This always seemed a little amateurish...?

Question

...but I'm a bit rusty in the feilds of short story- and novel-writing. It isn't as flowery as I usually get since it's written in 1st person.

Anyway, I was hoping for some feedback, if it wouldn't be too much trouble? 10 pts. to an answer that goes beyond: "Its good" or "it's bad" and actually does some analyzing.

Here's a snippet:

It was B-movie night. My older brother Jupiter, my twin sister Raizel, and I all sat in front of the television watching a grainy copy of "Return of the Living Dead" in our Purim costumes. Raizel's feathered headband kept slipping down over her eyes, the feather getting into Jupiter's mouth. This made her laugh.

Raizel and I had been inseperable since birth. She was always there to tell people what I wanted, when I couldn't say so myself. She just always knew. She was the best signer in the house with Momme coming in a close second and Jupiter having the same amount of coherency in his ASL as Koko the gorilla. Raizel was the artsy one, her prized possesion was her old 1960s Polaroid. She would take pictures of me when I wasn't looking or when I was signing, my hands in the middle of furious angry rants aimed at her. A whole series of photographs with my half of a conversation was taped to her wall:

Hello.

Tired.

None-

-of-

-your-

-business.

Yes.

Raizel never took photos of herself. Sometimes I stole her camera and took pictures of her when she wasn't looking but they never turned out as good. I taped pictures of her to my walls, blurry and oddly-angled.

Answer 1

wow, this really is good.

i like the names to being with.

they're so unique.

i don't know if i would ever pick them, but they seem to fit the part.

my one question is, what do you mean by signing?

it's in there twice.

i thought you meant singing, but i'm not really sure.

:)

Answer 2

"Raizel's feathered headband kept slipping down over her eyes, the feather getting into Jupiter's mouth. This made her laugh."

This part is a little difficult to follow. I'm having a hard time thinking up a way to rephrase it, though...

Other than that, I really like it. I like how you don't actually state that the main character is deaf, how you hint to it instead.

Overall, it looks very promising. Good luck :)

Answer 3

it doesnt seem amateur-ish, give yourself a break.

in fact, these are my favourite types of genres! you should continue writing, even if it doesnt feel great yet. in time, you will be able to feel good about what you've written

Answer 4

I Like it! I was drawn in straight away, and I think a lot of that may be due to the lack of 'flowery', in fact, I think it could be improved by getting rid of a little more, of course this is only my opinion, but I would loose:

It was B-movie night. My older brother Jupiter, my twin sister Raizel, and I all sat in front of the television watching a grainy copy of "Return of the Living Dead" {in our Purim costumes}. Raizel's feathered headband kept slipping down over her eyes, the feather getting into Jupiter's mouth. {This made her laugh}.

[unnecessary scene setting which detracts from me getting into the characters]

Raizel and I had been inseperable since birth. She was always there to tell people what I wanted, when I couldn't say so myself. She {just always knew. She was the best signer in the house with Momme coming in a close second and Jupiter having the same amount of coherency in his ASL as Koko the gorilla. Raizel} was the artsy one, {her prized possesion was her old 1960s Polaroid.} {S}[s]he would take pictures of me when I wasn't looking or when I was signing, my hands in the middle of furious angry rants {aimed at her}. A whole series of photographs with my half of a conversation was taped to her wall:

Hello.

Tired.

None-

-of-

-your-

-business.

Yes.     [ like this, as description of both character and physical elements it works wonderfuly]

Raizel never took photos of herself. Sometimes I stole her camera and took pictures of her when she wasn't looking but they never turned out as good. I taped pictures of her to my walls, blurry and oddly-angled

[I especially love the last paragraph, where you save the tiny, necessary descriptive part to the end, adding it in as the thought of your character, helping us to identify with her, standing back and viewing her pictures, blurry and oddly angled - love that!

If that broadens out to become your style for the piece, which I think it will, then your work will be a joy to read.]

  

Answer 5

That is pretty good. Depending if it's meant to be a short story or a novel, you could make it a little longer and more descriptive. Short stories seem to be at a faster pace than novels, perhaps because of the fact that novels mostly stretch out the sequences to make them more dramatic, however this isn't always the case. I'm not trying to generalize here. Reading a lot tends to help me get better at writing. For example, if you had to write about a specific topic, reading what others have written about it gives you a feel for the style of writing you will probably contemplate using in your writing.

Hope I helped.

Answer 6

i think your good!!!

read more.

try ann or amy martin, im not really sure of the author's name but she wrote california diaries. she's quite good at this genre. also try jd salinger.

read more, and write more! keep it up

(update me on the status of your piece)