His parents actually took me to dinner and sent me a "thank you" basket when they heard I had given my son to infertile "friends". Matt and I are also still in touch. He is considering searching.

ETA: Autumn, thanks for listening!