Things have changed and life is hectic.....can I send her back to Foster Care?

Question

Ok. In my last posts I said that I took custody of my 14 month old niece through Foster Care. I can't take care of her for a lot of reasons and I think that it is best for us all to send her back.

1. I am not close to my family and now that I have her they are really making my life h**l

2. My brother and his wife raised her to be spoiled. She cries all day, whines to be picked up constantly and just plan a headache to take care of.

3. My husband and I are lucky that our careers are finally picking up and we have no time to take care of a baby

4. She is horrible to my 6 year old son. He tries to avoid her at all costs because she keeps hitting him with things whenever she see him (cups, shoes, dolls, anything)

5. Financially, this is a strain because it will be a few months before they help me financially

6. My household is in ruins

7. My husband and son are going crazy

I know that I sound wrong, but I only saw her 2 times b4 I decided to help my brother by taking care of her.

Answer 1

You need to do what's right for you and your family. you aren't going to help any one if you end up getting a divorce because this is causing a strain. At least you tried. Don't beat yourself up. :)

Answer 2

you should keep her but put her in daycare, if she is in fostercare shes there for a reason, day care will be good for her to learn the social skills she needs and at home you just need to be stict with her after all she is just a baby, her habits are not completly formed yet and you could change them, just put her in her crib when she is having a tantrem and walk away, she needs you and youll be blessed for helping her. after all You dicided to take her, She is Your child for now,

I understand that its hard but you will all be ok. and if  your extended family is bothering you, change your phone number after all, you are doing them a faver they should be gratefull.

also when the state does start paying you I believe (if im not mistaken) that they will go back a few months. mabey she is crying becase she wants her mommy, I hate to say it but honey thats You for now, You are all she has, if you send her to foster care she may get someone whos not so nice

Answer 3

What a heart wrenching situation. On one hand you feel the need to help, on the other you watch your own son cringe at the site of this little girl.

How do you decide, between your husband and child, or your brother and his child?

I give you a pat on the back for taking to provide this little girl with a happy, loving home.

I suggest you have a family meeting (when she is sleeping). Ask the family if they are willing to try for a little longer, and set a time frame. "If things have not improved by the end of August (example) then..."

However if you are at the end of your rope. Then, it's your responsibility to protect everyone, the little girl, and your son. Which means back to foster care.

No matter what choice you make be sure it is a decision you can to live with for the rest of your life.

Answer 4

She is only 14 months old, with time you can train her with the correct discipline to make her understand. All babies at this age "hit".

I havent read your "other" posts, but you took her in, obviously, because she needs someone to care for her.

If her own family is willing to toss her aside...how will it be for people that have no connection to her?

This little one did not choose to be born, she did not choose her parents. She needs to be protected, and loved. Guidance is key.

I would do anything and evrything in my power to make that little girl feel loved.

If you don't think you can handle her...help her. Don't send her back, it only makes her "harder" to deal with.

My only thing, is if you want her gone because your careers are picking up, didn't you think about that before?

Good luck Hon.

Answer 5

you need to do what is best for you and YOUR family. period.

Answer 6

i grew up in foster care for 19 years since i was 1 month old n i think for not trying harder that u r a horrible lady. she needs time 2 get used 2 u guys and u sound selfish thinkin only of yourself and ur family, if u think about it this kid is ur family n god knows where she would be placed.

Answer 7

I can't say I blame you at all. It may sound odd to some people but you can only help out so much until you wind up being the one who needs rescued. It isn't fair to you, your husband, and most of all, your own children.

as an additional tidbit for everyone .. I was adopted at a very young age (along with my younger brother) by a woman who did nothing but blame me for everything she missed out on and every argument her and her husband ever had.  She totally played the martyr card whenever she could and let my brother as he got older beat the h**l out of me. For anyone who played the foster kid card, I hope you didnt have to grow up like I did. You would have prayed that you were given back nightly. I know I did.

This doesnt mean by any means that I think that you would do the things my adoptive 'mother' had done to me. I just think that instead of trying to help help help you should make sure your own immediate family is happy before reaching outward. Charity starts at home, after all.

Answer 8

First of all it's not this child's fault she hasn't been raised right, yet you are blaming her for her behavior.  It is not her fault that you and your husband didn't think this whole thing through before you decided to take her out of foster care.  And now you can't take it so you want to send her back...Poor child, the best thing for her is for her parents to sign away their parental rights so she can be adopted because it is obvious no one in your family wants to take in this child and help her grow up.

Answer 9

So you want to know if you can "send her back"?  Yes, of course you can.  Simply call the case worker and tell them that you are not in the position to appropriately care for the child.  They may ask you to at least keep her until they can place her somewhere else.  If that's not an option for you, then simply inform them of that.  They should be able to pick her up within 24 hours or so.

By the way:  There's no reason why you need to come onto this site and try to explain yourself.  You are just opening yourself up for negative and judgmental comments.  Just do what is right for your family and ignore other people.

Answer 10

I just feel bad for this poor little girl who was abandoned by her parents and now is going to be abandoned again  :(

The reason why she has behaviour issues is because of what she has been through, and because she is barely a YEAR and a half old.  I mean come on....what do you expect????

Sometimes life does not go the way we want them to, and we cannot just focus on our or wants and desires--Sometimes we have to do things that are hard, unfair and suck--just to make someone else's life better.

It's not as if she is a 16 year old who is sneaking drugs and bringing home drug dealers.  She is a BABY who cannot make any decisions about her life or who is in charge of it.  I know it sucks for your right now, but you need to make the best decision for this little girl and take care of her.  She is the true victim here.

I am not trying to bash you, but come on--just think of how screwed up this child will be if you let her go into the system when you have the means to take care of her.  The guilt will eat you alive if she ends up in a worse position.

Answer 11

do you always break your commitments? if you couldnt commit to her then why did you promise to take care of her? she's a human, not a dog. no one ever said children are easy.

Answer 12

I think that what you are asking is terrible. You are an adult and you should never have taken something on you couldn't handle. aside from her being spoiled and being mean to your son you should have known from the start all that stuff was going to happen, I think you should give her back because you obviously are not responsible or caring enough to provide a good home for her. Although I also believe you shouldn't ever start something you don't intend to finish. Poor poor little girl.

Answer 13

first of all foster homes are not always as bad as some ppl think they are.  i know a family very well that are foster parents, although i am only friends and have always been just that with them, they make me feel like family they are some of the just most loving ppl u could ever meet.

second, if u really feel like it is in her best interest as well as you and your immeadiate families then u need to send her back.  its a big red flag that u are feeling this because if u feel it than right there is what needs to be done.  you cant be expected to except ur niece as ur own child when she isnt so dont feel bad.

Answer 14

No you cannot, well yes you can, but you shouldn't. You decided to take care of her. If you didn't get to know her that is your fault. You need to teach her how to act appropriately and punish her for doing wrong. You made this commitment. It should not have been taken lightly. Find a babysitter for her while you are at work if need be, but do not punish her. None of this is her fault!

Answer 15

hon, if you can't handle her anymore, best to give it back to them so they can find somebody that will be able to take care of her better,your family is number 1. You already give your best and its not working, some people will give you a bad answer and make you feel bad but the h**l with them you decide what you want to do. Your husband and your son is first priority in your life.Good luck.

Answer 16

I agree with Destiny, Nik and Lisa 100%.

If you weren't going to commit you shouldn't have taken her it will just confuse her more!!

Obviously Lisa knows first hand how bloody awful it is when people don't care enough for you.

Perhaps her story may help you to make a decision.

Answer 17

Family is more important than anything. You never know what kind of home she'll end up in in Foster care. She's 14 months old! Hardly past an age where you can't teach her right and wrong behaviors. She's still a baby! Maybe if you started treating her as your own your thoughts would change on her. Afterall, when you have a baby you change your life for them, and you do whatever it takes financially. I think you're looking at her like a burden instead of an innocent child. I think the only way you should give her back to Foster care is if you can't open your heart enough for her.

Answer 18

Well think about this.  The foster care system is overloaded and broken.  It's set up so that you can do it as a profession.  At least half of all kids in foster care are abused/molested by their foster family in some way, shape, or form.  

I think your family sounds like it lacks a lot of maturity in this situation.  Brother not able to care for a baby.  You not able to think through the decision to bring a baby into the house (everyone who has a baby goes through this, by the way).  You not realizing the change in environment has affected the toddler and she's acting out.  Not to mention your family making life h**l for you, although you didn't mention how they're doing this.

What, did you think you'd have this cute lil bundle of adorable running around your perfectly clean house, not making any messes, not getting sick making you take time off from work, not being a daycare/clothing/diaper/food expense, not generally being difficult to deal with?

I mean, really, grow up.  Take responsibility for this child because obviously your family is very bad at taking responsibility in general.  You control your house, you control your attitudes, you control the outcome of this situation.  Grow up and be the parent this little girl needs and don't throw her to the wolves.  

Buck up and get some help from the state as far as counseling and parenting training, etc.  You need someone to teach you how to have a 2nd child in the house.  Go seek that help, please, before another unfortunate soul has to suffer.  That little girl you're demonizing is the victim in your family's wake of irresponsibility.

Answer 19

Yes, just explain to them that you no longer have the means or the ability to take care of her properly. Explain that you jumped into it hastily and have changed your mind. Do what is right for you and your family. Pay no attention to the others rude comments. I feel for you actually. I could never ever take care of my nephew if I had to. My household would suffer horribly.