Thinking on adopting, but have a few questions....what do you think?

Question

My husband and I just had our first child 2 months ago, and although we adore our little girl the idea of being pregnant and going through labor again is not appealing. So we are thinking of adoption. We first thought international - China, but now Im thinking US. My questions: is it cheaper to adopt from the US (if we live in the US)?, and how long does it take for the US...is it sooner than international? And are we bad people to want to physically pick out our kid...do we get a choice of which kid we'd like to adopt? And do you think there will be problems with the child we adopt and our biological one? I know we would love them both!

We just are considering all aspects of it.

Answer 1

You wrote, "the idea of being pregnant and going through labor again is not appealing"

Those are your words, no one made you write them.  In my experience, people say first what they actually mean, then try to backpedal and 'explain' when they're met with a less-than-glowing response.  

You stated you want to adopt because you don't find pregnancy and labor appealing...is this a good reason to adopt a baby?

You go on to state, "are we bad people to want to physically pick out our kid?"  

Um, yes. Yes you are.  Did you get to "pick out" your bio kid?  That particular comment is why one person told you it's not like going to pick out a puppy...can you see the distastefulness of it now that I pointed it out to you?

Now you've turned it around and say you want to offer a home to a child without one.

  

You wrote, "Shouldnt people understand that a person wants to give a kid that is already here a home?"



Um, no.  People shouldn't understand that if that's not what you originally said.  Too late now to save face.  Sorry.

Answer 2

OMG these comments are ridiculous! PEOPLE PLEASE! she is just adopting! It isn't a crime!!!!!

As for what I think........ yes, it's a good idea to adopt. When you adopt, you aren't STEALING a child, you are helping them get out of a bad situation. The younger the better: I have four neighbors who have all been adopted by the same couple. The couple is nice, but the two oldest kids have rebelled. The younger the better! If your biological child is young, and they grow up together, it would be normal; they would get along just as much as normal brothers and sisters do. and remember, labor is (normally) easier the second time.

Answer 3

You appear to have no idea what adoption actually means to the child.

Please do go and learn.

If you adopt in your current frame of mind - you will be doing a great disservice to the adoptee/child.

Adopting a child will not be the same as having a bio child.

The adoptee will not have the same genetic make up as your own.

The adoptee will be his/her own person - and if you don't allow that - you will be causing a great deal of heart-ache for said child.

I've lived it - as have many here.

Sure - I love my adoptive family a great deal - but there were countless disagreements throughout my childhood - simply because they couldn't understand why I wasn't more like them.

(derr - we weren't genetically linked!!)

If you don't want to listen to adoptees now - perhaps you will never be able to fully hear what your own adoptee has to say - if you do go through and adopt.

Many expectant mothers - to this day - are talked into giving their children away - usually unnecessarily - when all they needed was encouragement to parent.

Adoption agencies want just one thing - babies to give to paying customers - the prospective adoptive parents.

They don't usually care about what methods they choose to acquire said babies - they are just h**l-bent on making a profit.

There are 100,000's of children in foster care -  many already available for adoption -  children that truly need a loving home.

If you truly want to 'do' adoption - in the intended form that adoption should be - TO TAKE CARE OF A CHILD THAT TRULY NEEDS A LOVING HOME - not to look after what you - the adult - wants - then look into foster care.

If it's all too hard - then perhaps you should just have another bio child of your own.

Your words say that you think adopting will be easier  - perhaps you should seriously research a little more.

Answer 4

Fulfilling your desires is a pretty big job to give an infant. Wait a second...

Infant + Job = Child Labor

Infant + Job - Paycheck = Slave Labor

Why can't adoptees sue for this S**t?

Children in foster care need homes.  Start there.  And if you can't "handle" a child who NEEDS a home, then why are you adopting? Are you aware that you'll be taking a child from someone who doesn't need to give that child up? Are you aware that you are plugging a human being into a family in which s/he doesn't belong, for no reason other than your own petty desires? Some things to think about anyway. Good luck with that baby buying thing. Hope you get a prime piece of human flesh to call your very own!

Answer 5

it is nice that you want to adopt but maybe you are thinking about it for the wrong reasons.  You don't want to go through labor again?  That is painful but it doesn't last long.

Answer 6

It takes a while to adopt in the U.S....No you are not bad people because you wanna physically pick out your child. Yes you get to choose a child to adopt. I dont think there will be any major problems between the biological and adopted, just be careful. Some kids dont do well with others because of whats happened so know their background, before you adopt.

Answer 7

You said:

" I know we would love them both!"

You don't know you would 'love them both'.  If I found you a new husband, can you guarantee me that you would love him?  Of course not.

Consider that.

Answer 8

you're KIDDING me with this, i hope.

you want to steal someone else's kid / buy their kid, so you don't have to go through labor bc it's not 'appealing' to you?

oh god.  what is this world coming to.....?

Answer 9

As I've never adopted a baby, the only advice I can give is that when I first had my baby the idea of ever having to go through at least the labor part again was completely abhorrent to me.  I seriously considered just sticking with the one baby and calling it a done deal.  But, almost 5 months later I find myself ready to go get pregnant again.  You mention the pregnancy wasn't fun either--I didn't mind being pregnant really until the end.  You might want to wait a while and just see what you think, before going through the work of adopting.

That said, I love the idea of adopting and some day, providing I have the money, I would love to adopt.  I always planned to adopt internationally-but I actually don't know what is better.  I wanted a little girl from China.

I had a student who was adopted from Russia.  His parents had adopted him and another little boy.  They were going back to Russia last summer to look into adopting 2 little girls.  I loved that they adopted children versus babies as it is a lot harder for children to find homes.  

I wish I could've given you more advice from experience, but I just don't have it.  

Good luck to you and your husband!

PS Does jgf5822 seriously not realize that you'd be giving a home to an orphaned or otherwise parentless child??

Answer 10

I think genuinly you do want to adopt, but its certainly not for the right reasons.

You want to adopt for you!! Thats not a good foundation.

You want to adopt because you dont want to go through labour again???? what?!! OMG i have done it 3 times! Are you too posh to push?

You cant pick your child as if its some kind of puppy and why would you want to pick the child? Are you shopping for a new handbag?

Thats all I will say on the matter. Your not fit to adopt with an attitude like that.

Answer 11

We adopted internationally.  There is a great book, called "How to Adopt Internationally" that is a wonderful resource.  It describes the whole process, start to finish.  Make sure you get the most recent edition.  

As to your questions about US adoptions, there are several options, each with their merits and drawbacks.  You really should find an adoption counselor to talk to you and explain everything to you.  

Take the opportunity to fully educate yourself on all the options!  Good luck!

Edit: I think the "selection" process means that you do get to make some specifications: gender, age, health/developmental issues, etc.  It's important to do some real soul searching and decide what you can and can't handle as a parent/family.  Be honest.  Remember that there are generally more older children than infants available for adoption.  If you request a boy/girl from birth to six months, you will probably have a longer wait than if you request either gender birth to 10.  But nobody can tell you what to do here.  You need to be honest and make a careful decision.

Some countries (the Ukraine comes to mind) has a process where the adoptive family comes to the country and is introduced to a few different children.  It's not for everyone and there are ethical issues that you have to puzzle out.

Answer 12

A baby/child is not a pet.

Picking out a baby is repulsive to me.  You don't just get to go to the "baby store" and pick out the cutest one.  Sorry it does not work like that.

ETA: I didn't mean to come off as harsh, well maybe I did, but a child is a living breathing, thinking, feeling person, who will grow up with resentment towards you.  If you are just looking at having a family the easiest, cheapest way, adoption is NOT for you.  And yes, it sounds like you don't have a clue how adoption works, you don't get to pick your child out, especially if (and maybe I am assuming this, but probably not) you want a healthy Caucasian infant.  YOU will be the ones getting picked.  You will be taking a child from his/her family.  You will have to deal with resentment and you will have to deal with the child feeling inferior to your biological child.  I do not care how good of a parent you are, you cannot know how much pain adoption causes, even if there is a need for adoption.

I am not against adoption, especially if it is done in the most ethical way possible, but I am against the entitlement that goes with MOST adoptive parents.  you are not entitled, no matter how much money you throw at someone, to another person's child.  You are not automatically a better parent because you have more money, you are not a better parent because you are older/younger then the biological parents.  Children, whenever possible, should stay with their biological families.  If you can understand the huge LOSS in adoption, well maybe then you will be ready to adopt.  But...until you stop acting like you are buying a puppy from a pet store, well you are not ready to adopt.  Or even consider adopting.  Adoption DOES NOT work like that.

Answer 13

Research more online to get an idea of the timelines, as the timelines change all the time, and costs, as well.  

I have experience with international adoptions because my son was born in Guatemala I am in the US.  It's a long, extensive, process...  with alot of paperwork and heartache.  But it was soooo all worth it.

I am single and have no other children so I can't comment on the sibling issue.  If you have enough love in your hearts, nothing else will matter.  Just know that you can't predict the feelings that your children will have in the future.  Oh, plus, having a second child (however) will change the dynamics of the family, which I'm sure you're aware of.

Anyway, because I selected the country; said "yes" to my son's referral; and then adopted him-- does that mean I "picked him out"?  Some may say "yes", some may say "no"...  But, I did all that and never met him until I met him to take him home.  By then, the adoption was final in Guatemala.  That takes alot of faith.  I accepted him and love him unconditionally.  I could not have asked for a better son.

Best wishes what ever you decide.  Don't get all of your information from this site.  :-)

Answer 14

Go take care of the baby you do have, woman!

Answer 15

The costs of adoption varies greatly.  It might be cheaper to adopt internationally depending of the agency you choose.  What you need to do is research the different agencies in your area.  Compare the costs and requirements of each agency.  With an international adoption, you usually have to travel to the country from which you are adopting.  But, in some cases, with a domestic adoption you might have to travel to another state.

Adopting from the U.S. foster care system is generally the least expensive type of adoption, usually involving little or no cost, and states often provide subsidies to adoptive parents. Stepparent and kinship adoptions are often not very costly. Agency and private adoptions can range from $5,000 to $40,000 or more depending on a variety of factors including services provided, travel expenses, birthmother expenses, requirements in the state, and other factors. International adoptions can range from $7,000 to $30,000. (from adoption.com)

Also, the length of the process varies.  Some people can be on the waiting list for years whether the choose to adopt domestically or internationally.  It just depends on how many birthparents contact the agency, whether the birthparents change their minds, etc.  

You are not a bad person for wanting to pick out your child.  You may be a little misguided.  But, I do not know what you mean by picking out your child.  For domestic adoptions, most agencies have you complete a profile from which birthparents can selcet the prospective adoptive parent for their child.  Some agencies arrange meetings between the two.  But no agency can guarantee that a red hair, green eyed baby would be placed with you.  If you were to have another biological child, you yourself could not guarantee that.  The only thing that you can select is what race and/or gender you would want the child to be.

In regards to problems between your adopted child and biological child, besides the sibling rivalry, other problems (i.e., the question/statement of real mommy or daddy, etc.) can be overcome or avoided if handled properly.  Depending on the age of your child, you will need to explain the adoption process to her.

My suggestion would be to read some books regarding adoption.

When it comes to the discussion of adoption, some people are so judgmental, harsh, and rude in their comments.  It is easier to categorize the whole process as either being totally negative or totally positive.  Each experience is different.  There are some people who have had negative experiences and some who have positive.  Some birthmother have had their babies stolen from them.  Others, have made a plan of adoption and are okay with their decision.  To discount one side in favor of the other is doing a disservice to the whole adoption process.  We can all have our view and still be civil and respectful to one another.

Answer 16

i think it is wonderful

forb both you parents,

to adopt an little child

that doesn't have a

primary parent.

god will reward you

for thinking with your heart.

laney