Thinking about it, Am I doing to much? Is it possible to be to involved?

Question

My kids live with me. Both of the kids are involved with sports. Both are doing very well in school. I coach my son's baseball, basketball, football teams, I am head of the Dads Club for his school, I coach my daughter's volleyball and softball teams, I am PTA president for her school. I hold a 40 hour a week job. I work through my lunch to get home so they are not alone after school. I know it seems like a lot but the team sports usually don't run into one another. Now that I am divorced, I feel my kids are all I have and I want to be there for them. I know that not to many dads get the chance for their kids to live with them full time so I want to be a role model for those dads that want it. Am I doing to much? We seem to always be busy with things, but we also have time to do the small things together as well. I do make time for myself. I find it hard to date with so much going on. I will have time for that when my kids are out on their own.

Answer 1

I agree with threenorns. When do your kids get to just play and relax? When do YOU get to just play with them? Just relax? With all of these things planned out, is there any spir of the moment events or outings?

Unscheduled time to do X is really important for a family to have. Time to sit and watch TV every once in a while, play outside, bake something together, read, go out for ice cream, go to the park, go for a walk, go to the movies etc. It's grea that your kids are involved in actvities and wonderful that you're involved as well...but all 3 of you REALLY need to take a step back!

I would have each kid pick 1-2 activities for the school year and you coach one per child. You get the same amount of parent points whether you coach or scream and cheer from the side lines.You need to teach your children that you CANNOT DO EVERYTHING. While you're managing all this stuff somehow, there will come a time (it happens to ALL of us) when you just can't fit something in or have to miss the beginning of something. When that moment comes your kids will be devestated because they're so use to you doing everything and being everywhere.

  Second, I would either go into work a half an hour early or have a sitter stay with the kids for a half an hour after school so you have your lunch break. You NEED some time to call yours...I can't stress how important that is. Whether you do it during your lunch break at work or take 20-30 minutes when you get home (set a time aside where everyone does something on their own) you need to have it. You'll see how that short amount of time will make you feel.

My kids get home at 3pm and from 3pm-330 pm Monday-Friday during the school year, everyone does their own thing. They go play, the baby is down for a nap and I just relax...take some time to switch from Work mode to Mommy mode.  This time benefits myself and my kids, so neither of us get stressed out or frustrated with stupid little things. When time's up, they start homework and I start getting things done around the house, cook and help them.  

Lastly, you need to have contact with the outside world. Find a sitter and go out one night, whether it be with friends, co-workers, a date etc. My husband and I go out once a month and my kids LOVE when the sitter comes. The two of us need time to connect (especially since he's a plane ride away M-F) and be adults....see a movie that isn't rated PG, go to a restuarant that doesn't have a kid's menu etc. You go crazy after a while if you're never doing things or with people your own age. I've seen it happen a handful of times...couples who's marriages have fallen apart because they never MADE time together to talk or enjoy themselves and single parents who felt they shouldn't do anything that doesn't involve their kids.

Your kids need a role model and you seem like a great one. They need someone firm, someone who sets rules, someone who encourages them to be involved, someone who cheers them on, someone who loves them etc. BUT they also need someone who is going to show them that "acting like a kid" every now and then is more than fine. That doing things independently is good for everyone in the house etc.

Best Wishes =]

Answer 2

As long as you aren't pushing your kids into doing to much and are making sure they have plenty of down time then I'd say you are doing a great job.  If you are ok with your life, if you don't feel overwhelmed, and if you make sure you are taking care of your needs too, then you have no worries.   I commend you, I don't think I would have enough energy to do all that and I know my husband doesn't.   It's really refreshing to hear about a dad who is taking the role as a father so seriously.  Kudos.

Answer 3

so with all these sports teams and organized activities going on, when do your kids get to go to a creek and fall in?  or go to a mudhole and get filthy?  go to a field and spend the day lying on their backs and looking for shapes in the clouds?

unorganized, unstructured activity is *critical* for a healthy development.

personally, i'd scrap all but one of the sports activities each and teach them how to fish.

Answer 4

You sound like a good dad.

One word of caution from the child of a father who was super involved in my life:

I absolutely hated it! Everything became more about his want for me to be the best than about my enjoyment/love of the game. I felt pressure from him and I felt like my best was never good enough. I felt like he was too involved and like I was too stifled by his constant presence. I wanted so badly for him to just sit in the bleachers and cheer for me...but no....he had to be expressly involved in every intricate aspect.

If this is not you, great. I simply think that maybe you should cut it back a little so that they have a chance to exert their independence and/or be like everyone else for a little bit. It is very difficult being the coach's child....the PTA Presidents child. I would try to find ways to show support without becoming directly involved in every single thing....like maybe coaching one thing, but just being a parent at the other sporting events. Since they are not a part of the PTA or Dad's club, I think those are fine.

Answer 5

It's a great that you are so involved, as long as they are happy with it. As they get older, they will probably want more space, so it's a wonderful thing that they know how much they mean to you. That will really come in handy when they feel the urge to become more independent. They will know that they have someone to talk to and confide in as they explore this crazy world! I think you are a role model for not only your kids, but Dads everywhere! :)

Answer 6

I would say, follow your gut instinct. You know yourself and the kids better than anybody does, so just do what feels right. Remember though that their love is unconditional. You don't have to earn their love and you don't have to prove anything to anybody. Your kids will always love you and be proud of you no matter what you do or how much you do. Do what feels right and makes you happy.

Being a role model to others is a worthy thing. However, if you just recently just got out of the whole divorce situation, try to make things more about the kids and yourself for now, than about the others. You and the kids need this time now to cope and recuperate. The others can wait. Make it more about the family for now.

In my personal opinion, your schedule is a bit overloaded. I don't know, maybe it is also like a coping way for you. Like the more you keep yourself busy, the easier it is for you to get through the aftermath of the divorce. Just try to go a little bit easier on yourself. Overworking yourself might affect your health in not a good way sooner or later. Just try to take things easy for now.