This evening is just getting worse. What can I do?

Question

So, not two hours ago, my wife leaves me. Now, a horde of local peasants are gathering outside my house, holding a burning effigy of me. According to the sign one of them is holding, I am 'the devil of the manor'. The police say there's nothing they can do.

One man has catapulted a dead sheep over my wall.

Answer 1

Mix up the special potion, climb to the top of the tallest tower, just as it is transforming you into a huge monster.  Crawl outside the tower bellowing your rage, as the peasants gather like ants below you.

Take a swipe of your massive hand at the Bi-plane the local Constable has sent to threaten you.

You notice that the villagers have set fire to the chateau, and the flames are inching higher.  You bellow again, "Rose bud!", as the tower collapses into the flame, burying you in the smoking inferno.

You wake up in a cold sweat, hearing the shower running.

You turn your head to see Paris Hilton step out and back into your waiting arms.

It was just a dream....

Answer 2

Leave the DRUGS alone man....maybe something will go good for you

Answer 3

Apply to a local or national rights organization. Describe yourself as some sort of minority undergoing some sort of unjust abuse & prejudice. In turn, they should counter-demonstrate on your behalf. As the crowd grows, you could have your servants provide snacks for a moderate $um. Meanwhile,a flask of good brandy should help pass the time.

Answer 4

Cry Havoc and let slip the dogs of war!

Answer 5

Wow so much excitement! here in Bedfordshire we prod each other to see if anyone has died!

Answer 6

Get your man to butcher the sheep and stick it in the old deep freeze. Free tucker courtesy of the peasants.

Sit back have a glass of vino and swear at the tv or the dog.

Answer 7

sucks to be u

Answer 8

goodness me......how high was the wall...???

Answer 9

woohoo!

Answer 10

You have the money. Hire a bunch of sellswords & hedge knights, set them on the peasants, and watch them run

Answer 11

I sympathize with your plight good sir.  Here is what I suggest:

First, peasant horde dispersal must be a priority.  I'd suggest opening up the foo gas lines I know a well prepared gentleman such as yourself has buried on the  unwashed-masses side of your manor wall.  The effigy will ignite the gas and incinerate your horde.  

Second, after the flames die down, set your gamesman loose with his hounds to run down that errant wife of yours.  When she is dragged back to the manor, punish her disloyalty (perhaps beat her with the dead sheep?) then toss her out like yesterday's offal after tattooing a red A on her forehead.

Lastly, carve the sheep and send it to the police to bribe them to better respond to the next unlawful horde gathering.

Answer 12

Throw water bombs on them and have some fun

Or get in your car drive slowly so they can chase after you and take them a few miles away from home

Answer 13

Carry on with your chess game, dear boy.

Answer 14

As long as they are one side of the moat and you the other you have no need to worry.

Keep the sheep in case of a siege situation - hopefully you do have either mint or rosemary to hand?

Barrels of boiling oil aimed through the crenellations have been known to work - according to Robin Hood fables.

Answer 15

it just proves that the peasants are revolting your lordship

Answer 16

Lean out of the window and shout

"Excuse me chaps but did you know that theres a double bill of Eastenders starting in half an hour, followed by a new series of "Katie and Peter Unleashed"? Lidl have a special offer on Micro Chips, Benson and Hedges and Carling Black Label too."

The peasants will all run home in an exicted gaggle, desperate to get their free dose of gut-rot lager, lung-rot f**s and brain-rot Sleb TV - you won't see them for dust!

Answer 17

Well stop making grammar corrections on other peoples questions you **** and stop felling sorry for your self!

Answer 18

sit back and watch

Answer 19

ok, stop taking the acid. its not good for you.

Answer 20

The wife leaving is of small consequence in what you admit was already a loveless marriage. The gathering of peasents is more severe, suggest releasing the hounds on them, or, alternatively, peppering them with shot at regular intervals until they disperse. Get the groundsmen to throw the sheep back, and then have them lay in wait with cudgels in case the peasants make an attempt to get in. They need to learn that you are not the devil of the manor, but its master.

Answer 21

Why, Sir, set the dogs upon the vagabonds!

Answer 22

Surely, you must have a shotgun. Just use it. There are so many peasants a few will never be missed. You simply pay the local police off with a handful of euros.

Answer 23

Hmmm, more detail please.  Exactly what does one have to do to get ones wife to leave?

Answer 24

i told you not to forget your meds..

Answer 25

just sit back and enjoy the show lol

Answer 26

Catapult and a bucket of stones man the barricades until reinforcements arrive,

you've got every body talking as daft as you now sire

Answer 27

Sounds like the effects of some good shrooms to me,,,,sit back and wait awhile and reality will come back.

Answer 28

Break open the wine cellar before they break into it!

Answer 29

Dunk your chunk with some spunky funk.

This will cure all ills and turn the moon to bulls blood.

Answer 30

This is an absolute travesty. These hooligans must be stopped!

Gather all your men together (including Sir Ashton under-lyme although it may take him a while to get down south) and protest back at them!

Make use of the sheep and invite your fellow Raffles club members around for dinner. (If life gives you lemons....make lemonade and all that)

How dare they disrepsect such a fine speciman such as yourself!

ETA: I like the Lord Lucan suggestion - that may work!

Answer 31

Do a lord lucan.