This is a song im working on Im Jamz tell me what you think!?

Question

My heart feels broken in side, everything else will die, after all i've been through, this is how I must show you it's over, i'll take you through time and space to see what use to be, but now all we've got is you and me, tell me how i'm supose to feel when nothing is real, I see you in the hall I see you at the door, I see you after and I see you before, school starts Monday and ends Friday to, and before I know it i'm in love with you.

Answer 1

Unlike your previous prosepoem, this one really does need to be written out in lines.

As an experiment, try it. I think you'll find it has a certain strength, which will be highlighted if you give the lines more room to breathe.

Answer 2

That's a, um, paragraph?? Not a song!

Try spacing it out more like a song, and make it rhyme a bit more and it'll look more like a song.

The start and end are good tho